HELP!

[B9r0kre]

Heyaa,

Just want to vent and get it off my chest more than anything. Me and my husband have been together for 4 years, and have a 3 year old. Now, he made it clear that he'd never go down on me as he believes it's dirty etc, which fair enough! Everyone has their preferences and boundaries, and I was happy to compromise to an extent. We spoke about foreplay and how I think its the most important bit of sex, and I'll never finish without it. In 4 years, hes never used his fingers, and rubbed me maybe once ir twice to "get me off". Year to year, the sex is getting worse. It's predictable and I feel so tireeed of bringing up the same issues over and over, and him saying I'm never happy or "it's better than nothing" is the response I got the other week. I might sound petty, but we've only done it 7 times this year, and each time with NO foreplay unless its me going down on him, and then he just wants to get straight in. No kissing, no passion, nothing. It's really disheartening and makes me feel really unwanted or desired recently. Masturbation is a funny issue because he's against it and it goes against his beliefs. So, that's also not for discussion for him and I can't openly say I'm doing it as he'll have an issue🫣 I've tried lingerie and matching sets, or even walking naked infront of him and he doesn't even flinch. I asked him if he felt down, or wanted to share anything that was maybe on his mind. I've asked him directly if his libido is low or if he's finding it hard to want sex - He said No and he's fine and started laughing. Today, I said "There isn't a point in me taking the pill and suffering the side effects if we aren't going to actively have sex" and he said "stop taking it then". And i felt shut down and ignored. I've lost 6 stone in the last year, and feel the best I've EVER felt. Just don't understand why he doesn't want me.
How the hell do i go about this ? Am I being petty or unreasonable?

Has the sex always been like this? Sorry, this all sounds very hard on you as he seems so rigid ( no pun) in what’s right and wrong in sex. Is he religious at all as you say he doesn’t approve of masturbation, which also sounds quite controlling in terms of you not being able to say you masturbate? Like what’s a wife meant to do when the sex on offer is so poor?

Foreplay has always been an issue, and he just never listens. He's a muslim! The sex has just gradually got worse, the lack of it, and when we do actually do it, its like he's half arsed and finished in a few seconds and says "better than nothing" if I get frustrated or upset.

He’s got an awfully arrogant and uncaring attitude. He doesn’t sound like he’s going to change or that there is room for discussion but I think it’s good you’ve taken the step to vent and try and get support. I really sympathise with how you are feeling - you want the things that come with a loving relationship and sex is a big part of that. I’ve been together with my dp for 4 years and we are in our 40’s - we still have really passionate sex and I’m guessing you are a lot younger than me and wasting the prime years of your life sexually frustrated and feeling unloved.

@AnonAnonmystery I'm 25, and often think "is this how it's going to be... if it's this bad now, what's to come?" I feel better already just getting it all off my chest ! Don't even know what to do going forward. Thankyou for taking the time to answer 🥰

It sounds like he not attracted to you. He doesn't want to touch you.

@B9r0kre I was once in a sexless and loveless relationship so I can relate. It’s hard to see a way out when you have a small child. But remember nothing is ever permanent. At some point you will have enough and start making steps to leave the relationship. I am glad you feel a bit better and you are so young! And well done for all the weight loss - that takes some strength! Keep on doing things for you that make you feel good 😊 x

Do not waste your time with someone who so blatantly does not even try to make you happy! He sounds lazy and selfish in ways I doubt are confined to sex.

There is a fundamental deep routed problem, whether that be he is not that keen on sex or his upbringing. However, I have never been with a partner that probably the biggest part of sex wasn't initial touching through clothes and progressing on. In fact if we were having sex, I would guess the majority of it would be foreplay, whether touching including massage through to full oral sex which we both just love and always take the time to pleasure each other.

It really doesn't sound recoverable without potentially sex therapy counselling?

I've had a few muslim partners myself and I do think this is largely a cultural/religious issue.
Of course everyone's different. But a lot of muslim men are raised to believe that sex is a sin in itself, and especially women shouldn't enjoy it. Because a women who enjoys sex becomes promiscuous.
Like I said, everyone's different, and I've known muslim men who took on a very different view to sex. But those are rare in my experience.
On top of that, many muslim cultures are male dominated cultures where women exist to serve their husband, please their husband, follow their husbands rules etc. If he was raised with those traditional values and he believes in them, you're never going to convince him that your pleasure matters too.

I also have to wonder whether this sexual problem isn't part of a bigger problem in the relationship, where your happiness just isn't as important as his.
Do you really want to live like this?

@Girlmom35 Your reply literally feels like its me typing it. It really does hit home, and I've definitely got a lot to think about going forward. Really appreciate your reply and understanding! You're right, if it stems from religious beliefs then there isn't ever going to be a compromise on this or my needs. But the thought of leaving him over sex doesn't sit right with me... but again, the thought of living like this for the rest of my life outweighs that thought x

Thanks to everyone who's replied and helped. I feel heard and that my feelings are actually validated ! X

@B9r0kre Of course your feelings are valid!

You are in a sexless relationship. Been there, done that, got the T shirt. I put up with it for 10 years before I'd had enough, and decided to do something about it, and I was mid 50's when we split.

You are less than half my age - you have a (hopefully) long life ahead of you.

This is NOT just about sex - sex in a relationship (whilst can just be for sex's sake) should be a reflection of your love or each other.

