Dp woke me up for sex

[beehappi]

Dp has just come to bed and started to initiate sex. I pushed his hand away and said 'im tired'. He then started to say 'i'm sexually frustrated. All ive thought about is sex, im frustrated and you push me away, that's when people cheat. Im so frustrated id find anyone attractive' i got up and said 'are you serious?! Im exhausted, it's half term, Ive taken the children somewhere everyday, woke up at 6 every morning with dc (while dp stays in bed) wake up during the night with my dd who's not sleeping very well and you think it's ok to wake me up?! And then think you have a right to be pi**sed off with me for saying no, not tonight. Im so angry! How can he think he's ok to say those things and act that way! Literally questioning our whole relationship from just tonight.

He sounds extremely selfish, maybe if he helped out with the kids and took the pressure off of you and made you feel appreciated and loved then you might have a bit of energy for him, I’ve been in the same boat op and it’s so so draining, does he help at all with the kids and around the house? Also see if you can get this thread moved to the relationship board as you will get a much bigger response.

@Mrsknowitall he does very little of anything within the home and with the children. I said to him, if you did more with the children, take them out, get up with them once in a while so i can have a lie in I would have the time and energy for you and us but he just responded with a very sarcastic grunt. Honestly can't believe how he has reacted.

How is your sex life normally? Is there a pattern here where you are too tired and he lashes out? It’s completely understandable to not want sex as younger dc are so tiring and all consuming, I think when mine were both under 7 we would usually have sex once a month. And that was mainly because my ExH didn’t help with the kids, slept in, would slope off for a facial when I was under siege with the dc - I was too disgusted with him to entertain him being near me! I imagine it’s the bit the same for you too!

@AnonAnonmystery it's exactly the same. We normally have sex 1-2 a month. We had sex 4 days ago so he's not exactly sex deprived. It's a combination of one, im exhausted. Two, i was sleeping. And three, i dont find him attractive anymore, he just irritates me and makes me angry with his lazy ways. But this is not like him at all to react like this.

@beehappi i can relate to this from my time married with my ExH. A way a man treats you can really affect your desire for them. With my dp of 4 years, I would happily have sex every night lol as he actually helps out in the house and with my dc, will build up to it ect like lots of touching and hints during the day and has never woken me up for sex. Your H sounds so out of touch with you. He’s not thinking about how much you are doing with dc and the house, a selfish man and there are so many of them!

Discuss his reaction maybe tomorrow night when dc are in bed? Ask him where all these threats are coming from. Maybe you can have a frank discussion so he can also understand now you tell ( though obviously don’t tell him you no longer find him attractive lol).

If it was the other way around, and he turned you down for sex because he was tired, how would you feel?

No means no. You are not a masturbation machine and his response sounds like unacceptable negotiation.

I’ve had occasions when l’ve said to someone that they can wake me if they wish to, but that is a different scenario and not on a work night.

In contrast to the more appealing posts, there appears to be only one (very unhelpful) male responder to this one! Wonder why.

@beehappi your husband waking you up for sex is irritating and shows a lack of respect for all the heavy lifting you're doing with the kids.

Hus subsequent outburst is ridiculous.

Is he considering straying do you think? .

@AnonAnonmystery haha. Definitely won't tell him that part. We've not spoken a word to each other yet. I honestly don't think he will see anything wrong with his behaviour last night but will try and talk to him later. @Angelofmycoins The way he spoke last night I think he would/is considering it. It's so sad but I'm extremely unhappy in our relationship that if he did cheat i don't think it would hurt me and it would be my get out clause. It pointed out several times that he has never cheated on me but he's sexually frustrated and if i don't give it to him what do i expect him to do.

I’m going to have a wild guess that you are referring to my post being unhelpful….

to be clear, it was merely a question. I wasn’t implying or suggesting anything.

