Love sex..just not with husband..

[ChristineMaria]

We’ve been married for thirty years, no sex for the last five. I don’t feel the desire towards him so it’s no problem for me. However, I do often look at other men and fancy them. When I’m in bed I imagine myself getting intimate with them. I’ve never had an affair, not seeking one either. I have felt guilty feeling this way, but how do I deal with this?

Me and hubby get along ok in every other way.

Probably get yourself a bit on the side. I had a friend back in the 90s who had been with her hubby since the year dot and loved him dearly, but had a man who'd see occasionally for a bit of fun. That went on for years.

Her hubby was loving, caring, dependable, but dull. She was pushing 50 then and needed a bit of razzle-dazzle in her life.

There are lots of moral transgressions to think about but, we're all human.

If you do get a bit on the side it will never be uncomplicated. Be prepared for the marriage to end.

Two of my 40something women friends had a bit on the side that they kept secret. One was not getting much from her DH who also had an obsessive hobby. The other was just greedy and liked variety.
It really depends on your personality. Having made the decision most of us could get lost in the moment and give good value to the new man. Could you? But when does conscience start to niggle?

Solution?

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If you love sex bit haven’t had it for 5 years it’s no wonder you’re feeling like you do.

just a couple of questions?

is your husband done with intimacy between you is there anything that has caused this?

If he were to make changes do you think you could rekindle desire for him or are you way past that now?

If your not looking for an affair is sex outside marriage a no. If it is are you seeking a way to deal with the guilt you feel ( I don’t think you should feel guilty)

Something I do. Tantric Massages.

Sex outside marriage doesn't have to be an affair. It doesn't even have to be FWB. It can just be sex. And it's up to you to say whether your comfortable with that.
What's harder for a lot of people is keeping sex and romance separate.

The other thing to consider is that, to some, you're not really married any more. You're housemates and colleagues. You might be OK sticking with that or you might want to be married to someone with whom you can share physical and emotional intimacy. The downside is that divorce is usually painful and dating in your 50s(?) Can be a bit crap.

I think its perfectly normal after thirty years of marriage to have fantasies about other people. I wouldn’t worry too much about it, especially if you’ve not had sex in five years.

At this point you really only have three options:

1. Try to rekindle the romance with your husband.
2. Accept the situation as it is.
3. Find sex outside of marriage.

Regarding the first option, ask yourself, what happened to make you lose interest in your husband?
Do you think it would be possible for you to ever feel attracted to him again? Maybe there’s some change you or he could make to rekindle things.

If the answer is no, then that leads onto option 2.
Can you accept the situation as it is for the rest of your life?
Can you be happy never having sex again?
Some people can. Some can’t. There is no shame in either. You just need to be honest with yourself about what your needs are.

If the answer to that is also no, then that only leaves option 3 available to you.
If you do decide to have sex with someone else it doesn't have to be an affair. It can be a FWB or just a casual one-time encounter. It depends entirely on what you are comfortable with.
Do you think that any of the men you have fantasised about would be interested?
Do you think that you would be capable of finding someone online or some other venue for casual sex?
After so long, the biggest danger is most likely not avoiding getting caught but not getting your emotions tangled up so whatever you decide you need to be sure it’s what you want.

I could have written this, OP.

For the last two months I have been dabbling with a friend. He initiated the change in our relationship, and whilst we haven't had full intercourse yet, it is very much planned.

I have absolute mixed feelings about it, this is someone whom I have always admired but never allowed myself to stray from my marriage. I feel like a teenager, but I also feel horrific guilt and never thought I would allow myself to be in this position.

It's not the easy option, and I am planning to leave my marriage (I have been toying with the idea for just over two years now and it has been discussed with H. He knows that we are headed down this path, but after 30 years, it is a really scary prospect.)

Anyway, this is how I am handling it. It is not ideal, nor easy, and takes up a lot of headspace...

We were in a similar mess with our marriage but we both managed to repair it. On the way I did not cheat with a man, but I did have a female lover for about a year. By then we were getting to being Ok and family life was being restored.
Because I wasn't penetrated by a man I was able to manage my conscience. Not all women can do this. But 'food for thought' I suggest.