Did I overreact

[Blabladebla]

So I'm going to start off by saying I've been an idiot. I work with a person..we work from home so have talked plenty of times at work but never met...I really liked him a lot...I've been single for over 10 years.

We swapped numbers and Whatsapped and called a lot..he talks about sex a lot and it would be things like I would be saying all cutesy things, he would as well but if I said something really cute it would turn into sex out of the blue.

I told him it bothered me and he toned it down a little for about a week. He has a high sex drive and kept talking about 4 hour sex sessions and sex at least twice a day if not sex then at least a blow job..he asked me for nude pics and after much of going on i sent my boobs...thats all i ask i promise he said..then he wanted pu**y pics then bum then videos and i said no eventually.

kept asking me if i get wet whilst at work and just annoying really..he also stated when we got paid he had his bank card cloned and so he now had nothing..freezing flat..no food and so stupidly i sent him money..i get money throughout the month PIP, wages etc and sent him about £960 in just under 3 weeks..cos im an idiot i guess...he knows my history of domestic abuse and im not sure if he played on the fact of that or not...he asked me if i want to be choked during sex and it triggered me massivly..instant upset stomach and felt ill..whilst at work...i told him i was triggered and he said im not into it just asked as ive seen it in porn and i wouldnt grab you hard anyway....i immediately told him i dont wish to pursue anything with him anymore and i cant stop thinking if ive overreacted...i dont think i have and to be honest i feel like an absolute idiot.

i wont get that money back and luckily any pics i sent didnt have my face but im a 46 year old woman who really should know better...have i overreacted or am i an idiot whos been taken in by someone i thought was such a lovely person whos used me and thought i was weak.

p.s if youre into rough play then i do apologise...imnot and even if i was we havent even met yet and have been only talking on whatsapp for about 2 weeks if that and its cost mejust under a grand and my dignity...i feel so stupid

I'm so sorry you went through this. He was definitely taking advantage of you in regards to money. I would consider letting your bosses know for definite. Block him on all accounts

I talked to my boss right away as he has claimed to be suicidal before and immediately signed off work and i was worried..my boss spoke to him on teams and i thought but he is offline so clearly put himself as offline to make me worry....its just such a big mess..feel so stupid

Have you spoken to your boss about the sexual harassment (that is what the nagging for pictures and video is) and the money demands? I can understand if you didn't want to go into detail with them but it may be worth just mentioning the basics or what he did

I told my boss everything yes...he never asked me for money just hinted and i sent them..the pics i send them as well so its my own stupidity isnt it...my boss main concern is me as this person is not on my managers team and im doing ok...just feel really stupid and questioning if ive overreacted but you have made me feel better..so thank you for that xx

You have not been an idiot. You have been manipulated and abused by someone who should not have done what he did.
You have done nothing wrong as he took advantage of you.
Feel proud that you had the courage to tell your boss, you are far better that the man who abused you.

Thank you...that means a lot to hear

Firstly I'm sorry to hear what you have been through, secondly this is not your fault. You are definitely not an idiot.

With regards to the whole thing. This is sexual harassment in the workplace which is a massive no no. Just because you have gone along with it and sent pictures it is still harassment. Do you have a HR department you can speak to to escalate this? If he has done this once there is a high chance he has also done in the past and may do again in the future

oh bless you. So so well done for stopping it and speaking up. And you are no idiot at all, you were trusting, open-minded, generous, kind and forgiving.

When someone grooms you, the point is that for a good while it actually works. That's the point of grooming. They say what they know you need to hear, and they are careful to draw you in before they pounce. And by that time you are ensnared, bonded to some degree, and also want to keep them happy and don't want to lose the high they gave you.

The guy is sex-mad and not in a good way. He was not thinking about you - he was thinking about himself. You were to be the necessary accessory.

You have escaped. Again.

I wonder if some sort of counselling would help you.You could actually call the National domestic abuse line, and/or Refuge, and they would help you get someone to talk to about all of this. What happened before, and about how vulnerable you are now.

But thank goodness it's over.

He took advantage of your kindness and vulnerability.

I very much doubt his card was cloned. I'm not saying it's not feasible but it's the oldest trick in the book when it comes to slime balls like him.

I do hope you get your money back. It's your money and you lent it in good faith.

Please don't be so hard on yourself.

Thanks everyone so much. 💓

Have you had therapy @Blabladebla and have you done the freedom program.

I think it would be useful to you.

your history has made you vulnerable and he has treated you very badly. And kindly it’s worrisome that you are questioning that and are minimising it so it sounds like it’s your fault with. I responsibility on his side.

you deserve better than this but I feel you need a safe space to work through things so you can recognise red flags and build your self esteem to make you less vulnerable to people folding your boundaries.

please don’t feel bad @Blabladebla this isn’t on you, it’s on him!