New relationship getting physical, what to do about Tena?

[TempName456]

Long time member here but name changed.

I’m mid 50s, been single and celibate for about 10 years but have very recently started a relationship with a lovely man.

Things are starting to get physical, which is great, but I have urinary incontinence and use Tena pads. How do I manage it when he goes in for a fumble? No one wants to encounter a soggy pad when things are getting steamy!!

Talk....just tell him it's your "body mechanics."
.... and at same time ask him if he has any "body" issues he'd like to declare....we appreciate honesty at our age don't we?

Similar happened to me once. I'm glad she gave me a "heads up" and we had fun for a few months.

Breakup unrelated issue.

(M 50+)

Thanks.
I'm probably over thinking things!

Can’t you just nip the loo and whip it off in advance?

What about using period pants? I think modibodi say you can use for incontinence too, presumably it is the same with other brands. I’d still let him know but they might make you feel more comfortable

I think this is going to be my approach. It's just a matter of getting the timing right!

That's an idea, thanks. I spend a lot on Tenas and I am concerned about the environmental impact so it would make sense to use pants.

I don't think you're over-thinking it. I'm currently single but do also wonder how I communicate stuff like bladder weakness etc to anyone new.... Yes, to be straight-forward but it's not easy is it.

No it’s not easy.
Never mind all the anxieties around being old and a bit saggy, and whether I can get naked in front of him, and whether I can remember what to do!

Sorry to be blunt, don’t mean to be insensitive either, but if you disappear to remove Tena, and if it’s slightly “damp” should you do a quick cleanse of the area too?
I think there’s probably over the counter products for your handbag to help or maybe scented baby wipes?
Ive no experience of such matters so please accept my apology if I’ve overstepped or misunderstood the implications.

You will have to tell him. Difficult to do I would imagine, but it must be done. You'll be fine...

Thanks but I think you’ve missed the point slightly.
I get the feeling that he’s quite at home with normal bodily functions and would find scented wipes as much as a turn off as I would.
(And I haven’t got a handbag….)

@TempName456 Be open be relaxed about it. If he was a 20yr old toy boy there might be more to think about. But older guys should be understanding, would absolutely not be an issue to me and I would be fine with whatever works for you, slipping off before the fun, keeping it on and accepting the wetness, even taking it off for you :)

It's good manners to be clean for your partner and surely you would expect the same. I know it's a bodily matter that you can't help and it's a sensitive subject but if there's urine down there and someone is going down there then you need to clean yourself.

Thank you all; I do understand the concept of genital cleanliness and good manners towards a partner. 😂

Its is clear that some PP don't have any issues with incontinence and are unaware of how deeply unsexy the pads are, and I only use the light/medium ones!
To be honest, this is one of the reasons why I have not particularly pursued dating. I find it all embarassing and a bit distasteful, so I am not particularly confident going into all the details with someone I am still getting to know.
I'd just like to get through first time without it being an issue, hence this thread.

Hi OP, I think for the first time, the best option may be to remove them beforehand or go for the period pants. There are some really lovely period pants around.

When things are starting to get steamy, can't you just say 'give me a couple of minutes, I'm just nipping to the loo, I'll be right back'?

Then you can postpone the conversation a little at least. In the end he will have to know of course but if he's a good man he'll understand surely. Its not exactly uncommon either.

I think this will be the approach I’ll take, and try and keep a sense of humour about it all.

we all have issues as we all get older but yes i would go for the period pants; it is difficult when you first meet someone but if you are going to be intimate you should be able to talk about personal things

Well!
I just need to say, it all went splendidly last night!! I remembered what to do and everything still works. 😄
Haven’t had a direct conversation yet, but I don’t think it will be an issue.

Great to hear OP!

Thanks.

☺️

I've just read this thread and wondered if you'd heard of local oestrogen (usually vagifem/cream/ring). I'd assume that pelvic floor exercises are doing nothing for you but the whole urogenital region is stuffed with oestrogen receptors which can start getting very unhappy when peri hits and one result can be leaks. GPs are not always clued up on this and it's the one bit of the menopause that isn't talked about much. If you're already on HRT you may need this as well. There's a helpful fb group called vaginal atrophy which is full of info too. Glad your sex life has picked up nicely!

I am using vagifem, but have had leakage problems since my kids were born 25+ years ago, so this is a pre-menopause problem.

I really don't know what to do to improve my pelvic floor. I have been making a massive effort to do my exercises religioulsly 3 times a day for a good 4 or 5 months, and really concentrating on doing them properly. However, I saw a consultant a couple of months ago who rated my muscle tone as zero. 😪