In a monogamous relationship following nonmonogamy, need advice please

[FormerSwinger]

Weighed up asking this in relationships, but hoped I'd get a less hoiky knickers response here...!

When DP and I met, we were in an open relationship. Over time they admitted they were uncomfortable with me seeing anyone else, and said they hadn't met up with anyone else in the time we'd been seeing one another. We agreed it wouldn't work, then circumstances changed (I'm being deliberately vague here) and I agreed to a "usual" relationship with them. I have had monogamous relationships in the past btw, I'm happy with it. It just came about due to complicated circumstances.

Over time they have met my family, my DC (teens), and some of my friends (some however they feel massively uncomfortable with, knowing that we used to swing as a group). For a long while I didn't see that group of friends, however I now see them - purely socially - and DP doesn't.

DP lives in a different town, however cause they work from home, can spend a good chunk of time with me. But nearly a year in, they keep me off their social media, and I have not been to their town with them, never mind met friends. I have met their parents - once, at my house.

Now I am positive I'm not the other woman, as I said they spend a lot of time here. My only assumption is that they keep me off social media/away from friends to allow for "groupies" (for want of a better term) to believe they are single. Tbh I'm beginning to feel like I am compartmentalised- like they go home and live an entire separate life that I'm not a part of.

But given I wanted an open relationship in the first place, I don't understand why the secrecy. It would be beneficial for me too if they wanted extracurriculars! I've been feeling left out at times when friends meet up without me, not because of the sex, but because part of my social life has been cut off. I could deal with that, if I didn't also feel cut off from DP when he's at home.

Wondered if anyone here could share some opinions? I know I sound like I want to have my cake and eat it, or like I want my open life over my life with DP (and hence why I chose to post here over relationships for this) - but I just want to either be all in, or open. Not this weird middle-place that I feel like I'm in right now. Iysiwm?

Might take me a while to reply, but I'll be back asap.

Do tou think your partner might be seeing others?

I don't think this is an open vs closed relationship problem.
It's a relationship problem.
From what you've written, he hasn't included you in his life at all. Even in an open relationship (I've been in them before), that wouldn't sit well with me. Any kind of relationship entails becoming involved in each others' lives.

I don't think you're the OW per se, I do know that even given the opportunity to have an open relationship, some would say no and they cheat anyway. Because some people get their kicks from secrecy and lies, which they wouldn't have in an open relationship. And sometimes people do want to sleep around, but don't want their partner to have that same freedom.

Have you had a conversation with him about where he sees this relationship going? What are his ideas on a relationship? How does he see it developing? When does he think is a good time to introduce you to his social circle?

I'm in dubio over your friend group though. In a monogamous relationship I can absolutely make sense of him not wanting you to spend a bunch of time with people you've had sex with. That would make most men uncomfortable. I do agree that if he's uncomfortable with it, he does need to make more of an effort to include you in his life.
Can't you just tell him that directly?

I don't think so, but there's no way I'd know.

They're in another town, we have no friends in common, and social media - both work and personal - is all set to private.

If i had to make a guess, I'd say there's either someone in the friend group that they have their eye on, or they are capitalising on promotional work events and hooking up there. I have no reason to think this apart from the distance I'm kept at.

Either that or I'm just a placeholder til someone better comes along 🤷🏼‍♀️ neither of which is great tbh

He says he wants the full shebang, but rarely talks about the future. Neither do I though to be fair.

I haven't asked directly when he plans to introduce me. Any time I vaguely ask about going back with him he brushes it off. I know it needs a proper conversation, but it'll have to wait for now as he's at home

Is there a possibility that he’s concerned that some of his social media followers may have been involved with you previously on an intimate level as you were involved with swinging etc?

I guess it's possible, but very unlikely. There's a fair distance between the two towns.

No, sound’s like HE’S having his cake and eating it, tbh! Asking you for a level of commitment he’s not prepared to match.
sounds like time for a tricky conversation…

So I've broached some of it over the phone. Apparently it hadn't occurred to him that I'd want to visit him at home or meet his friends, but I'm welcome to go with him any time. Still a bit vague, but an improvement on things as they were.

The social media stuff I'm gonna mention in person though, when I can drop it nonchalantly into conversation.

Does he post other friends on SM?

I'm currently in an open relationship. Last time it came up a few months ago, he's not slept with anyone else in the time we've been together. He doesn't post any photos on SM, so I'm not bothered about that. It took a good 2 years before I was introduced to friends, even though I'd regularly stayed at his house throughout those 2 years.

What a weird outlook to think you didn't want to go to his town or meet his friends. Even if you didn't want to meet them or go back, surely the polite thing to do is ask you rather than assume.

He's definitely been on fb as he shared a public post. But his reasoning for not adding me is that he doesn't use it, so I'm a bit at that