Something new?

[Shleepymummy]

I’d like to shake things up a bit with my husband and try something new in the bedroom. And by new, I don’t mean anything too wild! We always do the same foreplay, position, done. It’s nice but I feel like we need to mix it up. I’d like to try other positions but I feel awkward when doing it- so maybe that’s an issue?
We have young children so we are tired- just looking for something simple so he doesn’t get bored.
I am not confident AT ALL, find it really hard to initiate, and just feel a bit shit in bed really. So kinda looking for something I could try that’ll make him think that was different-nice! But something realistic that I’ll actually follow through on.

I’ve seen before people post before and comments saying ‘just don’t want graphic info’, ‘this person clearly fake etc’- so I don’t need graphic detail or step by step instructions 🤣 just some ideas I could then work off?
TIA!

I think the best new thing you can introduce into your sex-life, is self-esteem.
Forget about whatever new position, activity or toy you could use. The best way to shake things up, would be for you to let go a little bit. You want your husband not to get bored? Okay, try not to be boring. Get over your insecurities, stop worrying about how you look, whether you're being awkward, lose the inhibitions.

Simple but effective get him to put a pillow under your bottom and this should change to both of your benefits! Or try reverse cowgirl.

@Girlmom35 totally this- i just can’t seem to do it!

Well, other than waiting for self-esteem to magically appear...😉
What attempts have you made to improve yours?

Do it somewhere different (providing your kids can be trusted to stay in bed!)
Shower together first
Sexy undies
Do you ever do oral on him?

Or book a hotel away if you can. Pretend it's a first date and assume different identities. It might well give you a new context and confidence to be a bit different. Even if it doesn't, the change of setting can be fun. If it's voicing things aloud that's the issue, why not ask each other to write down two things you'd like to try? If you can't open your with your husband about something as intimate and close as sex, I'm not sure what else to suggest. In my experience, you might well find out he's thinking by the same and it will be a huge relief for both of you. Good luck!

Sounds like you need to communicate with him. Maybe try buying a book of sexual positions and read it with him asking him if there's any he'd like to try. Or buy some sexy underwear. Watch some porn together. Really there are so many options.

Have a look on Love Honey, lots of things to add a bit of fun there. Do you have any toys? You could go on top and then turn around - is that reverse cow girl? Normally goes down well IME.

There’s an app called spicer - where you can both put in the sorts of things you might fancy trying - from relatively vanilla to the other end of the scale.

you answer if you’d like to try something, and it only shows the ones you both want to do.

it might be an easy way of discussing things, having a laugh about it, and break down the confidence thing.

Thanks all- some really good ideas. I’m guna put on my big girl pants (lol) and try and be a bit more confident in that department. Thinking some nice underwear, initiating, oral on him, and a new position. And guna look at that spicer app. Feel like I need MDMA or something beforehand to give me the confidence 😂 but this is something I really want to change so gota (wo)man up!
why is this so hard?!

As mentioned confidence and enthusiasm are the biggest turn ons

I you want to find a new position Kinky has a comprehensive illustrated list and an easy search function.

blog.kinkly.com/sex-positions/

Start small. Very small.
Try leaving the lights on.
If you usually have sex at night, try in the morning.
Foreplay doesn't need to start in the bedroom and doesn't need to be physical. Whisper sweet nothings to him before supper.

You might consider Orgasmic Meditation. This involves the couple getting into a position that gives the husband good access to stimulate the clitoris, and the clitoris is stimulated for a maximum of 15 minutes. The book "Slow Sex" by Nicole Daedone (2011) gives instructions on this method.

If your DH, generally, sees you as lacking in confidence then if you really can pull on your "big girl pants" then go the whole way and try taking control by making him do things for your (repeated) satisfaction. Not humiliation but perhaps pushing him to go further than normal. For example making him go down on you until you orgasm or, if he already does this, make him stay down their for two pops. Make him give you a full body massage including using his tongue in places he wouldn't normally do.

or

Tell him to be immobile (or tie him down lightly) and you go to town on him - teasing BJ, sit on his face etc etc.

