We never have sex

[Wils0106]

I've been with my husband for 11yrs, married 6yrs, and we have a 4yr old.

Every night our daughter is put to bed, we then make our dinner and eat together on the sofa. As soon as his plate is put down he's straight to sleep on the sofa. I go to bed every night by myself. Sometimes he'll come to bed in the middle of the night, sometimes not. I think the last time we had sex was 2 or even 3months ago. I've tried waking him to get him to come to bed but he either doesn't wake at all or he sits up with his eyes open saying he's coming but just lays back down and goes to sleep. It doesn't matter if he's been at work all day or off all day. He goes straight to sleep regardless. It's really annoying me!

We've jigged our routine around so that we have showers when we get gone from work at 4pm ish, just so we can go to bed earlier in the evening but it hasn't made a difference. We don't have sex in the mornings because our daughter is up at the crack of dawn. We've both said we want 1more baby but I'm not sure how he's expecting this to happen!

I feel like I'm getting bored and feeling really undesired 🙁

Does he have any health issues that could be making him this tired that he falls asleep on the sofa every night and can't be fully woken to come up to bed?
How is the rest of the relationship? Is he sleeping on the sofa to avoid coming to bed because he doesn't want the intimacy of sharing a bed let alone that it may lead to sex?
Have you spoken to him directly about the lack of sex or have you focused any conversations purely on the falling asleep on the sofa?

I've not spoken to him directly about sex but I have spoken a few times about him falling asleep on the sofa every night. He says he can't help it, one minute he's awake and the next he's out like a light. He's definitely not avoiding coming to bed I know that for sure. Last night he came to bed in the middle of the night, but because he's already been asleep on the sofa for hours he then can't get back to sleep when he comes up to bed so he gets annoyed aftrr a while and goes back downstairs and watches tv. Our relationship is perfectly fine otherwise. He's flirty/touchy feely during the day and there's alot of love between us. He just can't control his sleeping habits. I'm wondering if he needs to see a doctor as he snores badly sometimes which gets to a point where it sounds like he stops breathing briefly then he gasps for air then it starts over again

Women need sex in their lives/relationships
tell him !

You've said your relationship is loving and there is flirting and touching, so that's a great start. To me it just sounds like you have a routine, and the routine has gone awry.

So here's a purely practical suggestion! You need to change the routine, by taking matters into your own hands. What about after you put your daughter to bed, instead of cooking dinner you initiate sex with him? You've both had your showers already by the sounds of things! Do you think he might 'respond' if you were to initiate? If there's lots of love between you as you say, I think it'd go well, do you think?

Then afterwards you can chat about your day while prepping dinner together and eating it, but eat it at the table so he can't fall asleep.

Maybe while you're washing up you could tell him you'd be up for a round two in bed rather than TV on the sofa, or would that be a step too far?!

My husband was diagnosed with severe obstructive sleep apnoea, what you are describing sounds exactly like what used to happen with him. I would suggest speaking to your GP and asking for a sleep study. It’s very easily treated with a CPAP machine. It has changed his life so much for the better. Feel free to dm me if you want any more info

As someone else has mentioned, definitely sounds like your Husband has sleep apnea, my father suffers from it and the symptoms you describe points to that.

1 - Feeling tired and falling asleep.
2 - Stopping breathing and gasping for air.

Get him to make a doctors appointment.

I'm the one here who falls asleep by 7.30. As soon as the toddler is asleep I'm gone. There doesn't have to be a medical reason why. Some of us just fall asleep earlier.

You have basically described my ex marriage. 3 kids not one, but that made it even harder. We would eat our dinner late once all the kids were down, which basically meant 9:30/10pm most nights. By the time we'd finished I was wasted and would often fall asleep on the weekend on the sofa.
I would feel guilty coming up to bed at 2am sometimes.
There were lots of reasons for the end of our marriage but lack of intimacy in all areas massively contributed, and not just sex. The kids were all consuming and we just forgot how to take care of each others needs.