Do you want to spend the rest of it with this man that cares nothing about you or your pleasure?

Get out. Get out now. Find someone that cares, or stay and take a lover. and accept that things won't change.

Sending virtual hugs.

Just a thought, and feel free to ignore, but if he's religious, have you considered that he might be gay, but is trying to comply with what he thinks is expected of him?

It's not just about sex though, is it? It's about intimacy and care. In a normal healthy relationship, both partners care about meeting the needs of the other. They actively try to ensure their partner is happy and fulfilled. Physical intimacy is an absolutely essential component of a loving relationship.

It's sounds like your DH has been raised to think that his wife is there to serve him and that his desires take priority over hers. I think it's very hard to change that cultural mindset, even if he were willing to engage in counselling.

Is there other intimacy in your marriage? Does he hold your hand, stroke your hair, cuddle you on the sofa, pay you compliments? Or are you just friends and companions?

I'd stop having sex with him. It's not "better than nothing" at all. Feeling obliged to have unenjoyable perfunctory sex with a partner is a surefire way to destroy your confidence and self esteem. And the resentment from that will just grow over time. You're still very young and have a lifetime ahead of you.

Tell him that you are not prepared to have sex where he gets to experience pleasure but you don't. That your body is not there to service his needs only. That women's bodies were built for pleasure too. That he should be touching you in a way that feels good to you.

If he's unwilling or unable to understand those very simple concepts, I think you have to either accept that this is your life or make plans to end the marriage.

@tanjaav Noo, I honestly don't believe he's gay at all

This.
My first thought was- has he got a wife & child to “straighten his tie” as the saying goes.

@PinotPony That's a good idea, and think it'd benefit me more stopping having sex with him all together. It can't be a one sided thing anymore, and I'll be putting my foot down. He'll kiss me goodbye/hello when he gets in, and when he does hug me... it's like a friend hug? I just feel sooo awkward recently and I never did before. But when I speak to him about this, its always "I wouldn't be here if I didn't love you and want to be with you" and that answer is a cop out. Reading everyones comments and advice, I realise I'm not being loved in the way I WANT to be loved but in the way he "wants" to love me which isn't good enough.

Just a thought.. but does he actually know what to do? Could it be that he's very inexperienced and has no clue how to touch you in a pleasurable way? He could be embarrassed to admit that.

You might want to have a conversation where you spell out exactly what you need from him. Rather than just saying "I need foreplay" which is incredibly vague. "She Comes First" is a very good book for men who are a bit clueless about female anatomy and pleasure.

@PinotPony He's had numerous sexual relationships before hand, and honestly... at the beginning showed me loads of new positions that I'd have never dreamed of doing 🫣 I've spoken to him about implementing toys etc to help me finish (laughed and said I've been talking to my friends too much) and I explained what exactly I like to get aroused... where and what I like, and he just doesn't take it on board. I get embarrassed to bring it up anymore because he just shuts me down and says I'm causing problems or that I'm never happy. I'll look into the book! Thankyou

This reminds me of one of my best friends, who happens to be a muslim and married a muslim man.
He'd had sexual encounters before her, but she hadn't. And at first she was so happy that he was able to teach her things, and seemed willing to explore.

But after a while she started telling him what she liked and what worked best for her. And his reply was: well, this other thing worked best for other women. So you're probably wrong, and the way I'm doing it is the right way. I'm going to keep doing it this way, because you don't know what you're talking about.

And that's when she realised that sex was just about him. Even when he was doing things to supposedly please her, it was more about his ego than it was ever about her pleasure. Because even when she explicitly said she liked or disliked something, he didn't care. As long as he could tell himself that he was great in bed.

I absolutely agree that you should stop having sex with him. And in the overall relationship dynamics, I can only advise you to start setting more boundaries and putting yourself first. Stop waiting for him to do that, he won't.
You can't tell him what to do. But you can make his actions have consequences. You won't give me an orgasm? Fine, then I won't have sex with you. You don't believe in masturbation? Fine, don't masturbate. I will, and there's nothing you can do to stop me.
Your relationship probably won't last very long once you start standing up for yourself. But do you really want to be in a relationship that only functions when your needs don't count?

He sounds despicable, he has no respect for you at all and I can't believe he loves you. You have tried very hard and he just rejects you. Your child will sense that there is an unhappy atmosphere in the home, children are very sensitive to this sort of thing. Quite honestly, I know it sounds like a huge step, but if you can manage without him financially, I would leave him. The bloke's a cruel, inconsiderate arsehole.

Are you Muslim too? I only ask as the fallout of a Muslim woman leaving her husband may have serious consequences if not planned for

No, I am not Muslim. The last thing I would want to do is oversimplify what I'm sure is a very difficult situation for you. I simply couldn't help writing what I did, having read your story and hearing how, shamefully, another man is treating his wife. Whatever your faith, in the UK in this day and age, there is no excuse for that behaviour. I suppose also , I was thinking that by saying what I did, you may realise that your thoughts and feelings about this wretched situation are not wrong, you are not at fault.

Hi @B9r0kre I am from a Muslim background too, and what you write was my experience in marriage. Sex was done to me… I had no prior experience and exh clearly had expectations that I should be grateful for whatever I get. No oral or fingers to please me, ever. He stopped making moves and then I found out he was being unfaithful.

I am slowly learning to enjoy sex with someone new now

life is too short for his bs