Erectile disfunction

[notmyname1]

My partner has ed hes only 30 and we have been together around 3 years
he has been to the Dr's and can't really say what it is he had low iron which he's taking medication for but other than that they didn't really give us much help
They said the chances of low iron causing it is slim

I am really struggling to not react when It happens, I know I'm going to make the whole situation worse taking it personal but I just have this horrible gut feeling that that it is something to do with me.

He has reassured me it has nothing to do with me and he isn't doing anything that would cause problems but I just feel disgusting

I have gained a little weight lately which isn't helping the way I feel but I just don't know what to do

Does anyone have any advice on how I can believe him when he tells me its not me and if anyone else has been in the same situation have any tips on how to make things better

I really don't want him or me to feel bad about it and I know getting upset isn't helping I have low self-esteem and no self confidence and now this is ruining our relationship

I am older and have ED. I love my wife, it is frustrating when I can't get hard or stay hard but it is my body that is faulty and my wife is still as lovely and sexy and attractive as when we met 20 years ago

I just don't know how to stop feeling like it's me
And what the best things to do to stop him feeling bad
Iv been trying to search up on it for ages and can't seem to figure anything out it could possibly be which I think is why I'm so adamant that it's because of me

I think the problem is that you're making it all about you, which is inevitably going to become a problem in your relationship, if it hasn't already.

You seem to be a very insecure person. Your self-esteem is low. That must be hard for you, but it is a 'you'-problem. Because when your self-esteem is low, no matter how mcuh validation you get from someone else, it will never be enough and it will never bring you to a place where you can let go of your insecurities.

What happens then is, whenever your partner is struggling with something, in the end the 'victim' is you, because his feelings make you insecure. And his feelings, his suffering, is completely disregarded. And that doesn't sound very fair, does it?
Imagine how hard it must be for someone already struggling with ED at a very young age, probably worrying about what this means for him, for his medical situation, his sex life, his relationship. And on top of that, he also has to deal with you making it all about you and how his ED makes you insecure. That's not okay.

Now, I imagine there are many, many explanations for ED which have nothing to do with you. Your self-esteem is so low that these option aren't even being absorbed. And even if it does turn out that his ED has anything at all to do with you, why does that have to be disastrous? Maybe, if you're going to react this way, I can completely understand why your partner would have a hard time admitting to you that the ED does have some other cause, whatever it may be.

You need to deal with your own insecutities and start managing your emotions better, if you want to be in a loving relationship where problems can be discussed openly. His emotions matter too, and you need to be a safe space for him, same as he should be for you.

I totally agree I have 100% owned that is what I'm doing and me doing this is making the whole situation worse

I'm really struggling to get out of that head space of it been it's me

I'm looking for advice and tips from people who may have been in the same situation that I can use to help make him feel better and help the situation So we can then eventually get to the cause

@notmyname1 ED at 30 is very unusual.

The NHS are notoriously bad at checking for Testosterone levels - I'd maybe look at doing that privately, but have you & your partner tried Viagra? It's available over the counter.

Other questions: -
Can he get hard at all? Does he masturbate? Could he have a porn addiction? Might he be (sorry!) "playing away" ?

Consider taking penetration off the table, and just enjoy each others bodies. He has hands & a mouth, & should be willing to use them if his equipment isn't playing ball!

It genuinely won’t be you. Try some viagra or cialis, that will get his confidence back

Agree with half of this statement.

quite frankly, the NHS are zero help when it coems
to ED. Been there, done that, went private.

30 is young, but not unheard of. I was 33 when I had issues. It happens, and it wasn’t anything to do with porn or playing away, both of which are simply not direct causes of ED.

OP- does he get hard when among.
does he have morning wood / night time erections.

it could be physical, it could be psychological, but I can garantee you without hesitation it is NOT you.

Firstly....... Forget The NHS. They are useless at more serious health problems, let alone something like ED. Your man will not get help from your average GP. Go private..... Also, if a Mumsnutter comes along and starts posting about the dreaded "porn death grip" just ignore them.

Absolutely spot on. Thank goodness someone knows what they are talking about!!

Thank you for the replies it has made be feel so much better and the fact he is willing to get help should have been enough to put my mind at rest
I have spoke to him about it more to see what things i do like how react makes it worse and what I can do to maybe make it feel like less of a big deal and can so much of a difference how he is with me
He is getting booked in for more bloods to check testosterone but then if still no help the next step will be private drs

Well done @notmyname1 for keeping the dialogue open about this, between you & your partner.
It's totally understandable that you might think it's related to you, that would cross most of our minds. You've both done well to seek support about this - your partner via the GP and you on here. It's a difficult topic to broach in any setting. He is right to persist with finding a reason as he is young & he is justified in wanting to know how to resolve it.
I agree that the NHS isn't great at investigating ED very deeply, perhaps like a lot of conditions. I think ED can have physical/mechanical reasons but also psychological ones too.
Hopefully the GP has done/will do bloods to rule out the obvious things like low Testosterone, diabetes, heart disease etc. Medications for depression can have an effect too. From a physical/practical perspective, your partner could ask to be referred to a Urologist or ED specialist and both are available in the NHS. A more detailed assessment can then be done & treatments discussed. These vary from the things we know about like Viagra & the newer versions of this like Cialis (which has a longer lasting effect). Other options are available but it depends on what people find acceptable - vacuum tumescence is another, and there are other more invasive treatments too.
Psycho sexual counselling is also offered and this doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with either of you, but it supports the discussions that you might have already had around you feeling to blame & him probably feeling that now he has struggled to get & maintain erections, it can almost become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

If you're on social media, there are a few people that you could follow (on Instagram) as they do discuss ED & they've often talked about it in more detail on podcasts.

They are: Dr Rena Malik, Dr Rachel Rubin & Dr Kelly Casperson- they are all American urologists & specialists in sexual health.

Dr Angela Wright, @spiced pear on Insta. She's a clinical sexologist & covers the psychological & physical aspects of sexual health (possibly more for women).

Dr Karen Gurney is on Insta as The Sex Doctor. She works in the NHS & privately as a Clinical Psychologist that specialises in sex. She's also written a couple of books around sex & desire too. She's also been on lots of podcasts discussing sexual desire & how it works (fascinating to understand).

Finally, @ hello Jenny Keane is a sex educator on Insta. She runs online workshops around desire, orgasms etc & explains how our anatomy & physiology works. (Everyone remains anonymous in these workshops & you don't have cameras on).

Good luck, I hope you both get the support that you need @notmyname1 .

Your partner might consider Kegels exercises. Pelvic floor therapist Michelle Kenway has YouTube videos that cover Kegels exercises. Kegels train the slow twitch muscle fibers in the pelvic floor and penis that are used for erections.