Why do men ONLY want to sleep with me?

[Itsthelittlethingz]

Hi all

I feel extremely unlovable, and so unworthy it literally hurts my heart

I am single and have been for a long time. I don't do online dating as it personally gives me the ick.

I am talking to approximately 5 lads and everyone of them just wants to sleep with me and nothing more. It makes me feel that I am so unattractive and not worthy of being loved.

I met with my ex yesterday (we have valid reason to still be in eachother's lives) and we ended up sleeping with each other. Today he text me -

'Im still single, we are getting along well as like mates and I want to do it again (sex) but nothing more is happening.

I know he really wants a long term relationship but obviously I'm not good enough. I feel like asking him what's not good enough about me? But I just say ok, I understand. He tells me he cares about me etc.

I look after myself and my kids, I look after my appearance, I'm a bit curvy size 12, I drive etc, I have a small business and work too.

Then I was talking to someone new. We see eachother occasionally at his work place and smile etc. he added me on Instagram we were talking and then he said - how 'he wants to come to my home and get straight into my bed' when I explained I'm not that easy! He literally told me - he's not interested in seeing me outside his work. As blunt as that. It was like a slap in the face.
Lol I just said ok

Another guy although we are friends he tries it on with me, he just wants sex and is always trying it on with me. We talk everyday nearly. Recently he told me he 'gets just enough of me'

Another one he DM me a picture of me saying 'that's what a real woman looks like' I always ignore him as I know he is after one thing. I noticed he then removed his 'like'

I am wondering if there is something about me am I unattractive or an embarrassment to be loved in the light. My kids who are 7 have literally never seen me loved it hurts so much.

Especially as someone who was abandoned by my parents as a child I'm 32 and I've never been loved.

I wish I could really answer your question but I want to say that you have written a lot of detail. Your post is easy to read and understand. That makes me think that a date with you, where we maybe had a meal and talked could last for ages as you seem like a person who can hold a decent conversation. I did exactly that 22 years ago when I had the first date with my wife. We sat in a restaurant for hours talking and enjoying being together. We did not even kiss on that date. I think you will meet a nice man who values you as a person.

Not got the answer for you but I feel the same too and I am 41, although my partner who I've had for the past 11 years really does love me, I can tell as he actually listens and his actions prove it. But both my ex husband and a couple of other exs all said we have great sex and I am really going to miss it but that's it. It really hurts and makes you question your self worth. As PP said keep looking for the one you click with out of the bedroom, maybe no sex till like date 10.

Firstly, do not believe the narrative going on in your mind about being unattractive. The problem is with them not you.
Secondly, keep your boundaries. Men respect women with boundaries.

Firstly, where are you meeting these men? Do you participate in group activities or sporting activities where you may meet a wider variety of men? Size 12 isn’t really the issue and as others said you seem very articulate and level headed so I am guessing it’s your environment where you meet these chaps.

Just not met the right one yet that’s all. He’ll arrive when you least expect it op. They usually do.

For now, learn to love yourself. Because you clearly don’t, and first and foremost, you deserve your own love and respect

As said already, your writing gives the impression of a clever and intuitive personality.
I am a woman and have been attracted to women like you. (and a curvy 12)😉
Do you write any fiction? You might like to try some descriptive work.
As also said keep your boundaries, keep your standards, play hard to get.

@Itsthelittlethingz I am writing this hoping it will help you, I hope it doesn’t hurt your feelings in the process.

My advice is to raise your standards for yourself. In my experience men are very quick to make a judgement, a valuation of a woman if you like, this valuation affects how they behave towards a woman. So you are single, pleasant figure and looks, early 30s with children. You sound a little too eager to please, a little desperate looking for love. They will take advantage of this.

You need to make it clear you are in the old adage, busy, pretty, happy. Repeat it to yourself, I am busy, I am pretty, I am happy. If men you are just getting to know overstep with talk or hints about sex, you need to make it clear that’s out of the question, a good humoured nice try and move on with a smile. Stop sleeping with your ex. Hold your head up and don’t settle. There are good men out there but they want a girlfriend / partner they can be proud of, keep your standards high. Be patient. And what are you? You are busy, you are pretty, you are happy.

Quick thought about male psychology. When men embark on dating, they carry two categories in their mind: 1) Sex without commitment, 2) Possible long-term relationship. They put a woman in one of those two categories very early on (usually within a few seconds). If you're in a guy's category 1), it's very, very unlikely you will ever make it to 2).

What you're after is guys who genuinely want category 2). The route to 2) very rarely goes through 1) for a guy (unlike most women, as the bonding hormone oxytocin kicks in when you become physical). For most men, if you're a 1) you'll always be a 1). You need to be in category 2) in someone's mind from the start. You need somebody who is even interested in 2).

You sound lovely, a great catch for a guy who wants 2). Make it clear from the start you're not interested in sex until you're in a lasting relationship. And absolutely no to sex with your ex. Have firm boundaries, be clear that a physical relationship isn't an option early on.

As others suggest, get to know people via clubs and societies, church, through friends etc. When you do date somebody, chat, go to concerts and events, get to know somebody over a period of time. Men who want 2) will be happy with this.

It's NOTHING to do with you being unattractive or unlovable. It's that you've been put in category 1) by guys – and you've been hoping 1) will lead to 2) and feeling disappointed when it doesn't. For men, it almost never does! Look for people who are clear from the start that they want category 2).

Playing hard to get and having high standards will make it more likely people recognise you as a 2), and will make you more of a catch. Good luck.