Will DH ever recover from ED?

[Hollyandivygoout]

DH has always had ED and never been able to get a full erection without viagra since we met 20 years ago. We have recently discovered he is having full night time erections (bought a device that measures them) so assume the issue is psychological. He grew up in a very emotionally abusive family and has also had negative sexual experiences before me due to his ED.
Is there any hope he will be able to have full erections during sex after all this time. I have been very reassuring that it doesn’t matter, but would obviously be elated if he could. How can I help him? Any advice would be so helpful as it’s something I can’t talk about with friends and family. He’s approaching 50 now.

I presume in the past 20 years he's consulted a doctor and has been checked out for any underlying medical reasons.

Obviously, he can get a full erection because he's getting them overnight. Like you say, I think 99% of this is psychological. But it does seem a long time to be struggling with it.

I know it sounds a bit wishy-washy but could he benefit from talking to someone about it?

I suffered with erectile dysfunction off and on for a while and the more I think about it, the more it happens. I've tried to train my brain away from those thoughts and to focus on the positivity of sex instead. It does mostly work. I over-complicated sex in my head because of the erectile dysfunction and then in turn, because of the worry and stress, can't maintain an erection. It's a vicious circle.

Thank you @FancyExpert. I really can’t understand how we let it continue this long, I really regret that. I think DH was too embarrassed to talk about it to anyone and I didn’t want to hurt him. He has recently spoken to the GP who has checked testosterone levels etc and all fine. Apart from that they were not at all helpful.
The cycle you describe sounds exactly what is happening. He is a massive overthinker. I’m trying to think of ways to stop this happening but it seems as soon as he starts to get hard, he starts thinking about it and loses it.

I would recommend therapy, preferably not couples therapy or sex therapy but just a good psychotherapist which he trusts. Discussing sexual and emotional issues from early life could make a huge difference.

@Hollyandivygoout look at my ED thread from a week or so back. There's lots of valuable information on there.

NTE and DTE, use different nerve pathways, so its still highly possible that a man can have ED even with NTE.

If he can get a full erection with Viagra, and he can keep it, then he can rule out a veneous leak.

The simplest way to establish if his ED is physical or psychological is to ask him whether he can get an erection when he masturbates. If he can then its psychological, if he can't then it's likely physical.

Look at the thread - ED - A mans story and then come back here with any questions.

From my experience, it's all about breaking the cycle. What helped with us was a little sexual spontaneity. It gave me no time to overthink it. But I think with your partner, it would be focusing on positive thinking and dispeling those thoughts of ED dread when it comes to sex.

There are some good YouTube videos on this and even an app, I believe...there's an app for everything! Myself and my partner even watched a documentary on ED together, just to find out more about it. It helped.

Whatever you both try together, best of luck with it!

How about you concentrate on the fun side of sex rather than the physical side, and no cumming for him for a while, maybe some sexy lingerie to distract his brain from his problem, maybe a few toys, maybe some tie and tease to try and give him an erection (make it fun) and keeping it but no release (and no allowing to sneak off by himself), take control.

Thanks for these replies, they are really useful as I’m clueless about the best way to proceed. I’ve tried sexy lingerie, erotic massage etc but tbh it’s not helped at all. I think it makes him focus more on the fact he’s not getting an erection. The thing that makes him semi hard is when he’s giving me oral sex but then he’ll lose it again when I try to pleasure him.

The thing that makes him semi hard is when he’s giving me oral sex

Well thats a start - you have found something that his brain is focussing on that gives him stimulation. Perhaps you should both focus on your pleasure for the moment, Lots of men derive pleasure/stimulation from knowing they are pleasuring their woman.

With all due respect, a semi-hard dick isn't any good for anyone. Unless he can get fully hard, whether it be with you or solo, he needs to go see a urologist.

ED does not get better on its own, or rarely does, the only saving grace here is he is getting NTE ( Does he actually wake up with one? a 'device' probably isn't all that accurate ) so he is getting little to no atrophy.