DH enjoys bdsm- I dont

[Where2turn]

So when I met DH we both clarified early on neither are vanilla, we explored bdsm together and some aspects I enjoyed, some not so much.

Hes a sub, however he heavily enjoys cross dressing, I heavily don’t. We separated last year for a few reasons but mainly for me its sex- he has sexual anxiety and unless some aspect is bdsm during sex he loses his erection so loving/regular/vanilla sex is extremely rare and I’m finding it difficult. We reconciled, told our DC we was getting back together then I found out he had been dabbling in much heavier cross dressing and bsdm (electro play and silicon wear/silicon breasts etc).. it was too late, we’d already told family/friends we’d reconciled but in my heart of hearts I just can’t enjoy a sexual relationship with this person anymore (I don’t feel emotionally or sexually safe with him enough to open up).

I’ve suggested an open marriage but he’s declined, I’ve suggested we separate again but he’s declined and said he refuses to do it again as it was financially crippling.

i don’t know what else to do. I love and care for him as the father of my DC and I appreciate we’ve seen through life together but I just don’t know how to claw us back (if we can). We tried couples counselling but sex talk was off
limits due to his embarrassment so I accepted that but it didn’t help.

Ask him to find a kink-aware therapist he would be willing to work with to talk this through. You don’t need his permission to end it if that’s what you need. I get that you don’t want to mess around all the people you love, but your wants and needs are as important as his. They can not and should not be ignored.

Couples counselling will never work if you're not allowed to discuss the major problem in the relationship! I can see he'd be embarrassed - but if he wants to solve the problem he'll have to get over himself

Although, to be honest, it sounds like a pretty untractable problem. You're just incompatible. In the end, you don't need his permission to separate - you just need to do it.

Thank you. I appreciate that.

I realise I don’t need his permission, however the last separation was my idea, I feel overwhelming guilt at doing this to us again, I’ve been having regular panic attacks and just in tears daily at what my life is, I feel like I’m stuck in mud in all honesty.

I agree, we are just incompatible, big age difference, sexual preference difference, personalities etc.

I wish financially I could choose to seperate but.. right now it just isn’t an option if it’s on my own terms unfortunately.

It sounds like you got back together for financial reasons?

Just tell him you will no longer be having a sexual relationship with him as you don't want to. And you will be looking outside the marriage now for this (as he has done with his 'dabbling'). You don't need his permission- it's up to him if he wants to walk away again though.

If I may say, it does sound as if you got back together under false pretences. He only declared his extended "dabbling" after you reunited, probably knowing you'd find that hard to live with and accept. He was dishonest.

As others have said, you're not passive here, you can lay down your own terms.
Only you know if, even accepted by him, they would enough for you.

Sorry I should have added the ‘dabbling’ was done alone while we was seperated.. I can’t hold it against him but still.. I look at him differently now, I’m trying not to kink shame but it’s hard when it’s your husband to see them like you did before knowing they get their rocks off to physically changing themselves to be a woman. Im also triggered all the time because im
fully aware of his kinks by anything and almost everything.

He says he wants to share them (kinks) with me but I have zero interest, he gets angry/upset when I say this as “I’ve experimented with him before and showed some enjoyment in bdsm’ but he’s missing the point that just because I’ve enjoyed some aspects doesn’t mean I enjoy all. I was also masking through a lot of the experimenting to try and appease him as we was early on in our relationship and I was much younger and naive.

"I’ve suggested we separate again but he’s declined and said he refuses to do it again"

Unfortunately for him it doesn't work like this. He can't "refuse". You tried to get back together, it didn't work because you now know something you didn't at the time and you don't want to. That's reason enough.

It sounds like he's used to not telling the truth and you've got used to going along with it, but fuck that for a basis for a relationship. It's over, ship out, move on.

Don't sentence yourself to a miserable life because you feel guilty. You are responsible for your own happiness - so you need to do the things that will make you happy. Equally, he is responsible for his own happiness and you aren't responsible for his misery.

People change, feelings change, circumstances change. If this relationship is done then you need to (with kindness and consideration) go and get the future you want. You don't need any other reason

As someone who is into various forms of kink/BDSM I would certainly question your DH's attitude. Cross-dressing may be important to him, but it also seems like it's important for him to impose his preference on someone else – you.

There are plenty of people out in the wide world who he could explore his interests with. Based on what you say he has several options, all of which allow him to do this: to have an open marriage and the two of you not have a sexual relationship, to have the kinky stuff to himself and the two of you have a vanilla or semi-vanilla sex life together, to break up and go his own way. He has rejected all of them.

Sadly it seems as if what he is interested in is boundary-pushing with someone who isn't into his kinks. This seems to be a common pattern with middle-aged het men. Their kink is actually the justification for a dynamic with a partner who either reluctantly goes along with their predilection, or is pushed into a role of being the authority to the 'naughty boy'/'free spirit'.

I don't see a way out of this and I think you are perfectly justified in thinking that you haven't been offered a fair choice. Sorry.

A colleague at my last place of work faced something very similar, they found a very unconventional way to accommodate both their needs. Little bit too adventurous to describe here but if you pm il try and explain their efforts x

You need to be realistic this relationship is never going to work. His sexual wants are just OTT for you and not even combined with any loving cuddling type aspect. There is no point dragging this out as the pain will be dealt h by a thousand cuts basically.

We have tried a little BDSM but mild by what you have described and I have actually enjoyed it but it is very much an occasionally experience wrapped up in a normal loving sex life