Husband looking for help to understand his wife’s perimenopause and attitude towards sex

[Acesup6995]

Sorry if this question sounds creepy coming from a guy but my wife’s attitude towards our sex life which she attributes to being perimenopausal is absolutely destroying me inside. I’m really trying not to be insensitive and want to be supportive but what she is telling me just doesn’t make sense or sound true I’m really hoping other women can tell me of what she is saying is true and what I can do to save our sex life and marriage.

my wife is 45. We have been married 10 years. I love her and think she is the hottest woman alive. She has always been fairly sexually inhibited, in fact she really only likes intercourse has always claimed she doesn’t like any form of foreplay just wants to get right to it. I hated that but could live with it cause I love her. for years she very much wanted sex with me and enjoyed it. She initiated sex as often as I did and claimed she orgasmed regularly and never faked it with me,

But for several years now her libido has been decreasing dramatically. She claims she is perimenopausal. I believe her but the weird thing is she refuses to get the blood text the doctor recommended to measure her hormones and actually get diagnosed.

I understand that perimenopause reduces hormones which reduces sex drive in women. I get the science. But her attitude is that her being perimenopausal is just a death sentence for our sex life. She says it just is what it is she doesn’t like having sex with me at all anymore and never will again and this happens to all women and there is no point asking her doctor about HRT or anything else because doctors can’t do anything to help a woman whose perimenopausal so why bother trying.

It’s that attitude that is hurting and insulting me and that just doesn’t make sense. Not that peri has reduced her sex drive, I get that. But that she doesn’t care about our sex life or kiss it enough to even lift a finger to try to fight to save it, that really hurts. Like why doesn’t she care or it’s it enough to even try. That makes me feel like she never really cared and was just using me to have kids. Like why wouldn’t you want to have a sex life with your husband, how could she be happy with absolutely nothing and not even care enough to fight to save it even a little. Am I wrong for finding that attitude insulting. I feel like if she at least tried HRT or tried something even if it didn’t help much just seeing hey change her attitude and make the effort would mean so much to me. I tried to tell her that and it ended in a huge fight and her saying she doesn’t think she needs to change at all and if I don’t like it she doesn’t care I can just leave.

i am not trying to pressure her but our sex life is almost entirely dead and I can’t live the rest of my life never knowing what it feels like to be able to turn my wife on and give her an orgasm. I need those things. I don’t get why she wouldn’t want those things too.

And it doesn’t make sense to me her argument that all women lose their interest in sex in their 40s and nothing can be done about it. That sounds like BS. Plenty of women over 45 still like sex. Plenty of women have gone through menopause and still like sex. You can’t tell me that perimenopause is a death sentence that never gets better and there is nothing any doctor can do that will help her so she shouldn’t even bother trying. That feels more like she’s using perimenopause as a get out of jail free card for something she never wanted to do than as an obstacle she is disappointed about too and wants to try to overcome as a couple.

She refuses to go to sex therapy or let me do anything different in bed to find things to make it enjoyable for her again. Sometimes she tells me she does still orgasm sometimes she tells me she doesn’t and she’s just doing it to take care of my needs and just wants it over with. Again that attitude really hurts.

Have other women who have gone through peri have any advice, is there anything that helps she can try or ask her doctor about. Does it get better on its own if I’m just patient. I’m willing to wait it out and be supportive if it will get better someday. But if she won’t make any effort to try anything and I don’t make any effort so I don’t put pressure on her, how is the problem ever supposed to fix itself. How will it ever get better if we don’t do something actively to make it better.

Am I just doomed. Should I be hopeless. Is my wife right there is nothing any doctor or therapist or anybody else can do to help a woman in menopause regain even a little of her sex drive. Is it really a death sentence for women sex drives and for our sex life and I should just give up on her ever wanting me again. I don’t want to get divorced but I can’t imagine living the rest of my life never knowing what it feels like for my wife to want sex with me ever again and to have no hope of it being anything more to her than a chore she doesn’t enjoy,

please tell me it gets better. I’m trying to be patient and supportive but I need some hope the pain I am in will get better someday.

I understand you are hurt and why. Sounds reasonable. Have you told her what you’ve told us?

Hmm. Well. I think your line 'That sounds like BS' just about says it all.

