Mixed messages

[16degrees]

Have name changed for obvious reasons.
mine and my wife’s sex life has slowed down hugely over the last few years. I have a big sex drive and she now doesn’t but when we first met hers was massive. She says she fancies me but she’s just too tired and life getting in the way especially with kids and she doesn’t want to have sex when they are in the house as they are now older etc (they rarely go out aswell or have sleep overs at friends especially at the same time) I’ve told my wife a few times that it’s a problem for me and I can’t be in a sexless marriage and I’ll be honest it actually upsets me because part of me wonders if she actually fancies me anymore and if I’m the problem. I’m in good shape and take care of myself but she’s recently started going to the gym and being abit more flirty and touching me but whenever I try to take it further it’s an abrupt no. She’s even mentioned that teachers at the kids schools are good looking or other dads etc.
The sex is so infrequent that I’ve even started to think about sex with other people.
I just want to be happy again in the bedroom and part of me thinks maybe opening up our relationship would work but I think she would go mental if I suggested it and would probably divorce me.

How old are you both?

It’s hard to guess but I think she doesn’t see you like that anymore. If you can’t live in a sexless marriage you need to act now and don’t leave it too late.

I’m late 30’s and she’s early 40’s.
Ive thought this for some time but when I’ve asked she insists she does.

Sounds like she's not into you anymore. It's no reason to cheat. If you can't sort it then split up.

How often do you have sex and how much do you want? I can understand not wanting it every single day as you start getting older, that's just a hormonal thing that she can't help. And it can be normal for it to take a dip when there's kids and life things that take up a lot of energy. It could well be she doesn't want you sexually anymore but I think it's more likely somewhere in the middle.

Ideally once a week but we probably have sex once every two months. When we first lived together it was probably 2/3 times a week

@16degrees - can you not arrange for an overnight childminder? Book a hotel, and go away for a night. Expensive, yes, but if nothing else, it will give you time to talk about what's going on. Don't blame anyone, just talk, and most importantly, listen.

And if things go well, you might re-invigorate your sex life!

I think you need to put your foot down.
You didn't sign up for a sexless marriage, and you shouldn't settle for one either.
That doesn't mean she has to do it just to please you. But seeing a sex therapist together would be a good first step towards figuring out why she has no libido at the moment. Because this isn't normal either.

If she is absolutely unwilling, you can give her a choice. Either open up the marriage so you can fulfill your needs some other way, or get a divorce.

I think it sounds like a her problem. More than her not fancying you, it sounds like she is trying to better herself- maybe she isn't feeling sexy herself??
Please don't see opening up your marriage or cheating as the only solutions. Maybe you should organise a weekend away together and really open up communications. There could potentially be something she is embarrassed or ashamed about that she hasn't mentioned. Or like others have said, maybe her sex drive isn't great, or maybe she needs more from you. It would be nice to have the answers from her directly though

Wishing you all the luck!