How would you feel?

[anotherrandomname2025]

I've been with my boyfriend for nearly 2 years. He's had problems with premature ejaculation on and off. A while ago we discussed toys, pills etc that might help, he got a cock ring that doesn't do much. He also said a few months ago that he'd bought a delay spray. I said we'd need to be careful with that as in the past I've been sensitive to certain chemicals in lubes, latex condoms bother me too, so anything that's potentially touching me internally we'd need to be cautious about it, eg check ingredients, use just a tiny bit to test it first, he agreed, nothing more was said about it. I have no idea how those sprays work, if it could possibly transfer to me from his penis or not.

A couple of weeks ago we'd been out, I was very, very drunk and he was slightly more sober but not by much. We'd gone to bed, he was in the mood, I was more tired than anything but still interested. Before anything happened we'd been getting ready for bed, no discussion of anything sex related. But then once in bed the situation changed. Having sex I thought 'god for once he's taking ages, I'm getting nowhere, really want to sleep' but didn't discuss it. The next day it came up that he'd not had any PE issues, and only then he told me he'd actually used the delay spray on himself.

I told him I actually felt uncomfortable because he'd not asked before using it, it was something going into my body that I didn't know about, I didn't know if the chemicals would transfer from him to me and we'd not tested it on me, and at no point before the sex had he communicated he wanted to use this.

He is the type of man who communicates literally everything, so this was extra surprising. He might just stroke my leg and asks 'is this ok?' for example, he's very careful about consent. So I was hugely surprised he had done this.

He accepts what I've said, and understands he did not receive consent from me to use the spray. His reasoning is that he was embarrassed he even needs to use it and also very drunk and not thought it through. He has apologised but it's not sitting right at all. Ok he might have forgotten I'd said about testing it first, as that conversation was ages ago. But to just put it on at some point without even mentioning is really weird to me. I understand he's embarrassed but we've discussed it before and I'm obviously aware of his PE, it's not like it's something hidden. I think because he's usually so clear on consent and boundaries I can't really reconcile what he did with how he usually is.

I suppose I want to gauge how other women might feel. Is it something private for him that you wouldn't have felt you needed to know? Am I being OTT on this, considering I didn't have any kind of skin reaction to it anyway? I have a history of overreacting and self-sabotaging relationships due to previous abusive relationships, so I don't want to make a drama out of something that I'm blowing out of proportion. I don't want to write this off based on one mistake or one lack of communication. I know it's not as serious as stealthing for example, but the fact he must have applied it secretly at some point before coming to bed, knowing what he was doing but not telling me, seems a bit underhand.

Thanks if anyone cares to offer a viewpoint!

I didn’t want to read and run but seems he genuinely wanted to please you and it probably helped his confidence not disclosing the use of spray as it’s embarrassing for him.
As it is your body and your choice yes you can bring it up with him but don’t make it a huge deal. Only because it may make sex more tense in the long term.

@anotherrandomname2025 as a man who has suffered from PE among other things I can really sympathise with him, although i do understand your POV.

PE is almost always psychological, so once he can control himself a few times, he will feel a huge weight lifted off his shoulder.

So many people on MN comment about selfish lovers, partners not wanting to fix ED, but you have a partner who is actively trying to fix his issues, for your benefit as much as his.

I appreciate you wanted to 'test' it first but the reality is, it was never really going to give you serious side effects and it turns out it didn't and you didn't even know he used it, so I would praise him instead of pointing out he should have asked you first and tell him how much you enjoyed it.

I Used to take Viagra without my partner at the time knowing, when she found out at our urologist appointment she initially wasn't happy, but I explained to her its embarrassing and not something men openly want to admit to taking.

Now you know it works ( although bear in mind the alcohol would have delayed his orgasm considerably as well ) use it as normal a few more times. Then, each time use a little bit less until he no longer needs to use it. You will have a brand new man, both in and out of the bedroom.

Hi OP, I totally see where you're coming from especially given your past experiences. But I think given how you've described him as being so caring and considerate, I don't feel like there was any malice in his actions. In fact I reckon he really wanted to please you, add drunkenness into the mix and he made a decision without thinking maybe??
If he's accepting of why you're upset and he's apologetic then I personally would let it go. It's probably a difficult subject for him to talk about and the fact he's open about it with you and went as far as to buy the spray was a big step for him. I do think you could have tried the spray yourself in a non sexual situation to see if it suited you but that's neither here nor there.
Those sprays are literally just lidocaine which is local anaesthetic like you get at the dentist. So it wouldn't have the same kind of chemicals as lube etc it's just a numbing agent (might have contributed to why you were getting no where🙈). You will feel how you feel and no one here will change that but don't make any decisions before giving yourself a bit more time to mull it over.

@Bionicman thanks for your POV.

About it not hurting me, I suppose my point is that at the time he made the decision to use his spray, we didn't know that it would not have any effect.

I'd asked to check the ingredients due to past problems and he'd agreed, but never told me the brand, the chemical or any details. The convo went no further at the time. He also doesn't know the details/ingredients of what I had reacted to in the past. It felt like his desire to use the spray outweighed him not wanting to potentially take the risk of causing me pain. (I was seriously burned inside my vagina by a lube and still have extra delicate areas as a result, so definitely wanted to check things out first.) While I'm obviously glad I had no reaction, and we could safely use it again, when he put it on neither of us had checked it out properly.

Thanks @AnonAnonmystery it really helps to see your thoughts. We've had sex since then and everything was fine. But the situation keeps popping up in my mind and making me feel uneasy. I haven't said anything to him since our morning after chat as I don't want to make him feel bad once he's already apologised. I'm wary of going OTT or making him feel embarrassed so appreciate your views.

Thank you @remaininghopeful23 I think you're right, there's no malice in him at all. I've been fine with him since, not rehashing it or feeling tense, as I hope it was just a drunken moment and him not thinking clearly, it's just been popping up in my head again. But because I'm always prone to being on guard, it would be easy to freak out about a small thing and press the eject button! And I'd rather work through this in myself rather than just complaining to him if it was something he thought would be fun/please me, and not had sneaky motives. But as I commented to Bionicman, it did come across like his desire to try it took precedent over my wish not have any burning or irritation in my bits! Maybe he knew it was more anaesthetic but I didn't know, and he also didn't know what type of lubes, creams etc had hurt me in the past...for all he knew it could have been the same type of stuff that bothered me.