Zero interest help please

[Rachaelc1981]

Hi, I really need some advice on how to get my sex drive back. I have no urge/desire for sex yet I enjoy it when it happens but I just have no interest or desire to even try and have it. I’m a 43 year old married women of 10 years. My husband is 45 years old. He’s pretty much given up on me if I’m being honest, he’s sick of me showing him no interest or paying him no attention, apparently I never make the most of time together, I never make an effort for him etc. I have zero confidence in myself, I’ve had 3 children so I don’t feel the most attractive, I feel I don’t have any time to make an effort as in putting sexy underwear on etc, to be honest I feel pretty shit about myself. When we do have sex it’s me that has to initiate it, he doesn’t touch me as in forplay and when we are having sex he never puts his hands on me, he just leaves them to the side of him, he says he doesn’t find me attractive in any way because of the lack of interest and attention I’ve shown him. I just want to show him that I do want him that way. I need to get my drive back. Any advice would be great thank you

Effort has to come from both sides! Sounds like you’re trying and he’s being a sulky git. Talk more, plan a date night, tell him how you want to be touched…but he has to be bothered too!

Your description is confusing: you "have no interest or desire to even try" and yet "when [you] do have sex it’s [you] that has to initiate it."

It sounds like neither of you is getting what you need and I'd say it will only improve if you both actively want to make changes to your dynamic. Unilateral change will not fix anything.
Start the conversation, away from the bedroom and in a non judgemental way, about where you both want to be. Think about intimacy that isn't sexual. And if you are both motivated to take a new path, seriously consider investing in seeing a counsellor. (It's cheaper than divorce!)

If you're initiating you're doing your bit! Sounds like the lack of enthusiasm is from him!

Try porn to get him going? Toys?

Also, if you don't want sex and he doesn't either, what's the problem? Sounds perfect.

Thank you for your reply, he is bothered but he says why should he make the effort if I’m clearly not bothered about him !

He does want sex but it’s gets to the point where I think “crap it’s been a few weeks, I better do something” he’s not interested in talking things through as apparently he’s heard it all before ! Like I say, I’m 43, had 3 children and have absolutely zero confidence in myself, I never look at myself in the mirror etc. without sounding disgusting, I rarely shower, not out of choice but because there are so many people that are in my family that work, I’m literally last in line and can go weeks without having a shower so you can imagine I don’t feel very hygienic and worry I smell. I enjoy sex with my husband but just can’t be bothered to initiate it or start it off, the urge just isn’t there

@Rachaelc1981 reading your op actually made me sad in that you have zero confidence, yet still initiate then your partner won’t touch you as a punishment it seems. Your post is about so much more than sex and I think you would get a lot of help on the relationships board instead of the sex one.
It sounds like you have been putting yourself last for a long time and this has to stop today.
Not giving yourself basic self care is really neglecting yourself. Are you in a shared house and could you not find five mins for yourself? When my kids were little I would sit them on toilet seat while I showered or take them in with me. Of course you have zero confidence, oh sound over loaded and touched out.

You really do need to shower every day, or at least very regularly. For about a million reasons.

Thank you for your reply. No I’m not in shared accommodation, my family is very large(7 altogether) so you can imagine bathroom time is very busy ! Funny enough I am on the relationship site but I thought I would cover all options. My youngest is 3 years old and is a bad sleeper so I have to sleep on the sofa with him every night so the older children and husband can sleep for work etc so that’s even less time or opportunities to have time together but according to husband I don’t even attempt anything but if I did try and settle son I would wake everyone in the house and then they would complain about being tired for work etc so I feel completely stuck, actually I feel completely stuck in everything in my life. I have no friends and no one to talk to, I’m really not feeling sorry for myself but I hate how things have turned out. Thank you for taking the time in reading my post x

I think to start you need to work on your self-esteem and self-care. How is it that you never find time to shower at any point in the day? Surely the bathroom is not occupied all the time? You need to care for your own physical and mental health first. Do you work, have hobbies, sports? How is the household managed in terms of sharing of responsibilities with your husband? All of these things matter.
The non-sex issue seems to be going on for years. It's possible that your husband is tired of initiating and now has given up and become frustrated. Similarly, if you see sex as a chore, the urge is never going to be there. I suggest working through your issues with a relationship counsellor, so you both can learn healthy coping and decide the future of your marriage.

