Sex after having a baby

[Mummy9431]

To cut a long story short my second daughter was born 13 weeks ago via forceps.
i Haemorrhaged, lost nearly 4.5 litres of blood and woke in ICU.
with in the week I spent in hospital I had at least 30 people come tell me how serious things were and that once I was home I couldn’t do anything than look after my baby. I wasn’t even allowed to hoover for 8 weeks 🤦‍♀️
literally sooo many stitches, it was two weeks until I could actually walk just abit round the house.

now, my partner is not in any way pushy about sex but it’s in the back of my mind that it been a very long time and it has to happen soon but the thought of it actually makes me wonna be sick. After what happened I don’t ever want anything going up there again and I’ve got no sex drive at all, everytime he touches me I wonna curl up into a shell like a tortoise.
i feel so sorry for him but I honestly don’t see these feelings changing anytime soon.
im still dealing with birth related issues and I’m absolutely exhausted from 2 kids. I just haven’t got that in me atm.

does it get any easier?!

Something similar happened to me, although I didn't lose so much blood. I crawled on hands and knees up the stairs to our bedroom when I got home from the hospital after a week. I crawled for days, in a daze.

It took me just over 2 years to have sex again, and that was with a way younger guy who propositioned me. Not my DH. We split up. And it took me about 3 years to look at what had been done to me.

This is very significant. Please go very easy on yourself. You need time.. xxx

I am so sorry for all that you've been through. I think what you're feeling is totally normal for a start. Being honest it sounds like you have PTSD (rightfully so, I'd actually be surprised if you didn't!). So for that reason I think it might be a good place to start with some therapy. You may need to start working through and processing everything that happened to you before you can even begin to feel comfortable with sex again. Your mind can only handle so much at one time. You're still in the relatively early stages of healing from so much physical trauma as well, sharing your body with your partner after all you've been through just isn't going to be a priority for you right now. May I also suggest a women's health physiotherapist. They are AMAZING at assessing your pelvic floor, episiotomy healing, and generally are just excellent at helping you figure out and get comfortable with the way your body is now. They can give you exercises/advice on making everything more comfortable for you. I really hope you get the support you need. I didn't get it soon enough as I was in the 'everything's absolutely positively fine' kind of manic mindset and kept just saying 'baby's healthy that's all that matters'.. But it's really not. Happy and healthy Mum is so important.

You've gone through so much. Just a stay in ICU on its own is a huge deal. They often do special visits back to ICU for people who had to be there - often people have hallucinations and flashbacks and strange dreams after ICU. And that's only one of the things you're dealing with.

Your partner sounds like he is focused on recovery too. Maybe he was pretty terrified. If you can think about having a conversation about how you're doing, then do, but don't pressure yourself into actually having sex.

@PermanentTemporary
yes it’s not been a great time tbh. After leaving hospital I ended up with PTSD which took me about 2 weeks to finally come round from. My 3 year old was so upset cause I was in such a bad way when I look back now it’s heartbreaking.
she always says to me, no more babies in your tummy please mummy.
I am the kind of people who is a shut up and get on with it haha, my mind set has always been, I can’t change past so what’s point moaning about it.
I think I just needed to have abit of a moan tho cause I know at some point we’ll have to have sex and once it’s done I’ll feel loads better that all the worry is over.
im still waiting on an appointment with the hospital to go over everything that happening and why I ended up in ICU.
I don’t know how much good it’s going to do but we’ll see.
im nearly 14 weeks PP and haven’t stopped bleeding yet (you’d think I’d lost enough blood giving birth haha).
after loosing 4.5 litres of blood and two blood transfusions later, I don’t think I’ve any of my own blood left in me haha

@Mummy9431
The "debrief" with hospital staff involved in your care can be a turning point for many mums who've been through similar experiences to you. My best advice is to prepare some questions now, write them down, and take them with you. Take a trusted friend/relative with you for support if you feel you need to, that's totally your choice.

Fwiw, from what you've said so far, a good thorough debrief will go a long way to helping you make sense of both what happened to you, and what's next.

I wish you well.

Funny enough, I’ve had a phone call today from the hospital to book in the birth debrief appointment. Hopefully that should answer come questions