Age difference insecurity

[ThisBlueViewer]

Hey everyone I'm new here so please be nice. Over the last few months I [F41] have been having a casual relationship with a younger man. He's only 25 and we met through a mutual friend. As a single mum the attention I'm getting from him is definitely welcome but I can't help but feel a bit conflicted. Id definitely find it off if I was a man seeing a woman who was so much younger. I would find a guy like that pretty creepy. And even though I know he is enjoying himself I can't help but feel I'm being a creep for sleeping with him. What do you guys think any feedback is welcome

Having been in his position, I'd say it's nothing to worry about. As a woman, you have that advantage so you might as well enjoy it while it lasts. Which it probably won't.

Been there know how you feel but it’s a mutual thing maybe he feels the same?

Like previous poster said enjoy dressing up and pleasing him/you whilst it lasts xx

PS young men have so much more go lol

What’s the harm?!?!

if you have not seen the movie (Prime and Netflix?) . Watch it - Will not dissapoint.

idea of you

The reason large age differences can be creepy is usually when there is a power gradient and the sense that the the younger (usually woman) wouldn’t choose to sleep with the older (usually guy) if all else was equal.

It doesn’t sound like that is the case here and it is a healthy mutually beneficial arrangement.

I like this answer. It touches on the weird entitlement that -everyone who is not in an age-gap relationship- thinks they have to judge two consenting adults.

There is, you are so right, a history of older guys with money effectively 'buying' younger women with the security etc. that they offer. She wouldn't be naturally attracted to him but will put up with him because he pays for everything and will not be unfaithful to her and will feel super lucky to have her.

Even in that dynamic, though, she's made a choice. I personally really could not be with a guy who I didn't find attractive just because he pays for stuff. I would not. I think that in many young woman - older guy relationships there is a care/attraction thing that works. It isn't just about money, it makes her feel good.

As for the OP's dilemma of older women - younger guy.

I have experience.

Do an experiment, like I did: put some nice recent photos on hinge/bumble/whatever mainstream site. Set your age range 20-50. In my case, this results in 85% under 25s being super nice to me.

This isn't about money. This is a genuine compatibility. OK, so right now I can't have a full-on life relationship (I had that, no comment). But I do want someone to enjoy the woman I am. And omg these guys relatively fresh on the scene so do.

It all started because one approached me in rl, I was horrified and said are you insane, but eventually said yes. Then I understood.

There is so much prejudice about this, and women are yes totally made to feel as if it is unnatural and predatory. I have never in my life approached a younger guy. They do everything to charm me. Seduce, groom, me. Because they know I will worry and won't ever imagine they would want me. Because as women we are just so deluged with these images everywhere of how we should, in particular, look.

Women live, just like men, if we are lucky. They live, they feel, their bodies become etched with the life they lead. We are pregnant, we give birth. Who knows what is done to us for the baby to be got out. Who knows what we might go through night after night. Who knows. But if at 40 plus a 20-something guy says wow. Please. You are amazing. You don't even realise who you are. And wants to respect and be close to us and make us happy then ........

why not?

Don't feel bad. 25 omg he's been a man several years by now. `Nothing matters but the feeling between the two of you.

People are comfortable with so many variants of sexuality, and there is a lot of talk about it being absolutely fine to be yourself. But I think judgementalism around older woman-younger guy is shockingly entrenched.

Just be happy, no you are doing nothing wrong, you are not predatory, you are humble, and if they guy likes you and you him, hey.

When I was a 19 year old lodger, my attractive landlady who was about 35 offered sex on a plate. While it would have been enjoyable, I felt continual pressure to say yes and for that reason I backed off. I moved out a few weeks later. This happened again with my driving instructor a couple of years later. I changed to a male instructor after she decided to touch me intimately during driving lessons. Again, I am sure had I decided to proceed to sex with her I would have some memories. Both these situations were imbalanced.

