Is there anybody out there in the same position?
I have been married for 10years. Together for 20. My husband is 56 and I am 41. We have two children 6 and 10. My husband is the loveliest person and amazing dad. He’s always looked after me and our children. He’s a handsome man.
I have stopped feeling sexually attracted to him for around 5 years now. When we first met, I was attracted to him even though he wasn’t specifically my type to look at. We had a good sex life for a long time. After the children it naturally faded as it does with a lot of couples.
But it’s the last 5 years that I don’t feel sexually attracted to him at all. We have lost all intimacy and live like brother and sister most of the time. We get on great; and bring the kids up well. No toxicity and no arguments.
Last year I met someone else who ignited that fire in me. I selfishly and uncharacteristically had an affair. My husband found out and we separated briefly but we got back together last year. I missed our family life and couldn’t bear to be apart from my kids 50% of the time. I also missed him, but more in a ‘brother/friend’ way. I now make effort to have sex with him as regularly as possible, but it’s a chore and I don’t want too deep down. I just don’t look at him like that. But equally, I know I hurt him so badly before and I can’t bear to be honest about how I’m still feeling.
My affair partner and I are not in touch and haven’t been since I’ve been back. I know it can never work with him but I still fantasise about how it was with him, I miss it so much. I felt I could be open with him sexually like I could never be with my husband. The thought of being that way with my husband makes me feel sick. But I know sex is a very small part to a committed and loving relationship.
I know I have been a selfish and weak woman for what I have done and I’m trying to make up for it as much as I can. I always judged people for affairs, until them feelings happened to me. However, I can’t seem to change how I feel. I want to feel ‘that way’ about my husband again and then everything will be ok, but I just don’t. The way I look at him is not like a lover. We have tried marriage counciling and tried having sex more. Making more effort with affection and spending time together but it doesn’t help. I feel the same for him as I do my male friends. Like there is no difference. What is wrong with me???? I don’t think I’m a horrible person but I do question myself daily. Do I plod along like this forever? I know my husband deserves more :(