DH always pestering

[Mumraaa4two]

My DH has always had a high sex drive but lately, whether it’s to do with the stresses of parenting or maybe becoming perimenopausal mine has drastically declined. He pesters me every single day and when I do give in, he’ll pester me again later that day too. If I decline his mood towards me instantly changes and I feel guilty but I just can’t/don’t want to all the time. I’m constantly shattered from being the main carer for our child with additional needs and I’ve had numerous gynae issues and cancer scares making it very uncomfortable/not enjoyable. If I confront him about it, it just becomes an argument which makes me feel like I no longer bring much to the relationship. Anyone in the same boat?

Not acceptable at all. I'd repost this in relationships, you'll get support and advice there

He shouldn't be constantly pestering, but to want sex is only natural too.
Is he aware of all your issues that are preventing you? If so he should be more understanding.
Sitting on the fence though, I can understand his sexual frustrations even though it's through no fault of your own.
I hope you can work something out.

Hi Op

Unfortunately, is sounds like a DH problem not your problem. It sounds like you are having sex but the fact that when you do agree (which could be interpreted as breaking you down) he then wants sex again that day is concerning.

I believe the average sex for a couple is around 4 times a month from the NATSAL-4 (Median number of occasions of sex in the past month was four)
Can I hazard a guess that you are more active than this? I know when I became A little bit moany. I realised that I was not doing as bad as I thought and from on MN that a sulky man child is highly unattractive and leads to less sex.

I would say that it can be improved. For us what started out initially about sex ended up in an improved life and relationship for us both and dare I say it a better family life for everyone. The question is if both up for change and it does sound like the bulk of that change lies at your husband’s door.

Unfortunately, it takes effort and hard work, and it seems some chaps would rather do nothing than address some of the contributing factors. Fair share of domestic labour , reduced mental load and sex that is pleasurable and enjoyable for both parties (with your gynae issues that PIV is not the main course for now)

Obviously if you don’t want sex then that’s your choice. From your post I don’t read that you don’t you just want to want the sex you’re having which is reasonable.

Some books that helped me a were:
Mind the gap Karen Gurney
Mating in captivity Esther Perel
This is how your marrige ends Mattew Fray
Fair Play Eve Rodsky
Come as you are Emily Nagoski

No advice OP but I’m ina similar situation and just sending my solidarity. The pestering just kills any desire I do have at any other time. And the moping when I say no… sometimes it’s easier to just give in and then he complains he doesn’t enjoy it as much when I don’t enjoy it. Well maybe give me an evening off once in a while?
On the other hand it must be hard to have the desire and not the release. But life is so exhausting I don’t know how we’re expected to do this on top of it all.

First off, please stop the feeling guilty or feeling like you're not bringing much to the relationship! You're entering into a new stage of your life - peri hit me hard too.

The fact you're feeling these things though makes me think you've still got affection for him and the relationship, and you do think of his feelings as well as your own. But the way you describe him and his actions makes me wonder if we can say the same about him.

You'll need to sit him down and talk to him because he needs to understand your situation, and he needs to understand that you're interpreting his advances negatively (as pestering). The childish mood changes and arguing when you bring it up need to stop too - huge turn offs right there.

If he can stop those things, plus help you more so you're not tired all the the time, that's how he makes himself attractive to you again. It might not mean actual piv sex is on the table (since you've said it can be painful to you) but other physical intimacy could be which would make him feel wanted and happy.

You don't owe him sex.
If he gets frustrated from not having enough sex - to his own standards - then that's his problem. Not yours.
Stop feeling guilty. You're not his property. You don't exist for his pleasure.
I'm sure many women would agree with me. His behaviour would be reason enough to leave him. It's unacceptable.

You done have to have sex if you don't want to if your struggling because your not matched for the same sex drive then you need to chat to him if you have these reasons to not want sex but feel forced then don't accept it me I'm 37 and dh is 40 and been together nearly 8 years and we both want sex often if one of us didn't I certainly feel we would be talking about it

Completely agree you don't owe anything and you shouldn't feel pestered.

However - As much as this will be an unpopular reply, its fact. Guys with a high libido need sex. I'm sorry to say if you dont address this it will continue to effect your relationship - or worst. He'll hide his feels, repress them - and end up finding other ways to meet his needs. Sounds harsh - but sorry its the truth.

You may need to look at alternatives