Hi
Sorry for the length.
After 2 years thinking of each other as FwB, we had a frank conversation at the weekend about how we were really now in an open relationship.
We see each other average once a fortnight for a weekend as we live miles apart. I've been having occasional ONS. He's recently started seeing someone regularly once a month mid week.
We're going to take some time to think about what we each want and to put boundaries in place.
What is considered normal and reasonable regarding people outside the relationship?
He's already said he's wanting to hear about my ONSs. If possible, he wants to know if it looks like I'm going to be having one that evening. He wants to send me hot messages, so I'm in his head when I'm fucking someone else. He wants all the details after. I'm not sure how I feel about this. I was happy to tell him about some of my ONS adventures at the weekend, as they're in the past, but I'm not sure how comfortable I'd feel telling him they were happening in the moment, and to be receiving messages from him urging me on. I'd be happy telling him about them after.
I'm also struggling with the woman he's been seeing. He's told her lots about me. He's sent me a socials link to her, so reading her profile alone tells me lots about her.
He's shown me their message stream for the last month. There is daily communication between them about their lives, the news, favourite films/articles, funnies on socials etc. The conversations are mostly started by her. There's also a few messages where she gets angry with him because he won't do what she says or meet when she wants. He says no, but she keeps repeating herself and trying to emotionally blackmail him.
I want that woman to be a faceless entity to me, and I to her. I don't want them to have daily chit chat. I want their messaging to be less and more to the point of arranging their hook ups. I also feel her emotion makes her see him as something to him that he's not, and his messages make clear. I'm certain he'll have said it to her face too. She doesn't feel a safe option to me.
I know we're going to have different outlooks on this to each other. But I wish he hadn't already made the other woman so personal and involved. I'm not at all comfortable with it. I'd like him to end things with her, and start something new with someone else after we've decided what rules we're going to have in our relationship.
Is this a reasonable request?
And going forward, how close do you get to other people if you're in an open relationship? Do you discuss every day things with the others? I feel like that the rules are for us to decide where our boundaries are, but I'd like to get a gauge as to what is perceived as normal for a normal open relationship.
Thank you for reading this far.