Difficult situation that I could do with some advice on

[NorthGirrrrl]

Hi all,

Rather than post on the relationships board (where I fear I might be treated badly) I have come here as I know a few of you have endured sexless marriages and some have, or had, a FWB/affair.

Mine is a long story but I’ll try to keep it as short as possible. I need some help as I am not coping emotionally anymore.

I am a 52 year old female who lived in a sexless marriage for many years (my doing). There was a ten year age gap between myself and my husband (him older). I was 21 when we met and had no previous experience with guys - I was a shy, studious type and I guess didn’t get the right experience with males early on. My parents split when I was young and my dad disappeared from my life. My mum never had another man in her life after that. Anyway, married my husband at 25 but - even then - knew he didn’t really do anything for me (iykwim) and I kind of married him because he was a nice person. We were never really affectionate with each other (we didn’t kiss, hold hands, hug) and sex was, well, boring and as passionate as two comatose people. I had always had suspicions that my husband might be gay, or not quite with it in the testosterone stocks. For example, he never used to get properly horny, never looked at women, never talked dirty or anything. His friends were single (and remained single) and all shared a train spotting hobby.

Anyway, we had two children (I really wanted to be a mum) - the second born using IUI fertility treatment. Our sex life was dull and it happened infrequently. He didn’t turn me on at all and his idea of sex was just a quick in and off, roll over and go to sleep. I was much more passionate (inside) but knew that I couldn’t be passionate with him. I believe our secondary infertility (although both of us were given the all clear after tests) was due to sexual incompatibility. The desire just wasn’t there. The marriage continued, as that was the right thing to do, right?

Anyway, we drifted into a sexless marriage when our second child was still a baby (she’s almost 17 now so that’ll tell you how long ago it was). It just didn’t do anything for me and I felt disappointed and let down.

Roll on many years and I hit difficult times in my life. My mum passed. My job became a problem (I became unhappy at work) and I was entering menopause. I think, looking back, I had been peri-menopausal for a few years as there was a definite shift in my moods and feelings. However, I entered a very dramatic sex surge at 45. Ridiculously horny all the time but still couldn’t go near my husband. He never questioned our lack of sex and was happy to live the way we were.

I ventured online. I know it was wrong. I started chatting to men and enjoyed the chit chat and the sex talk. It was an eye opener to me to discover there was an army of passionate, horny men out there. I ‘met’ a man in there after a couple of weeks. A year older than me so we were close in age. 250 miles between us. We got in well, extremely well. We would chat for hours and hours and hours. And, of course he loved dirty talk - and, bring highly responsive to my own crazy testosterone levels at this stage of my life, I did too. I realised this man was extremely passionate and affectionate - something I had craved for so long. However, both of us were married. He insisted he was in a sexless marriage. Similar circumstances. He never wanted to meet and it was him who would end communication between the two of us if it ever got close to us meeting. He would come back. We became really good friends and would get our kicks together. However, for me, it wasn’t enough and I wanted more.

We met. Eventually. He kissed me when we first met and we spent the evening chatting in a country pub. It was very obvious both of us were attracted to each other. We didn’t do anything but did the second time we met. This made me realise a lot about my marriage and I suddenly realised what was wrong. I settled, hormonally, but now craved this passion and desire in my life. OM would end things out of guilt. However, again, he would return. We have met many times now and had the most amazing sex. He is the most passionate and affectionate man I have ever met. I know I am in the wrong but the bottom line is, I’m in love with him. I’m an idiot, I know. He has told me, more than once, he can’t give me what I need as he won’t leave her. As a result, he has tried to keep it a platonic relationship but we end up sexual again after a few weeks. We met again last night. Again, amazing sex and I love being with him. I have tried dating sites to find someone else but it isn’t working for me. OM seems to get horny and unaware of his actions. He likes to talk dirty when he’s horny and there is a definite change in his personality when he’s under the influence of testosterone. However, I enjoy it as he’s super affectionate and passionate when he is like this.

This has been going on 7 years!!! I’m chasing a man who can never be mine. I ended my marriage very early on when this started happening. It is very clear OM won’t. Although he cools it, it doesn’t take long for him to become very chatty/horny again. We had a lovely night last night but it is starting to affect me emotionally as I return home feeling the loneliness (especially now I return to an empty house and bed). This has been an emotional roller coaster for me.

I know this should never have gone this far, and in OM’s defence, he did try to stop it numerous times. He has cut contact a few times. I know his marriage has issues but he won’t do anything about it. We had both stopped chatting online and it became obvious he felt great guilt over his behaviour. We chat about all sorts and he has been a big support to me in other areas of my life.

Any advice?? Please be kind. This had not been my intention from day 1. It happened. I developed feelings. He says he has feelings for me too but clearly not enough! I have not heard from him today - I am guessing guilt has kicked in.

Sorry this is quite long!!

The most obvious answer, altho I concede not necessarily the easiest for you, but is ditch him.

Enjoy being single until you find someone who can give you want you want/need.

Best of luck!

I’m sure I’ve read this on here before. Have you posted about it previously?

