Guilt and shame after ONS

[AgnesEm]

Name changed as I don’t want to be ID’d.

I was married for 20 yrs to the man I lost my virginity too. During those 20 yrs sex was very regular but one of three things; blowjobs, missionary and doggy. I can count on one hand the amount of orgasms he gave me (and have fingers spare). I found out he was cheating and the marriage ended 3 yrs ago.

this weekend I had sex for the first time since with a work colleague who has been single for a similar length of time. The sex was fantastic, he was attentive and literally made me orgasm more times than my exh. I received oral for the first time and loved it. At the time it was liberating and exciting, but now I can’t stop feeling shameful and full of guilt. This is made worse by the fact he is a junior member of my team.

he has been lovely, lots of nice messages and I think would want a FwB type relationship. However, every time I flash back to things and I feel awful rather than excited. every memory of pleasure is tainted by a negative thought.

I would like to enjoy sex properly but how do I get over the feelings I have now?

any advice from ladies that have been there?

I had to read this post twice op as I thought you were married.
I don’t see what the issue is, you are both single and enjoyed a ONS.
what is it exactly you are feeling guilty about? Is there some info you’ve omitted from the post?

Probably some subconscious conditioned thought about girls being "good girls" and because you've had a good time and enjoyed it when you're not supposed to.

Just a guess!

Sounds fine to me (unless you're his line manager!)

If he wants a FwB relationship with you then technically you didn't have a ONS. You just had sex with him for the first time. The first of potentially many.
That's assuming you'd be willing to have a FwB relationship.

Not sure that helps your feelings of guilt but that's how I'd be compartmentalizing it.

OP, do you think you might be punishing yourself for enjoying something you've never really enjoyed before......sort of "conditioned" yourself to feel you're not meant to enjoy yourself during sex?

Take your time, and grow slowly to love the joy sex can bring between two people.

The past should be left there. xx

OP, would a man have these issues? Answer = no! You rock on girl!

Thanks for the responses… it’s hard to express why I’m feeling so ashamed. I think I do feel guilty about enjoying it so much, and it’s me that has said no to doing it again because of how guilty I feel. I’m not his line manager, but am a higher grade.

maybe I should see him again and see how it goes. Your right about a man not thinking like tjis

It sounds like some therapy might be a good idea?

Did you deliberately marry someone who didn't rock your world physically? I know how that goes. So many years of training not to pursue sexuality, arousal, pleasure. I was brought up on Victorian girl's books in a religious family. Some people seem to manage to find their sexuality anyway in those circumstances, but every time I got aroused there would be something I interpreted as disapproval- a man commenting 'don't you breathe hard' which I took to mean 'too hard', a man's gasp at the sight of my breasts which I assumed was disappointment- I look back and my head was constantly stopping me being in my body and revelling in it.

Now you're grown up, experienced and had a joyous encounter - and he loved it, he can't wait to see you again. Be in the moment!

If you are not exploiting him/making yourself vulnerable professionally just enjoy it! Are you angry with yourself for wasting so much time on something so mediocre?

Can’t see a downside - enjoy!

I posted about similar a couple of months ago, there are some complex feelings that come up around this as your sexual self emerges. A lot of it is about the conditioning we've had throughout our lifetime about our role in sex ("giving" sex, pleasure not really being ours etc).

Try and relax, you deserve to have this, it's a long old time on the planet to go without it

You are definitely feeling something, but my guess is that it isn't guilt. My guess is that deep inside you are feeling regret that you have spent a good part of your life in a sexual desert, because you now have something to use as a yardstick against your previous experience.

I suggest that you simply make the most of what life can offer you in the bedroom and put any feelings of what you may perceive to be guilt in the bin.

Best wishes.

Thanks again for the responses. Some of the guilt is cultural I think. I was bought up to never talk about sex and my marriage was semi-arranged.

Sex is meant to be nice. You are just finding that out.
Personally I think that if you have a lovely guy wanting amazing sex with you then it really would be a terribly pity not to try it a bit more. Because actually that's not so common and if you've found someone you are comfy with, it's really very helpful.

You should just relax and enjoy your body. You are hurting nobody and doing absolutely nothing wrong. Everything right.

We are going for dinner tonight after work, I’m treating myself to some new clothes at lunch. I think it is time I learnt to enjoy intimacy properly. All your comments helped

Like everyone else has said, I think after being in a relationship for as long as you were, the first time you are intimate with another person, I think it is not unreasonable for your mind to try to make sense of it and being able to do it without it being considered cheating etc..

For so many years, it isn't something you would really have considered as you were in a relationship, and now it is, it is re-learning that side of things.

You are now free to see who you like, and it is probably, exciting and scary, and you may be finding you are enjoying things you thought were behind you etc..

Embrace the new you, explore things and have safe fun. It sounds like you have been mistreated, and so enjoy being with someone who enjoys being with you. Don't over think it!

Sounds fabulous. If you're on Instagram, it might be worth following some people on there, like Scotty Unfamous, The Sex Doctor, Ruby Rare, Come Curious. They all occupy different spaces, but what's helpful is to see women normalising (but not to the point of it making you think that anything goes if you don't actually think that!) the type of sex you can be having, the type of relationships, that kink isn't shameful, or even just lust and pursuing your own pleasure for that matter.

And I love that you're getting new clothes and treating yourself - feeling good about yourself and investing in that is awesome, whatever form that takes.

There is a good book called 'Don't hold my head down', which I would recommend. Its about accepting your sexual self etc... if nothing else, i think its a good read.

Yes go for it. Because you bloody well deserve to enjoy life. And as for the cultural aspect that you mentioned earlier: we all have things in our upbringing that we need to stand up to and reject.

@LR42 That book recommendation was really good, definitely resonated with me. I had been an instrument for ex-h pleasure for years.

date with new guy was really lovely, we had a good, honest chat and have agreed to go slowly and enjoy things. The swx is very good, very different, and he suggested I buy toy to help explore myself more.

the orgasm shame is still there a bit, but it gets less each time. I have therefore diagnosed myself and the cure is to have more. Thanks for help and advise lady’s.

Oh I'm delighted you liked it, I thought it was really interesting and helped me try to understand things a little more, as much as a guy can, the female side of things.

So pleased you're able to have that honest dialogue with new man, sounds like a really healthy interaction and hopefully he keeps giving you good sex and you can move away, in time, from orgasmic guilt!