"I've not come for 2 years."

[BrushedSuede]

DH told me this yesterday.
We have sex maybe once a month. He's always seemed to take ages to come. Like 20 minutes after I've finished. Yesterday he just kept going. I said I needed the loo, had he finished? He said "no, but that's OK I never do."
After a long chat, turns our he never comes when we have sex. At least not for 2 years. He just carries on until he thinks I've had enough. And then fakes it.
Apparently it doesn't bother him. He says he enjoys sex anyway.
I honestly don't know what to think.
Feel like he obviously does not fancy me.
Is this normal?
Apparently he can come by himself no problem.
When I'm not around.

PS I am 48. He is 54.

Does he watch porn when he comes by himself? If so I would recommend reading about erectile dysfunction due to porn use. Easy to fix.

I don't know. He works from home, I'm out most days. Could be up to all sorts when I'm out.

I can't get it out of my head that he's having an affair during the day.
If it was just pork wanking I could cope.

PS he didn't say what he did to be nasty. He just stated a fact after I kept on at him. He was upset and relieved when he said it.

Porn wanking not pork.

I get where you’re coming from - because I see what you mean about you not being bothered about a porn wank. BUT you would be amazed how many men can’t come from normal sex due to wanking to porn. And the minute they realise that’s why - it’s quite a simple process to get things working normally again.

Thank you that is reassuring.

Porn would be something of a relief compared to what my mind is imagining

Excuse the directness but tell him you’ve read that what’s known as the “death grip” used when wanking, particularly if done without lube, really desensitises the penis making it almost impossible to cum from penetrative sex. It’s really common and delayed ejaculation from wanking is a big subject on reddit if he wants to read about it there. Has he always worked from home or is that just since Covid? The freedom to have a cheeky wank during the day so to speak might have led to a change in habits! Try to be understanding and supportive if he wants to sort it out. If he doesn’t then you can be as mean as you like 🤣

Thanks. I have no idea how often or even if he masterbates. It's not something we've ever talked about. I will try to broach the subject subtly.
I hope it is this simple

PS "death grip!?"

Called that because for some men the only thing that will get them to finish is grip their penis really hard, because of desensitisation.
Porn can be a real issue. For me, after too much use since covid, I'm less sensitive and I have struggled to stop. If he needs information, the web site "your brain on porn", gathers a lot of science on how it changes the viewer.

I genuinely thought you meant pork, and wondered what it was!?

Thank you. Did things get better?

Yes by the way, it got worse when he started wfh after covid. I was wfh but am now in office part time. He is still full-time wfh.

He also seems very socially withdrawn now, and hardly meets anyone out of work except two old friends.

Have you tried edging?
when we were trying for a baby I’d edge DH during the day.
meant I was grantee a load at night when we did the deed

sex was even better & he really got turned on after a bit of edging

Well thanks for the ideas. Seems like we need a conversation about masturbating during the day when I'm not here.
It's good to know it might not be down to him not fancying me anymore, but something like too much walking.

Basically it's his problem.

Not walking. You get the idea bloody autocorrect.

Walking would be a good alternative!

It’s good that he’s finally told you but now you need to have a further conversation about it.

Firstly, is it crucial to either of you that he cums? For a long time, DP had this issue but reassured me that he still found sex enjoyable. We focused on the journey, not the destination.

The danger is that you’ll become insecure and think he doesn’t fancy you. Of course, that’s not the case but you’re already thinking that. You need to tell him how it makes you feel.

A conversation about masturbation is definitely needed. It might be a case of the infamous death grip or that he is regularly using porn. DP and I noticed that he could cum much easier when we were away on holiday because he wasn’t watching porn or wanking in between having sex with me.

These days DP still masturbates to porn but is a lot more mindful of how it affects him so he does it much less. He also stops masturbating a couple of days before he sees me to ensure that he’s “ready to go”’

It’s not an insurmountable problem and can be solved but you need to have an open, non-judgmental conversation. Don’t “blame” him or accuse him of being a porn addict. Just talk about the reasons why he might have delayed ejaculation.

Sounds like he's also depressed with him not socialising. Try getting out & about together..been stuck at home could well be part of the problem. Is sex a routine same thing every time? Spice it up for both of you, incorporate toys into the bedroom (or anywhere in the house) give him a helping hand see how that goes. Good luck.