My experience is completely contradictory. Being in your 40s, your sex drive goes insanely through the roof, and younger guys start looking particularly enticing. I only think about sex nowadays. No joke. Every 5 seconds. ... when a woman has her full-on monthly cycle, it makes you feel like having sex for a week or so, increasing to an overwhelming desire (in my case), but then it drops down, and in the last week before your period it's the last thing really you want. But as hormones level out, you aren't left with no interest in sex - you're left just constantly wanting it quite a lot all the time. That's my experience.

So I think it is BS to blame this on perimenopause.

It sounds like she has never really been into it, and just wanted to 'get it over with' even in the honeymoon period.

Big question here: she wanted sex to get pregnant and have kids, clearly. Are you sure she is actually straight?

Because her reduction of sex to PIV and over and done quickly, and now to zero, seems very suspicious to me.

You can't live like this. I don't think she's going to change. Yes it is dreadfully unfair on you. And her getting cross with you and saying ok just leave then is pretty mean, given how much you sound like you worship her, and want to make this work.

IMO, your choices are brutal, and only 2:

• Stop trying ever to have sex with her. Leave her be. Be a dad at home and nice and polite to her. Stop expecting or trying for ANYTHING. And find a nice lover.
• Force yourself to leave her. Then find a nice woman who likes sex with you. Not just PIV but everything. And loves you.

I suppose there is a very miserable option 3, which is to just lie next to her feeling sad forever, resorting to masturbation with porn when she's not around.

But I think 1 or 2 way preferable. Don't you?

apologies for my constant use of 'nice' above, but it was appropriate : )

My marriage was sexless for years before I hit the menopause years and, like your wife, I'd never really been into it. I didn't like foreplay but then never really felt turned on by my husband. There was a 10 year age gap (him older) and I'd been very naive and inexperienced when I met him at 21. We got on well, but that was it...we got on well. As friends, not lovers. I didn't realise and was stupid enough to let my marriage drift into a sexless one and one that lacked romance and passion. I honestly thought I wasn't interested in sex. I kept myself busy with work and children. And, I won't lie, our sex life deteriorated after our 2nd/last child was born (she's 16 now).

At 45, same age as your wife, I went through a sudden and dramatic change to my life. My periods stopped. No erratic periods for a while, no spotting, nothing. It was like a switch had gone off. I never had a period ever again (I'm 52 now, by the way). I very quickly (after 3 or 4 months) started with a whole barrage of symptoms, which have changed my life. Menopause, in a lot of women, is brutal. There is a lack of support and a lot of men just don't get it.

My symptoms of menopause were unusual. I didn't really get hot, or get hot flushes, like most women do. I did get anxiety and felt very overwhelmed with things. I'd just lost my mum too, which didn't help. My biggest symptom, however, was the sex surge of menopause...that nobody tells you about. I had no idea it existed!! Let's just say, I was crazy about sex! On heat all the time! I still, however, couldn't go near my husband!!! I ended up with someone else! I'm ashamed of what happened and I also did other stupid things - like quit my job/career (although now back in same career) and shut off a lot of friends. It made me do crazy things!!

I settled down a lot, after about 18 months, but I had amazing sex, romance and affection from the other man. I did end my marriage, before anyone says anything! I had had a massive wake up call. I realised that I wasn't attracted to my husband and my sex drive had tanked for years because of this. I was with someone who just didn't do anything for me. He was as passionate as a dead fish! I started to realise and menopause had been the trigger to me taking action. In my opinion, your wife isn't interested in you as a sexual partner. Sounds awful but that's what I'm picking up from this.

You have two options, as someone else has said: stay and seek a FWB type arrangement or divorce. It isn't fair on you to live like this. It sounds like you're nothing more than friends.

Oh, and my sex drive didn't dwindle either! I'm now 7 years post menopause and my sex drive is better than ever before. Although, I'm not on heat like I was at 45! Sadly, the OM and I are just friends now (yes, he is married and I was fed a line or two) but he made me realise I was married to someone who was nothing more than a friend. I am very bitter that I have missed out on a passionate relationship with man. I'm single now and it's sad 😞.

I realised I didn't like foreplay with my husband. I loved it with OM. I had a lot of emotional turmoil thrown upon me!

This woman doesn't care about your happiness any more, and you maybe need to do some digging to find out why, however painful that might be.

Perimenopause / menopause is very individual and the only person who can tell you how it's affecting your wife is her so listen tonher and believe her!

Some women get the sex surge, some women's libido drops off a cliff, some women get it back, some work to get it back and some are happy to see the back of it.

