At wits end with sexless marriage

[happygoluckyme2]

Hi everyone. I need to vent and hopefully get some advice on my situation.
I'm 38, married to the only proper sexual partner I've ever had. She is 36 and we've been together for 20 years. I've always been quite adventurous when it comes to sex and have a very high libido but unfortunately she is not interested in sex at all. There's no reason in particular for this. No kids, no past traumas etc. She's just not into it. I've tried allsorts over the years to spice things up, all to no avail. We go through the motions probably once every 4-6 weeks, always the same basic routine, she never initiates and I feel like she just does it to keep me happy. Everything else in our relationship is fine though so I'd never want this to be a deal breaker. She knows I get frustrated but I never argue about it with her. You can't make someone do something they don't like.

There's so much that I'd be open to trying, and it frustrates me so much knowing that I'll probably never get to experience anything other than what I already get. I'm fed up of having to sort myself out most of the time, this is becoming an almost multiple times a day occurrence!

It's got to the point where my eyes are starting to wander. I do enjoy female attention, in fact sometimes I crave it. Is that a bad thing? I've not acted on any of this though but sometimes the temptation is real.

What would you recommend someone in my situation does? Do I have a valid point for feeling the way I do, or am I just a horny middle aged man who needs to get a grip?!

it will never get any better, separate now,
no kids, nothing to lose, just split and find some new

Sorry to say but I agree. To young to carry on like this but at least do sit and have an honest conversation as to why this is the direction of travel. Be wary of of giving in to promises it will improve because it won’t for long

This is quite sad and frustrating. You are young and have already spent 2 decades without satisfying intimacy. It is already a deal breaker and is unlikely to change, unless there is serious motivation to from her end.
Has the sex deteriorated over the years? You were teens when you got together, so it is natural for people to change and drift away. Perhaps try relationship counselling to talk through things and possibly reach an outcome regarding the future of your relationship. Neither of you seem happy, so you will probably be better off without each other.

As others have stated time to make your mind up. 20 years is a very long time in your situation.

Time to split.

Good luck OP

OP, has it always been like this, if not, when did it start to decline?

do you kiss, touch each other and basically do other things aside from PIV?

do you satisfy her sexually when you are intimate? If you don’t, then it’s only natural for her to get bored and not crave more.

lots on here will ask if you help around the house and do your chores but tbh, I don’t think this comes into it when you are so young and there is no desire her end.

Have you properly talked to her and told her how you feel? You might only have a wandering eye now; but it is very likely that wandering eye will turn into something more and quite frankly I don’t think anyone would blame you.

Was not always like this, although she has always been very vanilla. Yes we do everything else too. She does like hugs and kisses. In public, we'd look like a loved up couple. She likes to feel loved, but does not need sex to feel that.
I always go the extra mile to make her feel good during sex. For example, I will spend ages going down on her. She does climax (or at least appears to!) but then it's like the fire has been put out and she's good for the next 6 weeks. Wheras my fire is always burning and never goes out.

Yes I like to think of myself as a good husband. I do my fair share of the chores and jobs around the house lol.

I've tried talking to her about how I feel but she's very blasé about everything and doesn't think it's an issue.

It sounds like she doesn't find you attractive.

I would suggest you both read Come as you are by Emily Nagoski and do a lot of talking. Try to work out if anything is making her feel disconnected from her sexuality or if anything might help her to feel more sexual. Maybe you can work together to close the gap between your libido and hers.

Also.... stop having sex with someone who you know is only doing it to keep you happy / is doing something she doesn't like... that is not going to make her feel loved / safe / respected and she will end up resenting you.

I think she does, she always tells me she loves me and says I'm handsome.
I don't think I'm the problem as she has no interest elsewhere either. She'd never watch porn or masturbate for example.

Just because she doesn't have any interest elsewhere doesn't mean she's also just not that into you. She doesn't fancy you mate, sorry.

Lots of women don't use porn because you can't know which women are trafficked or strongly coerced and made to do it. You're not sounding great tbh not even willing to contemplate that you could be the issue and talking about porn.

She is the only who knows why things are as they are and she isnt telling because she doesn't want the marriage to end.

so you have to make that call

@happygoluckyme2 Been there (although my xw & I were in our 50's), done that, got the T-shirt.

Ask yourself this - can I spend the next 50 years of my life in a sexless marriage? I suspect the answer will be a resounding no...

I'd start by having an open and honest conversation with your partner. Ask questions, and listen...

Try to find out what is is about sex she doesn't like / want.

Work on compromising with her to find a solution, but if it looks impossible, ask if she would consider an open marriage (but it has to work both ways), or other solutions (like you finding casual partners).

If there seems no way out, I'm afraid the only solution is to do what we did, and split...

Not sure how much OP is helping around the house given that they are "sorting themself out several times a day"...This may be part of the issue?

So you're insinuating I'm a lazy arse who lies in bed wanking all day? Well that's not me. I'm a hard working professional and do more than my fair share around the house (not that I see how that is relevant anyway to my post).

'she does climax (or at least appears to)'

This is very revealing.

It suggests that
a) she might be faking, and
b) you're not certain or confident if she is orgasming.

After so much time together, you should know for. sure if she is or isn't having an orgasm, surely?

Perhaps this is at the heart of it.

I don't think you're middle aged yet 😂

and I also think it is super sad not to be able to have that complete connection and all round relationship. This is more like a close friendship than a full partner. I think that although you say you wouldn't want this to be a deal breaker, it kind of is. You do realise there are women who would be happy to join you several times a day, and would worship your maleness and ... too? And be as happily enthusiastic and explorative as you?

It won't change with your partner. So your choices are:

• put up with it and pretend it doesn't matter
• have someone on the side - very risky and not good
• finish it and find someone else

That's it really. Life with no sexual love and I don't know if the no kids is also part of the package and/or if you might want them.

You are a lap dog. A comfort partner. Can you live like that forever?