Climbing the walls

[ThisChirpyCrab]

Bloke here had an average sexlife not many partners, and all very vanilla . Been together with partner 20 years. Over time frequency of sex has dropped as expected I worked out once a week or fortnightly at least would keep me going. But it's been varying over the last few years below that to now less than once a month. With many of the formerly enjoyed and requested things off the menu now and more going, like oral or touching her in places or holding her in ways she used to love. Wife just started some meds that affect sex drive . Now nothing. We still snuggle up in bed but nothing more.
Tried discussing things over the years but just get empty words.

I try and be supportive but I am not the most empathetic person. I just need the release of another person showing some sexual attention and a bit of adventure . She says she loves me and said unprompted one time find something to scratch the itch, if she does not know she would be fine. That feels odd but I am climbing the walls and sex is constantly, uncomfortably and un healthily on my mind as part of my midlife crisis (lol) Advice please

not here

You both need to talk properly. If she says “find something to scratch the itch” does she really mean another person? Even if she does you would need to be very honest with her and also invest in building her self confidence which, middle aged and needing medication, is going to be low. ENM is possible.
Having an affair without getting caught/causing hurt is harder. I’m only getting away with it (so far) and actually straying for that matter, because my OH has a significant brain damage.

Never an easy situation. I think that you have to decide whether it's a deal breaker for you. It should certainly be possible to have a healthy sex life in middle age - the frequency is obviously down to the wishes of the two people involved. If your partner wants to rekindle her desire for a sexual relationship then that's something that you can both work on. If she doesn't and you cannot reconcile that with your own needs then you have some serious thinking to do about your long term relationship.

Sounds very familiar and haven’t found any solution , DW just says she does it when she wants to, in all honesty , after a lot of arguments and attempts to find a cause/ solution, I decide that occasional is better than none at all, people often suggest counselling but it’s not exactly something that’s easy to access unless you go private

What have you done about finding something to scratch an itch (with her blessing)?

Nothing.

So you have all options available to you. What advice do you need?

I’m sorry OP, you’ve not had very helpful advice here and quite nonchalant answers. We all
know in all likeliness the scratching an itch comment was probably said in jest and if OP really did go and scratch an itch then his DW wouldn’t be happy at all. It also doesn’t help the situation long term unless it’s a regular FWB .

OP, the meds are probably decreasing her sex drive, are these permanent meds or just temporary?

Do you contribute the workload around the house? Husbands can often take their wife for granted but doing the washing or cooking a nice romantic meal unprompted really does go a long way.

aside from that, just be sure to communicate, make intimacy fun, take PIV off the table, give each other massages and reaffirm to her how beautiful she is and how sexy you find her.

I also think you need to reassure your DW that you have no plans on scratching the itch with anyone else aside from her; otherwise she is likely to feel insecure and go into her sex shell even more.

good luck!

That's interesting- my interpretation of her comment is absolutely not interested and don't really care if you go elsewhere but leave me alone!

This sounds really tricky. This is the situation I was in with my DH (as in I was your wife in your situation) and I said that I thought he should explore other options and I meant it. We had an issue because he kept saying he didn't want to do that, but then he 'tested the waters' behind my back without communicating about it which was not good.

I have also been in a situation where I was in a virtual relationship with someone who said that their situation was that they had 'implicit consent' from their wife, and it turned out they did not have the same understanding and everyone got hurt.

My advice would be to communicate about this as openly as you can. Be honest about what you value and want from your existing relationship, and explore what she might be comfortable with in terms of you looking for connections outside of your marriage. The Non Escalator Relationship Menu can be really helpful for this, to look at boundaries.

If you can, really focus on listening to her, and try to understand that a) what you would be happy with if you were in her position will not be the same as what she is happy with, and b) the situation will be fluid while you both get used to how it feels.

Some people say go ahead, but never the same person twice, or no overnight stays, or drinks are fine but no dinner. Others might say please try to form something stable so that there's no emotional up and down. Some will say they want to know, others will say don't tell me unless...

There are many different ways this can work, and many where it can go wrong. I firmly believe that the key is honesty and listening. Don't make assumptions.

well I think it's very clear what you should do. She said it herself. Find someone to have sex with, and don't ever mention it to her or let her know about it. Don't feel guilty, just do it, and then you'll be happier all round and also happier with her. She's fine with it so long as she never knows.

So now you need to find someone.

You should set out the criteria and just get someone who fits them. I'd suggest something like:

1. A woman who also only wants a sexual relationship, and isn't going to fall in love with you and want you to leave your family. Ideally it might be someone in a similar situation to you.

1. Someone who you can talk to in a totally open, simple, straightforward way. Say what you want/need and can do. Say what you can't do. And she the same.

1. Someone who is utterly trustworthy.

1. Someone you like and who likes you.

1. Someone genuinely nice.

1. Even lay it out that you'd ideally meet for example twice a week, Mondays and Thursdays, at lunchtime or whatever so your wife will never have the 'oh I'm just having to stay late at work' nonsense to distress her. You need to fit this into your schedule in a way which will be totally invisible. And you should just stick to max. 1 hour twice a week, imo.

So where are you going to find this person? Well, best place is probably online. You should give yourself a nickname that is not recognisable, and maybe go on one of the sites for people looking for a discreet friend - there are a few sites like that.

Or just start looking around when you are out and about and see if you meet someone.

Don't feel bad. Your wife clearly understands. Just do it.

Of course you need it, of course you do. You are alive, so live.

⬆️ this. Obviously!

Although I think one hour twice a week is.... unrealistic... unless he's paying!

It's a difficult situation being in a sexless relationship I would openly try and talk to her and also try and make a effort to make her feel special going elsewhere even if she says it's ok doesn't seem like the right thing to do what if that ends your relationship how will you feel?
Ultimately it's something you need to decide if it's worth it