Foreplay did nothing for me

[Changemynameyetagain]

Popping on to ask a bit of an embarrassing question...

I started seeing someone relatively recently.

He came over for an hour after work yesterday evening and had had a stressful day, I was tired so sex wasn't on the table, but we cuddled and he got a bit turned on but couldn't get hard, which was fine, so then he decided to start touching me. Bonus points for trying with me as my exes would've just rolled over and gone to sleep!

But... I'm not sure whether the problem was me being a bit under sensitive down there or him, but I basically couldn't feel much and ended up being quite sore so I stopped him.

He rubbed my general clit area backwards and forwards quite hard and fast, with the occasional...I can only describe it as a dip down with two fingers kind of down my labia and back up again, almost like you'd undo a zip. Not entering me but he did it a few times over the course of a couple of minutes so I assume it was meant to feel good.
That went on for a few minutes and each time he did brush past my clit it felt good and I was really trying to get into the right frame of mind but it just didn't feel like it was doing anything for me.
At one point I grabbed his finger to try and guide it to where I wanted and he pushed harder, almost fighting against me while I was trying to move his finger. So I have up and started touching myself and he carried on with what he was doing; he didn't seem aware I was actually at my clit and he obviously wasn't, so then I gave up.

We did talk afterwards and he told me that he took my grabbing his finger as me wanting him to press harder because I didn't say exactly what I was doing, but I'm used to sex being a bit more intuitive and if a man moves my hand for example, I'll ease off on what I'm doing and pay attention to where he's guiding me, if you know what I mean? Picking up subtle clues that he doesn't seem to be able to do.

So anyway. This isn't how I masturbate, I usually use fairly fast circles but not too much pressure until nearer the end so was wondering whether it's a case of he needs guidance on how to touch a woman to whether it's just me being used to my way of doing things?

Please bear in mind that exes have never been bothered about foreplay for me so I haven't experienced anyone doing 'this' before!
Also sorry if tmi, I tried to explain as non graphically as I could!

ETA: oh one last thing; when he was leaving this morning, he kept saying "it's gone alright in the past though hasn't it...I mean, we actually managed to have sex, didn't we" (he has some ED issues)

And also immediately after the failed masturbation attempt he said "well, I was just having a little play" which I found strange, like he was trying to reassure himself in some way because he couldn't bring me to orgasm?

How is the relationship generally? Are you friends? Do you like his company? If he doesn’t know how to use his fingers how is he with his tongue?

It sounds challenging - especially with the ED that’d put me off. As I get older I realise I can’t be bothered to teach men things, if he isn’t going to pick up on the subtle cues and isn’t open to improving then I’d throw him back in the sea.

We get on well and I do enjoy his company, although he is a little bit needy at times.

Tongue...similar to what he does with his hand, thinking about it - kind of up and down fast motion on my clitoral area and then lick down and up quite quickly, rinse and repeat...no orgasm but I never have that way anyway.

I did forget to say; he did ask me to show him what to do so that's a plus point. The problem is, I've never been with a man who is as 'bad' (if he is bad) as him.

It feels like he's quite inexperienced generally as he can never seem to get his penis in me easily and says it feels like there is "a bottleneck about an inch in, like your pubic bone" but my pubic bone is on the outside. To me, it feels like he's actually just pushing against my labia (which makes sense with the pubic bone comment) so I end up moving myself up and down to try and 'aim him' the right way but he follows me, so it's all a bit weird but we get there eventually!

I usually just point myself at the tip of his penis and tell him to push 🫣

It sounds like he doesn’t know what he’s doing. Maybe suggest having him watch you play with yourself and tell him how you like it then get him to gradually join in, hopefully this way he will pick up on how you like it.

He sounds inexperienced and insensitive to your needs, probably too overfoccused on his ED. As a rule I find most women enjoy relatively gentle foreplay, certainly to start with, and those who enjoy more vigours tend to enjoy that more during penetration than during foreplay.

You noted:

"This isn't how I masturbate, I usually use fairly fast circles but not too much pressure until nearer the end so was wondering whether it's a case of he needs guidance on how to touch a woman to whether it's just me being used to my way of doing things?"

It does seem that he is not very experienced. The clitoris can tend to hide if it is not engorged, also. You might try getting a bullet vibrator, have him pull back your clitoral hood (or not), and trace around your clitoris in a circle. Since you use fairly fast circles, This can work very well, and when you orgasm fairly hard; it may help with his penis arousal.

When I first met my now wife I was very out of practice shall we say. And she was the same. However, when it came to me going down on her it was just fine.
If anything she was more nervous going down on me.
My body just was not used to working like this, it had been years since I had last had sex.
So on night one it took me a long time to finish.
The next day she said "in the bedroom how can I help? what can I do?"
And then she said "I want to watch you, I want to see how you touch yourself, so that I can be better and you can feel the same amount of pleasure that you gave to me!"
No one had ever asked me that before. And tbh in the moment I was incredibly self conscious and nervous. She then said "do you look at porn online? will you show me what you like? I want to know what turns you on!"
That was a good next step. I grabbed my computer and showed her Literotica. I've always enjoyed reading erotic fiction over the years. (You'd be surprised how incredible some of the stories are. Was always amazed that people took the time to write some great stories) - I felt really comfortable with her (and tbh that was one of the moments where I thought "I want to marry her!") and we talked about our lacklustre sex lives up to the point we got together. It all felt relaxed and normal - and you know that's how it really should be.
So after sharing my deepest desires with her, we had some good dirty talk (again a new thing for me) and she sat back and watched me begin. She undressed a bit to help things along. And paid close attention.
As it got a bit hotter, she decided watching me wasn't enough so slipped her underwear off and started touching herself. In turn this was a massive turn on for me. Nothing awkward, all natural and healthy, and really enjoyable.
That was a great start to our relationship bc I had seen what she did - what pressure she used, how she began, the number of fingers used, how much penetration there was etc. Probably the best sexual education class I ever had!
So TLDR - I think if you're serious about building the relationship then perhaps you could show him?

Sex therapists recommend mutual masturbation for building intimacy.

He sounds like a struggle right now but he was at least trying.

I'm pretty assertive these days but only after plenty of sex with people I didn't love, so it was a purely fun/physical exercise and there was no emotion or embarrassment. It's not easy if you care about each other's feelings.

I've also had many decades years of sex with people who, however much they loved me, weren't really focused on curiosity and observation and moulding what they did into something that worked for me.

I'd consider watching all of the videos on omgyes with him, and chatting about it and what resembles what you like and what's different. If he gets interested and engages, and turned on, then I think there's a chance. If he gets bored and wanders off or goes on his phone, I'd be inclined to give up on him.

Take his hand and firmly guide it to show what you want and need. He seems to not understand how a woman “works” or, particularly, the clitoris.