Definitely get rid and find someone who can give you what you need. This is going nowhere.

I’m sorry OP, he is clearly just using you to fulfil his sexual urges. Men find it much easier than women to separate sex and emotions.
I’m speaking from experience here, I was in a very similar situation to you and for years I was blind to the truth. Eventually I realised that the bread crumby messages and brief times together were not worth it for me and I stopped seeing him. You probably need to work on your self esteem as you are seeking validation from this man’s attention.

No one should judge you or criticise you for your actions
think of you and you feelings, desire and your happiness
‘only you can know when or if you should leave your husband
or maybe your lover gives you what you need
take your time , look after yourself,

I think this is the problem, he gets sexual urges and I’m the main focus once he’s in this mood although we have built up a good relationship away from the sexual side too. This is probably why I ended up going down this road as we get on well all round. However, what started off as a bit of fun developed into something that has changed my life. It made me realise, most importantly, that there was a massive gap in my life, in my marriage. I couldn’t shake off this feeling once I realised how I felt about someone else. OM has made it clear he can’t give me what I need. He shows caring towards me in a lot of ways but it’s obvious it is going nowhere, I know that.

I know I will struggle to find someone else because I struggle to separate sex and emotions. I could easily get sex but, if it doesn’t come with those feelings of deep passion and desire for someone (in a loving way), then my vagina will shut down! I wish I could just let this go and have fun!

But, I am tired of the breadcrumbs. I know this is all I’m getting and it’s doing me a lot of damage. I deliberately didn’t contact him when I was down here but he knew I was coming as I’d told him weeks ago. He remembered and, of course, started messaging me on my first evening here and ended up coming over to see me (…). I hate it when he leaves. I don’t want to let go of him.

I truly wish I had never got involved with all of this as it highlighted the issues in my marriage and, let’s face it, I was living and enduring a life with no sex, no intimacy and no affection. That wasn’t right either.

However, because of the above, I have been left extremely lonely and that gap that was highlighted now seems a lot bigger. I’m also a lot worse off, financially, as I am paying for everything myself etc.

I really wish I could switch off from this man and I really wish someone available would come into my life and have the same effect on me as he does.

The only way you will be able to move on and be open to a new relationship potentially is to completely cut contact with this man. Tough I know but it's that or continue with the highs then the crashing lows. Love is a bitch 😂

I don't think the situation that you're in at the moment is in your best interests.

Do you think you could force yourself to make yesterday your last time with him? Close that book, and start on a new one? Because unless one night becomes your last night with him, you'll be stuck here for ever!

It must have been wonderful to feel real sexual love after all these years, and to want someone and feel wanted. Affairs must come to an end though, I am afraid.

Good luck.

For what it’s worth, this is an opinion from a male perspective. It might not be his ultimate intention but I think this man is using you. Either way, he can’t make a comment, nor can he brake ties completely, leaving you stuck in an endless cycle that’s clearly not benefiting you. It’s time to stop seeing him and move on.

No judgement here either, I relate to a lot of what you have been going through. Would it help you to consider that you are likely not the only one he is seeing outside of his marriage? You need to break the emotional connection so you can stop the sexual one.

You spent 20 years in a relationship that wasn’t right for you. Now you’re doing the same again. Have you learned nothing?

You don’t need to look for a replacement. You need to be single for a while. To stand on your own two feet and find some self-respect.

You lived for many years without sex and you can do it again because that’s what you are going to have to do for a while so you can become emotionally available to another person. You need to end things then cut contact completely.

if you stay in this situation nothing is ever going to change because you don’t have space emotionally to connect with someone else. That is why no one else you have tried with has ever worked. And he has categorically told you he won’t give you more.

he will never give you what you need and even if his wife chucked him out tomorrow he still won’t (although he will pretend he finally wanted to be with you rather than be alone) because he doesn’t care about you the way you care about him if he really did nothing would stop him being with you.

You deserve someone for whom you are the focus of their life.

You don't know this because you haven't experienced it, but there are other people who will make you feel the way you do with this man, but who are single or who are being honest with their other partners.

Another thought is that the first time he realised things had gone beyond what he was comfortable with, and 'broke things off', it could have been understandable. He didn't know what was going to happen between the two of you.

The second time? Hmm.

After seven years? Obviously every single time when he 'breaks things off', then 'comes back for platonic only', then 'gets carried away', he knows exactly what is going to happen.

He's not going through this pattern again and again out of any respect for his wife or his marriage. If he cared about those things, he could have actually broken it off and stayed away. Not easy when things are passionate, but plenty have people have done it when they decided their marriage/keeping their word/keeping the family together/whatever was more important than the affair.

What he's doing now? That's just a psycho drama that he is acting out for you, again and again. It's about control - his control of when it's on and when it's off, and about power - the power he gets from reminding you each time that he feels bad, but he really needs you, but you will never have what you want from him, etc.

How are you OP? Read your post and really feel for you. I'm experiencing something not entirely different. I hope you're okay. Did you make a decision about whether to continue the relationship with OM?