Fetish…

[DatingDisaster101]

F38/M42. My partner (getting married this year) of 8 years has a ‘fetish’. I don’t want to be involved in this because it’s just not my thing, not that it’s terrible or anything, but it’s a no from me.

Am I being a terrible girlfriend for not just doing it with him?

Has anyone been in this position? I don’t need people to tell me what the fetish was because that’s private, just want to know how to handle this as i find it difficult keep saying no.

Without knowing what the fetish, it's difficult to be able to say too much, but completely respect that you might not want to disclose it.

That said, it's entirely up to you whether you want to engage in a specific sexual practice, whether as a one off, occasional treat for your partner or every day for ever, or simply never.

I am in the camp of "try anything at least once" as I think you never truly know if you like something unless you have tried it, but everyone will probably have something they will never try.

Only you and he can decide if you not doing it either occasionally or never is a complete deal breaker. It may be that you are happy for him to indulge on his own, or with someone else, but that may carry its own risks as well.

There are plenty of people on here, and in the wider world, for whom missionary once a month as as much as they want/need and some people want/need to be fucked senseless, use toys, whips, tying up, being in a 20 person orgy 3 times a day.

No one is wrong, it just needs a discussion and agreement from each of you where your own lines are drawn!

I definitely don't want to know what his fetish is 🙉

No experience (unhelpful I know)! But he will be looking to others to satisfy his fetish throughout your marriage. So I would only marry him if you're ok with that...

Ultimately, you shouldn’t do anything you’re not comfortable with, whatever it is.

I don’t think it’s fair on either of you to marry someone if you can’t/don’t want to give them something they crave. I thought it didn’t matter and I could live without certain kinks when I got married, because I was in love and wanted a family. It was very naive of me.
I have never felt truly at peace or satisfied with my husband, though sex has been fun, cosy, loving…productive.
I was faithful to him for over 20 years, until a degenerative illness stole all the positives in our relationship.
I’ve been a surprisingly adventurous middle-aged tart this year, getting very comfortable with a man in a similar situation, but with a playful and experimental streak. I’ve kind realised what I’be been missing.

Only you know what you are comfortable doing/not doing, and your feelings matter… but if he’s got a fetish you can’t indulge I don’t think you are being realistic about being able to have a healthy marriage.

Just my 2 cents, good luck!

If you have a dp who has a fetish that doesn't interest you I think your relationship is doomed sadly. They'll forever be satisfying their kink while you sit at home wondering where they are. Even if they are honest and say, for example, 'I'm off for a bdsm session with a Domme' could you seriously just say ok have fun? Sex wants and desires need to be on a similar page imo.

It goes without saying that you shouldn't have to keep saying no, so for pressurising you that should be another reason to give him the boot, sorry.

Fetish, kink or fantasy? How central is this to his sexuality?

The fact he keeps asking when you have given a 'no' should be concerning. He's not respecting your boundries and is pushing you to 'consent' to something you don't want to do, sex pest is not a good trait in a future husband!

I would have a very honest conversation with him, tell him your no will remain a no and he needs to stop asking. Ask him how he feels about committing to a marriage if that is completely off the menu?

Is this something he can satisy solo, how would you both feel about that? If not solo, then how do you each feel about him getting that 'need' met outside the relationship?

These are discussions you need to have before you walk the down the aisle.

Tell him right now you don't want to do it. Spell it out before you get married. Get your feelings on this out in the open ASAP before you're both stuck in a situation that's not giving one or both of you what you want.

How the hell have you got to 8 years without this coming up?

He will keep on hounding you, forever.

It's doomed yes. Don't marry him. You'll only waste time then have to get divorced.

You're not going to like this thing more after marriage and he's not going to like it less after marriage. The gap will widen not narrow.

If he is genuinely is happy to live without it forever then great, but it needs to be spelled out to him and he needs to understand he can walk away from the marriage idea with no tears or guilt from you.

Next time, maybe find out how compatible you are before the 8 year point. 🤦‍♂️

Next time, maybe find out how compatible you are before the 8 year point. 🤦‍♂️ - what a marvellous idea @NCForThatForumM Totally agree, if they aren't compatible then either of them can walk away. Some people don't do that though. They know they aren't compatible and end up staying together for 8 years and then marrying anyway! 🛎

@AtYourPleasure 😂😂

Imagine!!

Also, the OP has been saying no to this fetish and he still keeps asking. She has said no. Numerous times. And he keeps asking. @NCForThatForumM - please tell me what she needs to do to spell it out for him. Is saying no not enough?

Also, you asked How the hell have you got to 8 years without this coming up?... either it's something he's only recently admitted to or decided he wants, in which case there's nothing she can do about that. Or she has known about it for 8 years and has been saying no for 8 years.

Either way, she has said no. He just isn't interested in listening to her and keeps pushing, hoping to wear her down.

It really doesn't matter what the fetish is. The OP doesn't want to do it.

Can he stop the urge to participate? Is it an important part of his life? Questions I guess only the OP's partner can answer, but if he's gone 8 years without (unless he's going elsewhere) then I would assume he can do without it.

I think as usual the advice about clear communication and agreeing on future expectations and boundaries is all sensible advice.

In supporting some of the points I thought I'd offer my experience as a man with a bit of a fetish for something tame / not obviously sexual. I don't need it to get off, but when done in context (i.e. the person does it on purpose) it flicks a switch in me instantaneously.

I've been married for over 15 years and we've been together over 20 and it absolutely came up early on in the relationship when things were all rampant and adventurous, with my now DW actively using for her amusement and pleasure.

Over the years that side of our relationship has become very sparce (both in general and in particular this) and now if it happens a couple of times a year I'm doing very well indeed, she's told me that part has become a chore and I've no desire to push further on this basis (because I know how I'd feel being pushed to do something I was no longer happy to do).

I still fantasise about it but I don't personally feel compelled to try and seek out someone to do it as, despite the changes in that side of the relationship, we are closer than we have ever been and for me it's worth waiting for it to be given.

Would that change if it was withdrawn completely, I don't think so, the long term reduction of this hasn't changed anything and I could still fantasise over it, but obviously that's just hypothetical for now.

Thank y’all for the advice.
Our relationship is absolutely perfect. We have regular sex, most nights, he’s loving, caring, thoughtful, supportive, all the traits any person could wish for in a partner. He’s never going to cheat, that I am 100% sure of. That’s just not him and before anyone says ‘yes he could’, but you don’t know him and that is genuinely something he’d never consider. I’m not going to end our relationship because of this one thing. Yes, he wants me to get involved, (it’s not a 3 some or anything that includes outsiders) but just something I’m personally not comfortable with.