Left feeling completely abnormal and useless

[jubs15]

In the 8 months I've been with my boyfriend I've had an orgasm in his presence 4 times - twice during sex with help from my hand, one from my hand alone, one from oral. I know he regularly uses porn as he had attempted to do things to me without asking first and he goes for ages without cumming and generally needs me to finish him off with my hand/mouth. I spoke to him and he confirmed he uses it daily before going to sleep, so I told him that while I'm not going to police his body, it makes me feel like my body is not good enough and that I can't match up to those women. The porn is always in the back of my mind. as I feel he carries unrealistic expectations in terms of how and how quickly I should be able to orgasm. He has implied that all his previous girlfriends were able to orgasm through sex alone, so that already makes me feel rubbish.

I told him last night that I orgasm through sex if he's on top where I can get my hand there and that I like slow and consistent strokes. He wasn't really doing any of that, one of my legs was in the air, the other was going into cramp and I pulled my hand away eventually because I wasn't getting anywhere and I felt he must be getting fed up. He told me the problem is that I am "too regimented" about how I cum, how "everything has to be in a set order" and that "it seems all the stars have to align for you to orgasm". I felt quite devastated by those words, because I didn't think I had asked for anything particularly unreasonable and it had never been a problem with previous partners (those who cared).

If I didn't feel completely abnormal and useless enough already, I do after those comments. I said that it takes me only a few minutes to get there if it's slow and consistent, after which he can go for however long he wants (he still takes ages due to the daily porn) and in whatever position(s) he wants. I now feel like I don't want to have sex with him at all and that if I do there's zero point in me trying to get an orgasm. The pressure to get there quickly, no matter what he's doing/not doing, is overwhelming and his comments have made it worse. All I have in my head is that I'm taking too long and not matching up to what he sees in porn.

Is there any way of sorting this out?

Sorry but he is a selfish prick who has no idea how to make a woman cum .He can’t cum through penetrive sex needs you to finish him off with hand or mouth .Its the porn he’s watching too much this is probably gonna get worse unless he stops if he’s making you feel shit why are you bothering sex is meant to be about both of you enjoying it

I don't think I would want to sort it out!

I had a relationship with a guy last year & he just wanted to re-enact porn. It was the most unsatisfying sex I ever had. Porn is very male-orientated.

The fact that his daily porn use is impacting on your relationship & he isn't open to changing that, and is shaming you for not being some kind of porn star. This one is not a keeper.

@jubs15 Sorry to hear you have such a selfish and pathetic partner. You are not abnormal or useless. He is. A good lover learns to understand their partners body and what she needs to achieve orgasm. Sex is not about racing to the finish, it is about showing intimacy and affection to your partner and focusing on what you need to do to make them happy. I hope you find someone else who can show the the care, attention and time that you deserve.

Porn is such a distraction! It ruins sex for the women being objectified, but it also ruins it for the people trying to recreate it. If it was so bloody marvellous then when he's doing all that weird shit, he'd come really quickly; but he doesn't, because it's not sexy. Often stuff you find arousing on film just isn't in real life

It's like going to the mountains and concentrating on taking photos, rather than being in the moment and breathing in the fresh air and being overwhelmed by the scale of the landscape. None of that comes out in the photos you take!

Porn sex and relationship sex are not the same animal. The thing that's sexy is the connection, the shared vulnerability and the funny stuff, the being together, the wonder of the discovery and the comfort of the known, the power of being able to excite someone and enjoying making them feel that way, loving that they let you into their space.

Porn guys miss all the best bits

Sorry, I'm coming over all Mills & Boon...

8 months in... I would ditch him.

He's not only a very selfish lover but he seems to believe what he sees in porn over the real life woman that is in front of him telling him what she needs... so he's clearly not very smart either!!

You deserve better. I'm sure many of his previous partners were faking it, sadly even we are affected by what we see in porn and allow it to affect what we think we should want/ do during sex.

Op There are far too many red flags with this person time to move on.

You deserve to be treated with respect.

As an aside, there's a whole generation of men who are getting their sex education from pornography.

And that worries me, for men - who think that gymnastic positions, choking, hair pulling, anal & lack of consent is normal.

And for women who are subjected up that, as if they're just some kind of orifice for men to do what they like with.

There's no intimacy, tenderness, laughing, caring or wanting to learn what works together in pornography. And that's what sex is about.

Since only 18% of women can orgasm through penetration sex alone, all of his previous girlfriends probably did not orgasm from sex alone. Clitoral stimulation often needs to be combined with penetration sex. You should tell him that, and you do not need to feel bad about needing clitoral stimulation. Also, the reverse cowgirl position gives you the best access to your clitoris with your hand or a bullet vibrator; and he can even help you by lifting you up and down with his hands.

I don’t think this is about him understanding about clitoral stimulation, although he does not appear to understand how a woman “works” or what a clitoris is.

Quality sex is about the sharing of bodies. Sharing, this is definitely not.

l don’t see any benefit in continuing this uphill struggle.

He should understand her needs, and this relationship is an uphill battle, but he should know the facts; whether or not the relationship continues.

Why are you taking his shortcomings on yourself.

sex is supposed to be mutually beneficial experience and he is not It bringing anything to the table. Then blaming it on you and you have just let him with no thought otherwise!

i only orgasm through oral. I detest hand stimulation and it doesn’t happen (like most women) through penetration.
every partner has been ok with that none have ever expressed or expected me to fit in with their ideas of how they think my body should work. Every one was happy that they were given a helpful guarantee. It saved them work and guessing.

why are you wasting months on a man who doesn’t deserve to even be allowed to touch your body? never mind deserves your care towards them.
Find a person who appreciates you, he will feel lucky you even want to sleep with him and most people who care about their partner actively WANT TO PLEASE THEM

That is deflection and jealousy.

He is the one that should feel inadequate after making these comments! 🤬

I work with couples that have deep rooted issues and him creating these issues is exactly the type of thing that causes deep rooted issues for years to come.

My advice, reject those comments. Don't entertain them. Don't allow him to believe that it is acceptable for things like that to be floated about because of his own irresponsible decisions when it comes to choosing his own sexual entertainment 🤯🤯🤯🤯

So the last time I saw him I knew it was pointless asking him to do anything for me, so I attempted to "see to myself". Except that I was trying to masturbate him with my other hand, so I couldn't concentrate. He also pinched my thigh with his whole hand REALLY hard, to the extent I had to push his hand off me and express how much he'd hurt me. The pain put me off so much that I just stopped what I'd been doing.

The next morning I tried talking to him about what had happened. All I got back was, "What do you want me to say?" and how it wasn't his fault I'd spent 45 minutes trying to get somewhere before I stopped (insulting because that time was utter nonsense and I didn't realise I was on a time limit). He said he wanted an easy life with no problems, so I told him to stick to the porn and fuck off. Not my greatest moment, but I'd had all I could take of his "can't be bothered" attitude.

He messaged me an hour later to say, "It's not you, I just didn't have anything to say and I'm tired." I've heard nothing since and it's been 3 days, so he clearly not bothered. It's become obvious to me that my "problems" were down to being with someone who cared more about porn than me. After 8 months nobody in his life knew I existed and he never said he loved me. For the sake of having some affection I tolerated all this and an awful lot more. If I ever get into another sexual relationship, I am going to find it even harder to orgasm now, because of how abnormal his daily porn consumption has made me feel.

Sorry this happened to you. Best of luck with your future relationships and sexuality. You deserved much better and now you're one step closer to it.