To not want to have to avoid one position forever?

[Rizzo8]

Been with boyfriend for a year. Early on we went on a holiday where we were both very relaxed and he frequently gave me a good seeing too in every possible position. I felt very satisfied overall.

Now I can't complain about overall satisfaction (makes sure I get mine first etc) but he has become weird about one position: doggy.

He claims he needs the intimacy of seeing me etc. If we have spooning sex he orgasms fast and doesn't complain.

But for the last month or two, if I want doggy he finds a way to avoid it or flat out won't do it. At first he said the angle was wrong, then last week when I turned over he said 'come back please. You're not a piece of meat for me to pound!'

I was shocked. To me we have a good relationship, but I'm not willing to give up a sexual position that gives me a lot of pleasure compared to others. Any advice?

Well @Fs365 I don't think that's true.

I asked him recently if he prefers to be dominant or submissive. He said he prefers both, so do I.

He loves me being on top (his favourite) so we often start that way.

Whenever I want oral, I always need to ask now. I always give it to him without him having to ask. So it certainly isn't all about me.

Spooning feels very loving and intimate though. Regardless, does it matter? It’s how he feels.

No, probably not.

I can't change how he feels.

Fair enough. Maybe have a chat about it when you’re not having sex?

If you feel you're now not compatible over this and you seriously can't get past it, then you've answered it for yourself.

You may feel it's all intimate and loving, but doesn't mean to say he feels that way about it too!

Relationships are about compromise and it doesn't sound you're willing to do that over just 1 of many many other of sex positions.

I feel bad for your OH.

And you don’t want to compromise about 1 thing that he mentioned, so yeah _ it’s about you really

I feel like I need to make a decision between having a relationship with a sweet good guy and feeling satisfied sexually.

I've really only been properly satisfied this way with casual flings. And a previous ex did try but it wasn't really for him either. Maybe I'm not going to find both.

I know I've already commented, but I feel like you're getting a hard time here OP.

I've seen many, many threads here where the OP has said her partner doesn't want to give her oral sex and she isn't sure if she can live without it.

The responses have treated oral sex like it is important and for many people crucial and something they couldn't spend a lifetime without...

I couldn't care less about oral, but I do know that if I couldn't have doggy style sex I would never feel total sexual satisfaction again. I would be unfulfilled for the rest of my life.

I think people are seeing it as "just a position" and that isn't entirely accurate, at least for me.

He is quite comfortable prioritising what he wants and accepting you performing oral sex, whilst it sounds like he is winding down his efforts to proactively please you as the relationship progresses.

Unfortunately sometimes people pretend to enjoy certain things in the beginning of the relationship and its not very honest because once they feel like they "have you", they reveal their true desires and you have kind of been duped into thinking you are sexually compatible.

Again, I absolutely think everyone has a right to change their mind and not enjoy certain things. But it is strange to me that people are acting like you want to force him into it.
It sounds to me like you went from lightly dominant varied sex, to him wanting to lay there whilst you take charge, perform oral and do all the work on top.

That to me would be a deal breaker.

We all deserve sexually fulfilling lives and whilst compromises exist in every relationship, this seems like you are/would be compromising all the things that bring you the most pleasure whilst he gets to shape things into his perfect situation.

I think this true, but sex is between 2 consenting adults, not a committee, so he has just as much right to change his mind and to what he and does not want to do in bed , even if has previously done so, as the OP has, and should be berated about it

Absolutely.

Guilting, shaming or coercing someone is unacceptable.

It is clearly a compatibility issue. No one should do things they don't feel comfortable with or enjoy.

But I don't think OP has been unreasonable in what she said or deserves people being so harsh. I think it is because PP are minimising things they personally don't deem sexually important.

I understand a lot of the responses but also feel they are not used to a relationship with a very open communication style with sex.
It sounds like there has been a lot of "getting into the position" or offhand comments and I would really push you to talk about it openly.
It might be easier to open the conversation generally about the positions you like, love and acts you are excited by right now. Asking his opinion and then discussing the dominance and doggy you like.
Dominance looks very very different person to person and being clear and honest about what works and doesn't makes it much easier to enjoy. There are loads of guides (happy to share) if you want but having a conversation about it will likely clear up the "I think it has this connotation" "ai think it has this" pretty easily

I totally get where he’s coming from as a guy.

it’s never been my favourite position as a) it isn’t intimate and b) it is usually the position where guys cum much more quickly than other positions. Certainly does for me.

That said, I do still very much enjoy it, usually after a couple of drinks when both partners are super horny and it’s more fucking than loving.

Maybe try having a mirror ready next time so he can see your face whilst he’s behind you, I think this is mega sexy!!

Maybe there’s a reason that he doesn’t want to tell you so he is using that as an excuse. I was once with a lad who told me he loved doing me from behind because he said I have a really hairy bum and hole and it was a massive turn on for him. I was obviously shocked and a bit self conscious because it’s not really an area of my body I ever inspect so I had no idea. But luckily it turned him on but perhaps something like that is happening and he doesn’t like it.

New fear unlocked 🤣

Hahaha. This is also a new fear of mine..

Doggy style does nothing for me, I’m tall a woman and always feel like I’m crouching down and that my arms and legs are too long. Although I’m also in the “no oral sex is a deal breaker” club.

Anyhow. Have you spoken to him about this properly? Not just when you are having sex? I do take on his comments about feeling like he’s just pounding in to you, I feel like this about doggy style too but it’s maybe something that you could talk to him about how he could do it in a way that means he doesn’t feel like that when he’s doing it. We my ex I used to put pillows under myself to make it more comfortable.

The phrase that comes to mind is topping from the bottom.

I agree. I had a Fwb many years ago and it hurt me to go on top because he was so big. And if I said no he made me feel like I was being really unreasonable and kept being rude to me about it. It was very annoying.

Hi sorry missed this post before as been unwell.

Yeah I think both options are possible. Almost that he gave me exactly what I wanted to impress me and was probably never keen - and possibly also idealising me. We've done some fairly kinky things that I don't exactly think would fit with a 'Madonna' image either though.

I think it's this today but what if it's another hang up tomorrow? Tbh I don't feel I could give this up on my early 30s. I'd be giving up a type of sex that I feel I need.

Otherwise the relationship is very good so I'd hate to tank it over this one issue if we can address it. I think I need to try and get to the bottom of what is going on.

I'll have him if you don't want him now 😅 joking of course but ... he was objectivising you a bit before, but now he loves you so much that he feels uncomfortable doing that and it feels wrong to him to dominate you like that. You are a full person who he loves, he can't bring himself to do that.

He's nice. I think you could talk it through with him more but you can't of course force him. He loves you a lot. And he's being honest about that.

but yes I do agree with others that you may well be sexually incompatible. So if he's been hiding this problem and going through with doggy style anyhow, then that would confirm the issue. He can't talk to you. He feels he has to 'work on being more dominant'. No he absolutely doesn't. There is no prescribed way he should be, and if he doesn't feel it he shouldn't do it. Which is the honest point he's come to and now he's told you. And voted with his feet.

I think your instinct is quite dominant (in the sense that you want what you want and he has to do it) - so I too would be wondering if you have the heart and soul to explore this issue with him and potentially compromise, for love. Or if it's too entrenched a difference and you need to take alternative action.