Part 1: My wife has now opened up about her teen years, before she met me…

[thegaragewall]

So she has opened up to me about her previous sex life and I’m totally confused, we’ve been having a few rows over it now and it involves the father of her child…he passed a few years ago after marrying and having kids with his wife…maybe I made the mistake of asking what he was like and how she fell for his charms. I knew about him back in the day as a criminal (yes he was in court and faced robbery charges) I knew him as a “womaniser/player”, he also had a drink problem, but it’s only recently I learned of her “association” with him.

I think the main problem is how he treated her, what he did and I just feel she thinks he was “Gods Gift” and I see it totally different.

I hope I can post here and get other peoples perspectives, I realise all of this took place over 50 years ago…

She was only 17 and he was nearly 8 years older. To say she was innocent and naive would be an understatement. The relationship only lasted about 6 months, yet within the first month she was having sex with him. She was never out in company with his friends and once she started with him, never really went out with her own friends.
When he took her out, usually the cinema or the pub…after the cinema he walked her home, after the pub where she’d been drinking with him, they nearly always went back to his place where he had sex with her, she wasn’t on the pill, he never used a condom or, it would seem…never used the rhythm method (old school I know) …he didn’t always walk her home after, sometimes he just lay on top of the bed and she let herself out and walk home alone.

She really did think he was the bees knees…but there was more to come, me? I see him as a user, an abuser and more…how would you see him?

I’ll post more after this on what came next…thanks for your patience reading this…

He sounds like a crappy, exploitative first boyfriend that she’s well rid of…but he’s dead-so she’s no longer having to deal with him, the father of her child and an important figure during her formative years. It would not be unusual or necessarily wrong for her to look back on her time with him with some rose-tinted glasses.

You’re the reliable bloke she shares her life and is raising a family with.

From bitter experience, the past is best left in the past, what is it that upsets you so much, that she fell for a bad one, had unprotected sex which presumably she went along with, had a kid with him that you clearly know about , that she thought he was wonderful, you need to separate that from presumably 50 years of a good relationship and decide if it’s worth risking that

The past is the past, if cannot get over it - end the relationship

Stop harassing her about her about a relationship she had when she was 17. If you are arguing with her about whether he was a controlling and unpleasant man... be careful you aren't becoming the next controlling and unpleasant man in her life!

Whatever he may have been (predatory creep, controlling, thoughtless, unkind) it's in the past and he's dead and she's with you.

She’s got rose tinted glasses for the chapter in her life, she was going through an amazing time despite him not because of him.

This man from her past sounds like a bastard. Your wife sounds like a fool . . . but aren't we all fools when we fall in love at 17? Leave it in the past and forget about it. Life's too short. Enjoy what you have now. Go and buy your wife some flowers, tell her her past is in the past and nothing she did 50 years ago could change how much you love her. That's all you need to do - there's no need to give us Part 2.

^^ just this.

LP Hartley “The past is a foreign country and they do things differently there”.

What has what she was doing at 17 got to do with anything? You know the man was an idiot (and worse), but why does this impact on you now?

Age 17 she was exploited with the most serious consequences. To be blunt asking her to see it all rationally in the light of his other behaviour is not important. The past is far gone and he is dead so just let it all be.

@thegaragewall I think you should curb your inquisitiveness. Leave her the dignity of keeping it to herself. It was a long time ago. Even she cannot unwind it, it cannot be re-played.
Most of us reading this do not want you to question her.
Just cherish and reassure her.

You're jealous of this man OP . Maybe she still does have feelings for him as the father of her child . There is nothing you can do to stop them . You are letting your feelings get on top of you . You are the one she is with . I would suggest that his name is not mentioned again in your company . He's not a threat to you . He's dead - gone forever.

^^ absolutely this - you are worrying over a dead man who is no threat to you

It's in the past. Leave it there.

It was 50 years ago, it's ancient history and you need to let it go. Golden rule of relationships is never to ask about your partner's sexual past, there's rarely anything you're going to like hearing details of. But since you've opened that Pandora's box here's an possible explanation for you. Have you considered that maybe your wife actually enjoyed the sex, that their arrangement relationship worked for her at the time just as well as it did for him? The only red flag about it is why she was so complacent about contraception. Even 50 years ago the pill was readily available.

I've never asked my dp anything about her past, but she's volunteered the parts that she wanted to. And along similar lines, she got pregnant at 15 to a man in his mid 20's (couldn't exactly hide it as she now has an adult son as evidence). This was the 1990's when it was a badge of honour among teenage girls to have much older 'boyfriends'. They split up before she had the baby and he never met the child.

A few years ago we were discussing about a teenage girl in the news who'd been groomed, and I pointed out to my dp that it wasn't dissimilar to what had happened to her. At the time dp responded rather curtly that she hadn't been groomed because he was her boyfriend. I tried to point out the age difference was a clear imbalance of power in their relationship, nevermind the fact she was below the age of consent. But she was quite adamant that it wasn't grooming. I know the victim never realises it at the time, but I thought she might now, older and wiser and especially as a parent of teenage and adult children. More recently I think she has come to realise that this older boyfriend had behaved inappropriately, and that she was actually groomed into their relationship.

I think accepting that has probably left some mental scarring about her youth though. So the point is, sometimes it's easier for people to try and remember the experience in the positive way they felt at the time than it is to come to terms with being a victim of sexual abuse.

There’s a lot to unpack here. The guy was a dick and she was an impressionable young girl. She was exploring and for her times were exciting. It didn’t go on long enough for her to realise how abusive it would likely get so she has starry eyed memories.

now to the present. She’s opened up to you and therefore trusts you. He’s not on the scene as he’s dead. It may be hurtful that your delightful partner has been used and abused in the past and maybe she can’t see it but it’s just that, the past. It informs who she is today and she’s chosen you and opened up to you. It takes a mature man to swallow his ego but she’s yours and only your future actions will change that. There’s nothing more you need to know so move on and treat let respectfully and stop bringing it up