How important is sex?

[Greatbritish]

I've been seeing a man I absolutely adore and who adores me.

However, the sex is mediocre. I can't help but compare this to my ex, where sex was so much better in so many ways. But the relationship with the new guy is so much better in so many ways.

I'm in my early 50s, so I'm not hopeful of finding a man where I get the great sex and the great relationship. Those two men were hard enough to find through the years

Is sex really that important, or should I just put up with mediocre sex for the sake of the great relationship?

Its incredibly important to some people

its really not important to others

Do you think communication with him could get you to a point where it’s good enough?

could it be fun working it out?

It’s definitely important.

As everything else is good, hopefully it will prove for you over time, if both are willing to learn what works for each other.

It is important to.some and not others. You can explore things you like together. You know what you like , so that a good starting point. Communicaion is so important. I've been in a relationship with sex that was selfish never again.

It’s not the mediocrity that I found a problem. It was the unwillingness to work on it, to laugh at us/himself and make it fun. I’ve fooled around quite a bit this year and realised just how poor both the sex and the relationship with my husband were.

A sex therapist could help you with new ideas to improve your sexual experience, and sex therapists lead couples to better intimacy.

Whar's mediocre about it?

Doesn't go on very long.

Routine. I try to suggest different things in the moment, but he'll do those things for up to 2 minutes, then back on his agenda.

I sent him a few pics one night. The response was "Good Lord", rather than thankful or reciprocating.

He only has a slow and gentle mode. No hard and fast.

There's no giggling. It's all very serious.

I've tried to talk to him, but he gets quite embarrassed talking about sex, so the conversation didn't go very far.

Orgasm wise... I've never had one through penetration with him, as he is far too gentle. Speeding up in penetration has always been my quick route to orgasm. He never has cum through penetration.

Oral, he can make me cum, but it takes a very long time and my imagination needs to really be working hard. I make him cum orally quite a lot and quite quickly.

Fingers - my hand job on him works a treat. His fingers on me make me sore, and I have to politely remove them after 15 mins for the sake of my clit.

I'm comparing all this to an ex who used to make me squirt with a combination of his fingers and mouth, and I regularly got the leg shakes with him. Penetration with ex...I once came 7 times in 20 mins.

But the ex never gave me butterflies in my tummy like this new man does.

As my wife says "life is too short to have bad sex".

I don't disagree with her. I'd have said the same from the comfort of my very long marriage.

But I now know life is too short to spend ages looking for a man who you connect with amazingly well AND that you can have great sex with. As much as I don't want to, it looks like compromises have to be made.

Was your ex your husband? With the great sex.

I think bad sex is just lack of compatibility. You need to let this one go if you want a fulfilling sex life

No, the ex was after the husband.

Sex with XH was mostly good. We didn't realise squirting was a thing back then...the times it happened, we always thought I'd pee'd myself with the enjoyment of the moment, so XH knew what he was doing. Sometimes the sex was poor, but that's to be expected over 25 years and raising children and living together.

I didn't live with ex. We'd see each other about once a fortnight, so the sex was always saved up. I see the current guy about the same. There's no pent up release with him in the same way as the ex. But I do have the butterflies leading up to our dates in a way I never did with the ex.

What's the point of butterflies if the sex is rubbish though?

You know you CAN have great sex (last 2 partners). So you will only feel resentment with this guy

The point of butterflies is because the relationship is great.

I want the sex to be great with him, truly, but at my age it feels like compromises have to be made as I don't think there's a man out there that's my age, who is great at sex and gives me the butterflies because the relationship is fabulous.

At least, I haven't found him in the last 7 years since my marriage ended.

As much as I love great sex, I'm wondering what others thoughts are on mediocre sex being the pay off for a great relationship.

Just keep in mind, sex tends generally to be better early on in a relationship, if it is mediocre now. Chances are it will be very unsatisfactory/ non existent in a few years time. You can get butterflies in your tummy from a roller coaster 😁. If he won't work on it, what other potential issues is he too lazy to invest in you on?

You make an excellent point. Our sex life became dreary and boring. It was 99.99% due to me. Took me ages to recognise and realise this.

After some serious self-evaluation and lots of talking, she began to see other men for sex. It transformed our relationship, she is very happy. She discovered herself and had a sexual awakening in ways we couldn't imagine (like we use to think squirting was a myth, until one guy made her do it). Our marriage is the strongest it has ever been.

Her having a happy sex life contributed to this.

This sounds absolutely excruciating, and just the point about him not ejaculating inside you would be enough to have me sewing the top of my sleek black tights to the frilly bottom of my pink camisole and not letting him anywhere near me. Ever. E-ver.

Everything sounds not just mediocre, but truly dreadful. But maybe that's just me. You may not mind it.

Him labouring away between your legs for ages and you having to think up scenarios that presumably remove you from the shocking reality to a fantasy land where if you squeeze your eyes tight enough shut you can just about have an orgasm to end the torment.
You having to remove his hand from you because he is literally making you sore.
A tentative, uncertain pace that never increases. Omg.

I'm so sorry, OP. Of course this is not tolerable. In my humble opinion. I myself feel traumatised just reading about it. I may have nightmares.

Getting on great with someone but not having any real pleasure in bed means, in my book, that he is a Friend. I feel sad, too, at the suggestion that you are now at your 'age' not going to find someone both hot and nice. Why not? Ok, you may have to expand your age group downwards, as men long ago discovered, so why not you too?

The sex is not mediocre. It is appalling. And you will soon not want to do it at all.

So the question really is:

Is it possible to have a great relationship at the price of no sex for the rest of your life?

My answer:

.........
no, not for me.
A relationship for me is centrally romantic and intimate, and physical closeness is so important, even just from the health point of view.

I think you should throw out the net wider.

You say mediocre, but from what you've described afterwards it's nowhere near mediocre. In, fact, you've insulted mediocre sex by comparing it to whatever this man's doing.
No, I would absolutely not settle for this.
Not because it's not great. But because you're totally incompatible. And he doesn't seem to care. There's zero willingness on his end to learn how to make it enjoyable for you.