It sounds as if hers has gone and that she isn't missing it and isn't interested in trying to get it back for either for her or the sake of your relationship. It doesn't necessarily mean she didn't enjoy sex before thos stage of her life but it sounds like it wasn't such a big part of her life that she wants to try to get her libido back.

It's time for a big conversation about what your options are (as individuals and as a couple) for how the rest of your lives look and whether that includes sex, together or individually or if it's time to part ways.

You may have to be more blunt about your need to address the issue. I had some similar issues with my wife, and it took me asking her whether we could open up the marriage, as all previous attempts to talk about it just did not seem to register with her. I had no intentions on ever actually going elsewhere, but that was the thing that made her realize how serious an issue this was for me. It really helped, and things greatly improved once we actually started to talk. My feeling that I was finally being heard was a big part of it.

I think you deserve some happiness and if being in a sexless marriage is not it then you have a right to leave.
She is being very unfair in forcing this decision on you without trying to resolve the issues like you've suggested. At the very least she should be trying something not just unilaterally saying that's it for both of you.

My libido dropped a bit this time last year, we were under huge stress, we work full time and all the normal life stuff but I made a promise to myself that I would work at it and my libido is now back and better than ever! I valued my marriage and my husband too much to let all that go when I knew there was stuff I could do

Thank you. You actually seem to get how I’m feeling and why I’m hurt and insulted. It’s her attitude. I wish my wife had your attitude. I understand the impact on hormones and how stress and being tired from life can get in the way. But your attitude that a sexless marriage is unacceptable to you not just for your partner but unacceptable for yourself, that you want more than that so you promised yourself you would make the effort to work at it and not just give up. That’s the attitude and effort I feel like I deserve from her. If she talked to a doctor about HRT or made effort to try and change her attitude and mindset and get into it, just seeing it mean enough to her to fight for it would mean the world to me and even if it didn’t help much I could consider that meeting me in the middle just seeing her make the effort.

Can I ask what you did that helped. She is saying there is nothing that can be done so I’m hoping there is something I can suggest or ask her to try so I’m hoping somebody can tell me what the best thing is to suggest or ask her to try or talk to her doctor about is.

Thanks. I mean I am like 99 percent sure she is straight.

In the more than 10 years we’ve been together she has never expressed even the slightest interest or curiosity in another woman. Even seeing lesbian sex scenes on tv makes her a little uncomfortable. The one time I saw a drunken friend hit on her she seemed genuinely uncomfortable and I stepped in to essentially rescue her from this woman who was getting a little touchy with her. She did not seem at all into it.

She claims she has never ever liked anybody going down on her even before me, like the thought of it she finds gross and self conscious. Sucks for me cause I LOVE going down on women and she always shuts me down when I try. She doesn’t like toys and I’ve tried to introduce them. She doesn’t like me using my fingers. She doesn’t even seem to like kissing except like closed mouth. She says saliva grosses her out and all bodily fluids gross her out just at the thought of them. So I mean if she was bi or lesbian she wouldn’t be into much of anything she could do with another woman so she would be a terrible lesbian. She wasn’t always this uptight when we got together other than the no oral part, that’s always been the case, but the shutting down to the point of no foreplay nothing but penetration part has developed over time as her libido has declined. She used to be totally into having sex with me and initiated it more than me and seemed completely satisfied. God knows I’ve never said no to anything she has wanted in bed so she shouldn’t be unsatisfied.

And the vast majority of the women I was with before her were bi and I got a totally different vibe from them than I got from her.

To be honest what it feels like is her understanding and attitude towards sex almost feels like it was shaped by watching bad porn. Like it feels like she thinks everything other than giving blowjobs and intercourse penetration is gross and weird. I would think she got like conditioned by watching porn to that sort of idiotic male chauvinistic view of what sex is about except she says she has hardly ever seen porn because she literally thought if you searched porn online the FBI would like start a file on you.

Sometimes now I swear she actually fights against me not to have an orgasm like she thinks a woman getting horny and wet and primal and into sex snd cumming is gross or something. And some of the tips and tricks I’ve figured out to make her cum despite her penetration only limits, like how I tend to make her cum better when she’s on top, I swear when she figures out I’m doing something trying to give her pleasure and get her off it almost feels like she stops letting me do that and cuts off that option.

