TRIGGER WARNING - Forced?

[Namechangeforthisposttt]

Please move this thread if I have posted in the wrong place. Also this post is about someone potentially forcing me into something. So I have put a warning up. I am confused.

He isn't a boyfriend, we see each other for company and more of a FWB. We do talk normal convos inbetween. We met as he used to live a few doors up from me. We've been seeing each other a couple months.

This is so embarrassing. But I cannot bring myself to talk to anyone in person about it. Even a professional. Which is why I thought this would be the best place so I can stay anonymous.

He suggested we do anal. I'm happy to try it as I've never done it but I told him it is going to take a while to build up. In the bedroom he has fingered my arse and when I went to pull his hand out as it was getting uncomfortable he grabbed my hand with his other hand to stop me stopping him but after a few moments he did stop. I have a small vibrator and during foreplay with it he suggested it like anal. I said slowly and gently but he wasn't. We used lube. It was painful and I told him to take it out but he didn't straight away I had to. There was no sympathy that I was in pain. I told him it hurt. If I did anything to him where it hurt him I would be absolutely mortified and would be very apologetic.

So I consented to him doing these things but when I told him to stop or to take it out he didn't straight away.

I need to stop seeing this guy don't I? There are other factors too but I'm confused about this part. Please be gentle. My head is a mess over it. I'm blaming myself as I consented but he didn't stop straight away when I told him to or when I went to pull his hand away he got my hand with his other hand to not make me stop him. I'm so embarrassed I've gone through this. I've known him 5 years (but only been seeing each other a couple months) so I'm shocked this has even happened as he seemed so lovely from when we met up until this.

If he is not stopping as soon as you tell him to he is wrong.

You should only be expected to do things you want and enjoy.
Stop seeing him.

I don't know how to move on from this, it's almost traumatised me.

No means no.

Let me take you back to the words of my late mother when l was about 14/15. “If someone is doing something and it doesn’t make you feel nice inside, stop doing it”.

In this case you said stop and he didn’t.

Red Flag. I would stop seeing him

bless you, I'm so sorry.

Yes, he has violated you, and that is why you feel like this. You had a few moments of pain and also fear, as you realised he wasn't stopping when you expressed pain.

The very notion that if his finger hurts he should instead try with a hard vibrator is just unspeakable.

It shows very little concern for you and your feelings. And it makes me think that if you did get into a situation where you'd proceeded with him actually having this kind of sex with you then if you said stop, there is no guarantee he would.

I would comfort yourself, look after yourself. You've been frightened and a little bit injured. And seriously, really, this is not the guy. No. There are so many lovely guys, you do not need one who is trying to pursue anal sex with you and doesn't really care if it is excruciatingly painful for you.

Just .... no. no no no. You get that. That's why you're feeling like this.

n.o.
xx

alternative approach:

say omg it was so hot when you did that.. I want to do it to you.

Then, with not enough lube, shove a dildo into him, ignoring his cries of 'stop' and 'please, that hurts too much!'

?

Would that be ok?

... you have your answer.

The main reason that you need to disconnect from this man is because it usually gets worse. I mean that they will want to do more and more, which may be that they like causing pain in someone else.
It might be a power principle with them especially if they are not in a powerful position in the rest of their life.
Start looking again. . . . . .

Yes sweetie, you need out of there! You’ve done nothing wrong. I’m some who loves to play with trust, and the illusion of being forced but that’s all it should be; play acting with someone who feels exceptionally safe and lovely.
There are too many men out there who don’t truly see women as their equal.

So sorry to hear you have had this experience. His behaviour was completely unacceptable, in this scenario he should be asking repeatedly if you are comfortable and the moment you ask him to stop he does. Like everyone here as a minimum you need to make sure he is not a part of your life going forward, and never be alone with him.

As I understand it consent can be withdrawn.

In the light of this experience this should be the last time you have contact with him - even if he apologises.

He’s used you selfishly.

I’m certain there are agencies who could help you with this, your feelings - then, now and in the future. They could help you if you wanted to go legal on this.

Firstly, you have nothing to be embarrassed about, you did nothing wrong.

Secondly delete and block him. Do not contact him. He has shown his true colours. If you allow him back, you are putting yourself at risk.

You need to put yourself first.

This guy is definitely in the wrong. It appears that the both of you do not have knowledge of anal, and he is wrong in not asking you if you want to learn more about it. You should not let him force you to do what you are not familiar with. In order to avoid being approached again by someone who does not know what he is doing, you might consider learning what is involved in anal. That way, if the guy suggests the wrong approach; you can end the discussion (and maybe the relationship) right there. YouTube has many videos about anal, and you might try visiting YouTube to learn more.

You didn't consent to being in pain and you've done nothing wrong.

He has behaved very badly and he's broken the trust between you, hurt you and not cared about it. You shouldn't see him again. If he contacts you tell him it's over because he hurt you and you don't want to see him again. Ignore his apologies or excuses.

You can contact Rape Crisis even though it wasn't rape, the feeling of violation and loss of autonomy is very similar and they will be able to signposted you to support.

Firstly, this isn’t your fault. You did nothing wrong.

Even if you consented to anal initially, you can withdraw your consent at any time. That shouldn’t be an issue for any decent man.

You pulled his hand away and he kept going, You told him to take the vibrator out and he didn’t. Contrary to what the previous poster says, that is the very definition of rape. The fact that he stopped a bit later is irrelevant - he should have stopped immediately.

Find your anger. Block this man and never speak to him again. Don’t give him the chance to gaslight you and tell you you’re mistaken.

Take some time to heal. Look after yourself. If at any point you start to have any feelings of shame, it would be sensible to talk to Rape Crisis or similar to help you deal with that.

x

I agree. You did nothing wrong, and you should definitely reject this guy. He obviously knows nothing about what he tried to make you do. Regardless of what kind of approach he makes, you should not allow anyone to coax you into doing something that you do not want to do.

I'm so sorry this happened to you. You have every reason to feel traumatised. He did a truly horrible thing.

Consent is much like inviting someone into your home.
If I invite you to come over today, does that give you the right to walk back into my house tomorrow or next week? No, you're supposed to ask for consent again.
If I invite you over and I suddenly must insist that you leave, is it okay for you to lock yourself in the bathroom and refuse to leave? No.

Consent can be given, but can also be revoked at any given time. You don't need a reason to revoke it, you also don't need to explain.
Consent is given verbally, but should always be confirmed non-verbally. Meaning: you said yes with words, but is your body language/expression also saying yes? If not, then there is no full consent.

So don't put what happened on you. He took advantage of you. Dare I say it, this could actually be seen as rape, because he performed a sexual act on you when you explicitly told him you didn't want to.

I agree with @PinotPony
You are entitled to withdraw your consent at any point. You withdrew your consent and he didn't stop. So it was rape.
No wonder you are feeling violated.

FWB or whatever he is an abuser. no means no and he should respect that
block his number and dont see him again
you can do better