I asked this because If I ever told my ex I was too tired for sex she took it very personally and genuinely wouldn’t speak to me for the next 24 hours. She saw it as a reflection on her that I didn’t find her attractive and made her super insecure. I think a lot of people forget that men can also feel insecure in a similar scenario.

generally speaking, according to the vast majority on MN, if a woman is too tired for sex, the man is not helping enough round the house. If a man doesn’t want sex with his partner then he is cheating or is addicted to porn….

in OP’s scenario, to be more helpful, her OH response was not mature and completely unjustified, and I completely get why she was upset by it. However, it appears this probably isn’t the first time he’s been turned down given they only have sex 1-2 times a month. But of course we don’t know the entire background.

Still unhelpful. Just reversing women and men in any given scenario doesn't work. Men and women are intrinsically different in so many ways. And then there are the statistics - women come off far worse when it comes to male violence, coercion, control.
Really do not care about your sense of perceived injustice when men and women get different responses on sex topics.

Has it all been brought up at counselling at all? I'd be concerned about the wider picture for sure.

@beehappi what are the things that make you deeply happy in your relationship?
If you do want to try and save you marriage, speak to him, make a plan of small changes on both sides it he gives you a few hours children / helps with chores / is patient and I am not sure what you can change in your side as it’s such a personal thing. If he’s really given you the ick and there’s no coming back to it, don’t let it escalate into a car crash with an ow involved and all sorts, just get a divorce.

Completely agree with you, woman do come
off far worse in all the scenarios you mentioned, but that’s not to say the same doesn’t happen to men.

And I really don’t care about your views of my perceived injustice, i’m merely expressing an opinion.

And I’ll repeat what I said in my previous post, OP is clearly unhappy in her marriage, and that may well be down to her DP solely or it could be that they are both at fault. If she has not communicated this, and her OH is unaware of how she is feeling, and she is rejecting him ( sex once a month is not a lot imo and we don’t know how many times she is saying no ) then it’s no wonder he’s feeling insecure.

Go away now

He's clearly not insecure, he's threatening her with cheating. He's an arse.

He sounds vile OP, that's your get out clause. You don't have to wait for him to cheat.

Oh and the answer to the question 'what do you expect him to do' is - have a fucking wank.

If you don't find him attractive anymore, he just irritates you and makes you angry, it's not really surprising if he feels rejected and frustrated.
And if you've got young kids, you should probably think about changing things sooner rather than later, whether that's fixing your relationship together or ending it. The relationships they see modeled will influence the relationships they form as adults.

This!!

He doesn't help at all with the children. He does the bare minimum so i parent for the both of us which is why im to exhausted for sex but he doesn't see that. He thinks he does his fair share and im doing a womans job and his words 'he doesn't want to take any of that away from me because i do a good job' but i have to because im the only one doing it.

I am ashamed to say, that in the past, this has been me. Not quite the same, I didn't threaten to cheat, but I let my frustration at a poor sex life get the better of me and when I look back, I am ashamed of how I acted. She deserved better from me.

While not there now, I went through a long spell (8 years) of being rejected for sex about 90% of the time. I felt unattractive, unwanted and unappreciated. I do a lot around the house, do more than half of the school runs and childcare etc.. and cook, do food shopping too.

I have a high sex drive, and while we used to be compatible, that waned for various reasons.

I think my mistake was that I didn't really try to understand her point of view, to understand why she was rejecting me and took me longer than it should to apprecaite that my approach was far from ideal.

On reflection, it seems obvious now, but at the time I was so upset and frustrated that I didn't act in a way that I would now.

We came through it, I have apologised and worked through a lot of my and her issues and are in a much healthier place.

I am not for a second justifying what he has done, I think it is deplorable, but I simply wanted to say that I have been like it myself in the past and I feel shame for it.

Perhaps having a conversation and open discussion about things may help as it did with me. Make him understand, because sometimes we just don't think enough about the other point of view, only see things from our side, and it results in bad behaviour.