There’s sex board games and dice on love honey etc. If you could get up the confidence to suggest this the pressure is then off you because you’re just doing what the game suggests. Most of these games have different levels or you could take out parts you’re uncomfortable with. Some are a bit cringy but they do make you try things and you can have a laugh with it.

Or aim for one small change each time you have sex. E.g you initiate once (which really doesn’t have to be a big deal - I’ve always found prolonging a kiss until he gets the message enough). Or you try saying a bit more - doesn’t have to be full on dirty talk but just saying when you like something can be a good start. Or ask him if there’s anything he’d like to try. Maybe try having sex in the shower or anywhere different to normal as you’ll naturally be in a different position and can then suggest the same in bed if you like it.

I wasn’t very confident in the bedroom with my ex but post divorce I am. Being with new partners reset things for me and it’s lower stakes taking a risk with people you’re not committed to. Not recommending divorce (!) but it is possible to become more confident and it gets easier the more you try. And once you’ve tried something once it can be incorporated into your repertoire and isn’t then awkward. I find it easier to talk about sex after having sex or sometimes by text.

Confidence is the biggest and best thing you can hold in the bedroom me and dh never have the same old positions or routine we have fun with each other test new things we don't use sex toys as that's not our thing but we have a healthy fun sex life even 8 years down the line

Try sending him sexy texts or WhatsApp’s, perhaps telling him you’re playing with yourself because he’s not home, maybe this will lead to a conversation where you can both open up a bit. You could send him photos which are a turn on but not pornographic, something like your bra on the floor, or you reading a book of sex positions. This is of course providing you can trust him to be totally discrete.

As said upthread, do the simple things first, no need for purchases. Do you only do it in the bedroom? Try different rooms!
One of my favourites for a quickie is to bend over the table and drop my jeans.

Undo his zip and start him off in the hall.

Try scissors position on him, like lesbians do, grind yourself against him without him penetrating you until you want him to.

I get what you mean about graphic detail, sometimes it seems the writer does it for their own 'fun'.
Do you both 'sort yourselves out' separately? Asking each other about "when did you last cum" could be simple and a good lead in.
Do you bring yourself off during the day? Tell him.

OP, you acknowledge the problem which is always the road to a solution. Plus you have young children, being tired is not a crime.

Nice underwear on a regular daily basis is, makes you feel good about yourself at the start of each day, and, in my view, better than something particularly raunchy bordering on tacky for the bedroom.

Maybe try the occasional oral only sessions? You have mentioned different positions, with communication you can also change “mid flight” as it were. Do accept though that you need to separate the practical from the plain daft which would probably see you in A&E.

As for toys, probably better for solo use in my view, but can liven up a dull day and keep the body alert, when you are too tired (it happens) to share and entertain.

l suspect (may be wrong l concede), that lack of confidence and finding things hard is because of a mix of female upbringing (when you are taught that “naice” girls don’t, which goes on to develop peer attitudes when in your teens. it’s gets complicated because engrained in you somewhere is the message that it’s wrong!

So rather than pull your big girl pants up, pull them down with pride!

Thanks all for the help.
I can report back it’s been a big fat fail (ha- could almost see it coming). Pre-school children, stressful job and Christmas has meant this sadly got pushed to the back burner. My confidence is at an all time low because I look like I’ve been dragged through a hedge and my husband definitely sees me as Mum/life organiser/room mate.
I tried the spicer app, got him to download it so we could answer the questions, have a laugh, find some new ideas together. He couldn’t have been less interested. He seems
knackered too so even if I jumped on him naked- I don’t think he’d be fussed.
Perhaps a 2025 project….!

If you have time (!) look at the books by Dr Karen Gurney. Her 1st one is called Mind the Gap & she talks about sexual currency which are the little things you do/say to each other in the lead up to sex. She's done a follow up book called How to not let having kids ruin your sex life. She's also been on lots of podcasts talking about this. She gives lots of reassurance & practical advice.