When I was 25 I met a 43 year old divorced woman. We were neighbours and she lived alone. Here it was different and despite having had girlfriends my own age, I decided to enter into a relationship with her without any preconceptions. It was kind, loving, unpressured and totally unjudgmental. She knew that it may not last forever, but we went with the flow and after an abusive relationship, she found something different. It was one relationship I look back on now with a lot of fondness and positivity. The sex was truly amazing and our bodies worked together very well. We spent days together, weekends away, laughed and had fun, but I always knew our time together may be limited. Sex was a big part of that relationship, a very loving part, and I know we gave to each other more than we took. It can work, but you need to be clear about what you want in life. Is it just sex and someone to physically hold and connect with through intimacy from time to time, or do you want to build a long term relationship? Both are achievable and there is no real age gap if the emotional ages are close.

The reason my relationship with the 43 year old ended was due to different life goals. Her three children were the same age or only slightly younger than me. I knew that someday I wanted the traditional life with a woman where we could make our own family and build our home together. She perhaps knew that and wanted more permanency, so we probably subconsciously nudged each other away in the end. But the sex and intimacy was divine.

Great post @valentinka31

ok, Fescue, you understand everything. It's so nice to hear a guy who gets it, thank you for posting that and sharing your experiences. I too was in a super abusive relationship, which included sex in the sphere of difficulty. And I thought that was it forever, I would just be a hermit. But a way younger guy saw this and decided to kind of rescue me and bring me back out into the sunshine. Similarly to your situation with your neighbour, this could only ever have been a temporary thing, as he too of course needs to go on and live his life and have the traditional set-up that I also had. But still. You described so perfectly the dynamic and the pleasure.

Yes, I did find it hard to let go! But I didn't bother him with that. I just cried for about 8 months but honestly the tears have almost gone now. Almost 😉 Until I read what you've written above, and now my eyes are a tiny bit wet.

@valentinka31 My biggest regret was perhaps not telling her enough how much joy she gave me, especially when we parted and shortly afterwards. I certainly think your man will not have forgotten you, nor those little times and memories you created. As you do your life thing, he is doing his. For both of you, occasionally a few moments will be taken even now to think back. That is the same for any successful relationship that has been discontinued, regardless of age gap. Good tears are good tears after all.

I've had a number of relationships with older people. I look back at all of them with fondness. They were never going anywhere long term. But the need for love and intimacy was satisfied and enjoyed for those brief moments in time.

Thank you, yes, you are right, and about the good tears. It is also a path of understanding in a wider context, that we have to treasure a good era, and accept its passing out of our direct moments, but still remaining with us.

I imagine that partly your reticence on saying how much she meant to you was because when having to bring it to a close, it would have felt more difficult had you made this clear. Harder for both of you to go. But if it is anything like what I experienced, then you are now tatooed into her forever anyhow, and will always somewhere deep down inform her view of herself and her expectations from a man, in a very good way.

What is interesting is that people are so prescriptive about others' relationships - they are scathing about older woman/younger man, and yet that is the only relationship I've ever had where everything felt like it should do. So I've decided now to follow my heart and not pay any attention to what anyone else thinks : )

Yes you are right. It would have been difficult to close. Sometimes we push people away, even reluctantly. Words cannot add anything else, at that time.

If the decision has been made and has to be stuck to, then the only thing is to accept and forget. Well, forget enough that you can have someone else, because if you stay bonded then you won't be able to see anyone else.

Unbonding is a painful process and can take so long. I think I might have to start another thread on the best way to unbond! I don't agree with the spend months 'getting over it'. I think better to drown in a sea of others until you like one enough to come up for air.

(Guy's perspective here) Not at all!

I've only ever dated circa 40s since I was 22-23. I'm now 32 and still wouldn't change age groups! It's really nice to be able to chat to someone with life experience and stories to tell (as well as typically amazing sex!).

He'll feel the same I'm sure. Don't worry!

M.

that’s so good to hear