I do t work as I have my 3 children at home which in turns means no time for hobbies, friends etc. obviously the bathroom has free time but we can’t use the shower all the time as it causes condensation etc which would damage the house. I literally do all household chores as in childcare, cook, clean, shopping, washing etc. I agree when you say my husband has given up as he openly says he has, he also says he doesn’t find me attractive in any kind of way inside and out because of the lack of effort and attention I put into him but I just feel so overwhelmed by my life and I’ve tried explaining this and he doesn’t want to know, I get “well other women manage” response ☹️

Your husband's response and attitude is not helpful or kind either. I also would not want to have sex with such a man. If there is no attraction or respect, then what is the point of the marriage?
It's also time to have a chat with your family members in terms of chores- why are you doing it all? I'm assuming there are other adults in your household too. Though sorry I cannot still understand why you can't or won't shower for weeks! I have lived in huge joint families with 9 adults + children and everyone showered everyday. You can't be the only responsible for the condensation of the bathroom. Perhaps you need to step up and take some onus too.

In total there are 4 adults and 3 children, 2 adults are from my husbands 1st marriage, they go to work and support the family financially so I don’t feel ok asking for help at home. As for the shower, I can’t shower as often as I would like as others need to shower for work and for the type of house we live in (2flats made into a house) it would cause too much mould plus the cost of the heating and the water would cost too much. I feel I don’t get any respect or affection from my husband and I’ve spoke to him about this but he pretty much says this is how he’s felt for years from me.

@Rachaelc1981 i mean this in the kindest way but you are putting yourself last in every way and it seems this extended family set up has you doing all the domestic chores. The other adults should help with the house as without you they couldn’t work and have everything done for them.
please stop using the excuse of mold and cost stop you from the shower, take 5 mins to shower, you will feel so much better for it.

I don’t like the attitude of your husband toward you. He sounds older than you and pretty ignorant. It’s hard work being stuck at home with kids and all the chores of the house. Are you sure you are not being financially abused here we well?

@Rachaelc1981 I really think you’ll get more support if you get this thread moved to relationship boards

This - you could literally step in the shower for even 2 minutes just for a very quick wash. You’ll feel better for it. Are you sure you’re not depressed?

I think the housework test can derail these discussions. Having differentiation in tasks seems fair enough if some in the household are in paid work and others are not. What's important is whether everyone's getting a fair amount of recreation time and, if not, whether they mind. I have less than other members of my family and I do more - I'm happy with that for my own reasons and as long as I'm not taken for granted (at which point I begin minding very much.)

But I totally agree OP that you shouldn't be putting yourself last. The risk is that people take you for granted, stop respecting you and you stop respecting yourself. Your right to wash is at least as important as every other member of the household. I live in a country that is infamous for cold, mouldy houses: the solution is that people mustn't have long luxury showers, they should get out asap.

I'm also minded to ask whether you have access to money.

About sex (as this is the sex board after all) I think you have to make time for intimacy without any expectation of sex, ie, create the space and see if it happens naturally.

With everything going on in your life I can understand why sex is low on the priority list. The question is, do you want sex? How do you feel about your husband? If not that is understandable, if he wants things to improve he needs to help you have more than me to yourself.
However I fully agree with others, letting your own personal hygiene slip is a sign that the domestic situation you are in had made you depressed. So what if you using the shower makes it mouldy? The others are clearly using it and don't care? Maybe your husband could fit some better ventilation in the room to combat the risk of mould? Take time to look after yourself, and if you genuinely don't have time your husband needs to help you make time.
Good luck

Start with this.
You can't go weeks without a shower.
You can't go days without a shower.

Just start with this: you have to have a shower every day.

Before you even think about sex or how you feel. Because if you're going weeks without paying any good attention and love to your dear body, then my heart goes out to you, this must be making you feel so very very sad.

So. It's not that hard. In fact, it's easy. You need to think about how you can fix this. And have access to a shower every day.

Why can't you shower every day? Let's just start there.

In all honesty I do feel depressed, I feel totally worthless, nothing I do is good enough but I don’t feel like I could say anything along the lines of being depressed as my husband has suffered from depression years before we met and he has strong views on it and he would probably say I don’t understand what depression is but to answer your question yes I probably am ❤️

I think you should make an appointment and go and talk to the GP.

And it doesn't matter about condensation. Can you open a window in the bathroom? You must have a shower every day.

Defo get your husband to sort ventilation. Apologies if I sound stupid but if the bathroom has a window - open it, and keep it open while showering and 30 min afterwards.