Passionless, emotionless, sexless marriage.

[ao965]

I am at my wits end now in my marriage. Been married to my wife for 13 years and we have 2 kids. I love my wife but I’m also starting to resent her a little (probably more than a little) for just putting so little effort into our relationship ever since the kids were born. We’ve drifted further and further apart and we’ve tried to address it through counselling but in my opinion, she’s never really tried any harder. I’m always the one planning date nights, trying to initiate more closeness without sex and trying to get her to open up a little more, even just have conversations about anything and everything. If ever I do manage to get her to talk honestly about us, and that is a struggle because she hates serious conversations and she pushes back harshly on me wanting to talk about us, she tells me she loves me and wants to be married but has zero sex drive at all. I have started to accept this, though I admit it’s not easy, as I do have a sex drive but putting the sex to one side, I don’t feel at all loved, desired or even respected sometimes. She has started treatment for perimenopause and this seems to have given her some energy and zest back but there has been no improvement in her libido in 18 months.

For a long time I’ve felt bad about how I looked and I wondered if that was as also a cause and over the last year I’ve worked hard on my body. I exercise a lot and try snd eat healthy and I’ve lost loads of weight. I can honestly say I don’t think I’ve looked like this since we got together 18 years ago but conversely, I don’t think I’ve ever felt less confident about myself or my relationship. Foolishly, I think I hoped that working on my appearance would in turn help her be more affectionate, even passionate towards me, but it hasn’t materialised. She has also worked hard on her appearance and I’ve never fancied her more and it kills me to have no reciprocal attention.

I feel she’s got herself into a situation where her life feels pretty good and comfortable. I work full time, bring in the majority of the money and do well over a fair share of house work and all the admin stuff like bills, insurances, holidays etc…. I’ve started to feel I’m just a convenience now and this has been said to me a few times by people who know us both (though these people are definitely more
my friends than hers).

I really don’t know what else I can do, other than the blindingly obvious now which is to separate but that is such a huge step. It’s daunting, so many unknowns. We have talked about that in the past and financially at least, don’t think she’s really understood the situation. She’ll be keeping a massive house and I’ll be living in a tiny flat to pay for said massive house… I’m not an expert but I don’t think that should be the reality.

so much to say, gone on for a while now! Name changed for the post but probably still put too much detail in there.

Talk to a solicitor about your finances and potential divorce options
there is no reason your wife should keep a huge house and you move into a small flat, , more likely sell the house split tge proceeds and co parent

I am of this opinion but i suspect she has to have it work that way so her parents can live with her in their old age. A nobel cause but I don’t agree I should sacrifice my own living standards and those of my kids when I’m parenting them at my home. A complex and potentially messy situation…..

talk to a solicitor and get the no fault divorce going , her parents have nothing to do with you

Yes, speak to a solicitor. You shouldn't have to live in a tiny flat. You will be co-parenting so will need something bigger and it's likely you'll have to sell the bigger house and split to proceeds.

It sounds like your wife is comfortable in the marriage in terms of finances and material things but she isn't interested in you at all in a sexual way. You don't have to live like this.

reassuring that people agree I shouldn’t be consigned to a tiny flat. I’d say she’s not interested in me period, not just sexually. There’s very little warmth, barely passes as friendship anymore and yet all I think I’ve ever done is bust a gut in our marriage and our lives. Frustrating, sad, angry. Feeling lots of things right now. I’ll be arranging to see a solicitor asap, I’ve been on the brink of it before but foolishly thought it wasn’t that bad…. Stupid me it was actually worse than I thought!

It definitely sounds like you need to move on. You don’t deserve to be treated like that.

I read the below and as a frustrated married man, I can totally go along with everything said here...

Most of the time, you complain that your husband’s demand for sex is too frequent. You feel his crave for sex is similar to his need for food and you can’t help but wonder if sex is the only thing he thinks about.

Men and women in the areas of sex are wired differently. With these variations in mind, all you need to do is to know how men see sex and understand how to relate with your own man. Sex is one thing husbands would ask more of.

Almost all husbands wish their wives can step up their sexual abilities and give them more at “bed time”. Your husband’s case is not different. Ask him and you will be surprised he is likely to be among the 92% of men who say they want more of sex.

– Sex of yesterday is for yesterday. While you are still enjoying the fulfillment of yesterday’s sex, your “lover boy” is already thinking of how to get another one. Remember, every man has a sex drive that is stronger than the average woman.

– A man’s sex drive is one of his strongest drives. You need to know that only a few things matter to a man than his sex life and the sex drive is stronger than any other “drive” in his body. This is the reason nothing really matters to most men whenever they want sex.

– Every man wants his wife to be romantic and involved in bed. No man will love to have a “bedroom failure” as a wife. No matter how religious they are, they want romantic, exciting and tantalizing wives.

– He needs routine sexual gratification the same way his wife needs routine acts of love, care and kindness. Just as you want him to be kind to you; he also wants you to be available in bed at least 2 or 3 times a week.

Crises arise when the wife wants the act of kindness before sex and the man wants sexual gratification before an act of kindness. My word for you wife is; break the cycle. Give him sex, and see if he won’t show you more love and care.