And she’s expressed this attitude that she’s a mom now. I don’t why she would feel that makes her less of a woman or less sensual and sexy. If anything it’s the absolute opposite. She is sexier and more powerful now as a MILF than ever.

I don’t know what her problem is, she blames it on Peri but it feels like a lot of deeper issues. But I don’t think she’s bi or lesbian. I’d almost be more relieved if that was the issue. If she didn’t want any men I could probably take that better than she does want men just not me.

I suspect she's probably asexual, always just wanted sex over as quick as possible, just doing it to keep you happy and probably faked her orgasms. Now she's had enough of pretending she was happy having sex and so sees perimenopause as the perfect excuse not to have to do it any more. Alternatively she is so damaged by the views on sex that she was brought up with that she can't get over the idea that sex is dirty and wrong.

If as she's says it is 'just' perimenopause then she'd probably have to take HRT to help the issue and it doesn't sound like she wants to do that, which is perfectly reasonable.

At the end of the day she's happy how she is no matter what is causing it and doesn't want to do anything to change. She shouldn't have to medicate herself to keep you happy in the bedroom if it is 'just' a case of menopause. But also you are not obliged to stay in a sexless marriage. You can't make her change though just because you want her to.

so why do you think she does want men just not you?

And isn't blow jobs and penetration ok? : ) god I must be v boring : ))

I think this is more common than everyone thinks. I'm pretty sure you are my wife

I also was wondering whether she’s actually straight. I’m a bit younger but similar happened to me. (Turns out I’m not straight.) It’s not uncommon.

Bit late to the conversation, but I really do feel for you because I was in exactly the same situation (am maybe 5 years ahead of you). I could have easily written the majority of your post.

Every woman is different, every menopause is different. The impacts and changes are therefore different in every case. Ultimately it's for the woman to approach and deal with menopause in their own way.

Obviously you can try and help. I spent hours and hours here on MN (hence I've seen your question) and other groups trying to learn more about menopause. I made countless recommendations - I even bought some of them (e.g. courses, supplements - not sex related) that went unused. I tried and tried to make her see the impact it was having on us. And, of course, I tried to approach/seek some form of sexual activity. In the time I was looking, you could see a huge shift in attitude towards menopause happening and there's loads of great resources now (including things to improve libido, which was one of your original questions). But you can't force them to take a certain path, use medication, seek help or want sex.

All that said, and it took me a very long time to realise this, none of that's actually the problem here. It's not age. It's not the menopause. It's not even the lack of sex. The problem is she treats you in a certain way, a way that she thinks is acceptable/justifiable, but you don't. The problem is she doesn't feel you're important enough to want to take on board how you feel or accomodate your feelings/wants/needs. The problem is she's got an idea of where she wants you to be positioned and how she wants your relationship to continue. It's her idea, her terms, her plan, not yours. It's not negotiable.

Like you, I hoped the situation would change, but it didn't. I lived a long time just accepting it, partly in hope, partly in denial, partly because I didn't think there was an alternative. But it made me deeply unhappy. I was looking at other women & other people's relationships, I was contemplating other scenarios, I wasn't enjoying life. All very toxic and unhealthy.

Ultimately, something happened that made me question just how many more years I'm likely to be on this planet. I realised it was likely I could live my entire adult life to date, again. That's when I knew something had to change.

I gave my needs proper thought. I learnt my love languages (it's worth doing if you haven't already - https://5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/love-language) and realised I wasn't going to get those needs met. I realised that I really resented my feelings having zero relevance. I realised I hated being treated like something she'd trodden in if I was anything but useful, out-of-sight or doing what she wanted to do.

So I made a last ditch attempt at making myself heard/relevant/important which, unsurprisingly, failed and I left. I actually found telling my wife relatively easy & it came as a huge relief after such a long time of being made to feel worthless.

It's been a challenge, but I'm now really happy. I'm in a new relationship (which was a total surprise) and feeling loved in a way I never have before. Ironically, she is also going through menopause but has a totally different attitude towards it and the impact on us, and we're doing just fine with it. Like I say, there are so many resources and options available now, menopause doesn't have to be life-limiting and lonely in the way it maybe used to be.

Plenty of people live in sexless, loveless marriages because it's still offers a really safe, easy, comfortable existence that feels better than being alone. But it wasn't for me.

Not sure I've answered your question, but hopefully I've helped make you realise the question you really need to be asking is "Can I make this relationship work on it's new terms?"