No choice

[Tracy20009]

Good morning all, one specifically for ladies if gents wouldn’t mind.

WRT sexual encounters have you ever felt like you couldn’t say no to a man despite not wanting to. I wouldn’t call it rape as I have ultimately agreed and consented but there’s been several occasions over the course of the last few years where I felt I’d got myself into a situation in which I couldn’t see away out of it. One such occasion I was in a relationship and despite me not wanting to the man was so pushy and coercive I felt like I had no choice as I’d already broken my partners trust by being in this person company and he knew it, I just let it happen! Am I alone in this? I know there’s probably a lot of men who would like to comment please on this occasion I’d like a woman’s perspective.

Kind of.

A few years ago an ex was pushing to meet me. In the end I agreed although didn't massively want to, then he told me he'd taken viagra, I slept with him then left. I'm older and wiser now

…I’d need to go back several years. But I often had sex with my husband that I resented. Never felt pressured by a date, though.

Yep, for years most weeks. Now ex stayed away during the week and expected ‘what was his right’ when he was home, whenever he wanted it. To deny him would cause all sorts of issues and ruin the weekend for the kids. So it was definitely coercive and abusive but I don’t count it as rape (he did that too on a couple of occasions). It’s scary what you put up with out of fear of change…

I hope you’re okay

Yes, I’d say a lot of women have.

When younger say 20. Over persuaded on a couple of dates. Not same man. Once was enough.
Drinks or meal out then snogging in car then hands everywhere, under my clothes. It was nice, then it stopped being so nice and I wanted out but It would have been a major event. The first time, blood would have been shed, so I surrendered. Both similar scenarios.

Yes. With an ex a few years back. We had a minor disagreement (he was a bit drunk) and it seemed to have blown over. We started having sex, seemed normal and loving, then I found out he actually wasn’t in a good mood and it turned quite aggressive. It hurt and I asked him to stop and he just kept going whilst I was crying. I kept going as we had already started, and he hadn’t stopped when I asked, and he looked furious. I was quite bruised the next day, and sore (suspect some minor tearing).

I worked with him and it was an awkward situation. He knew what he’d done. I didn’t talk about it again. In fact other than when I saw a therapist a couple of years ago, and worked through it, I’ve never mentioned it until now.

people think he’s a nice guy, quiet and polite, but I know different and he’s got a big physique (and he’s tall) and I feel quite intimidated by him now. We are no longer together and I left that company as I didn’t want to be anywhere near him.

Absolutely been there myself.
I think this is a massive problem for women these days. We don't want to be like our mothers and grandmothers. We don't want to be virgins until marriage. We've rebelled against the idea of having 1 sexual partner for your entire life. We don't want to be seen as prudes. Victorian times are over.
So we feel the need to put ourselves in situations where sex can be asked, expected or even demanded from us. And none of us have really learned to say no, because saying no would mean we become like our mothers and grandmothers.
We haven't learned to really connect with our bodies and our desires and ask ourselves: is this really what I want to be doing right now?

And the men will play into this situation of course. A woman who says no is seen as a tease, a prude, manipulative. As if sex is a commodity that a woman can freely offer for a man's pleasure, with no bother on her end. And when she chooses not to, she is selfish.

I hope that future generations of women find the balance.
That they feel the freedom to choose to have sex. But the strength to also decide not to.

Yes, when I was younger.... having sex to please men because I wanted to be loked or them tonthonk I was ''cool'' or just because it was expected.... I had low self esteem, a fear of abandonment and hated conflict... I can recall several occasions of giving Oscar winning performances when actually something didn't feel great or I wasn't having a good time.... or giving a tactical BJ to avoid having PIV and then saying I needed to leave... It's only now I'm older I can see how damaging some of these consentual but unwanted encounters were, the self loathing from not speaking up, remaining passive and letting things happen to me.

Came across this today which sums it up so perfectly...
https://www.instagram.com/reel/DDpoKWbqNAL/?igsh=amlwZDhtOXZtZGdn

Absolutely. Just fyi when I clicked on that link it gave me your name (I assume) as having shared it with me. HATE it when IG does that

(I reported it for you just in case)

Yes, if i ever said no to my ex because I was tired or poorly she would have a hissy fit and would start an argument and accuse me of not loving her. So in the end I would just do it anyway to make her happy and not have confrontation.

Yes, i know I’m a man, but it’s important to realise men can have the same issues and women can still be coercive.

Just because there are so many people saying ‘I wouldn’t call it rape’, I just want to make sure we all know that coerced consent is NOT consent.
Please let’s change the narrative so that it becomes really clear that unless consent is freely given then it IS rape.

Sadly yes.
I was in a very low place and had been casually seeing someone intermittently.
He offered to pop round to say hi as he was concerned about me. I showed him around my home and when it got to the bedroom he started doing that thing that blokes sometimes do. Throwing all the innuendo around. He pushed me onto the bed and started to kiss me and I kissed him back.
We then had sex but I just felt empty during the whole thing. Like I wasn't even present, I was just this void of nothing while he did his thing. I must've seemed like a sack of potatoes as I wasn't partaking at all. It was very uncomfortable afterwards.
And when he'd gone he messaged asking if I was ok as clearly I wasn't.
Live and learn. He didn't coerce me or anything, I just didn't really involve my mind or body.
He turned out to be an arse hole who was still married anyway.