Wife's wild past

[EnergeticTigerDad]

Hi! I commented on another thread that my wife recently shared many details of her sexual past. I'm hoping for some insights on how best to process this moving forward.
By way of recap/context:
My wife comes from a moderately conservative (Muslim) family background, but has always had a bit of a wild side. The topic of circumcised vs. uncircumcised penises came up, and I asked what she prefers (while in bed together), and this has led to her sharing lots of details of her past.
She was a virgin when we met, although I had figured she had a little other experience before me. Turns out she had several oral sex partners before we were dating exclusively (some at the same time we were dating), and later had several full sex partners during times we had broken up. We're now happily married with young kids. One of the guys is now married to her good friend and we often see them socially (we were all classmates together).
While I was a bit taken aback by all of this, I did ask, and I'm glad she was finally comfortable sharing. I also find it strangely quite a turn-on, and I'm hopeful this can be a positive development for us together as a couple. Has anyone else had a similar situation with their partner?

I don’t know what the issue is. It doesn’t sound like a wild past to me, and I say that as someone who has only ever had any sexual contact with one person (my husband).

I think this is why people say you should never ask!

That’s not really very wild, most people have a few sexual encounters/ partners before getting into LTR / marriage.

but this would not necessarily sit well if I understood it correctly, your wife was sexual activity with other men while supposedly being exclusively with you?

Turns out she had several oral sex partners before we were dating exclusively (some at the same time we were dating)

My Personal view would be its down to perspective.what happened before is the past. If it happened on a break then you have to assess what you have now and move forwards.

The Interesting aspect is your view of it as a turn in. This I would suggest although not spoke about by most guys is not unusual

i can tell you a lot of men get very aroused at the thought of their wives with other men. Whether actual past or a fantasy.

Muslim also here, could be a good thing that she is experienced. Sometimes you need that wildness lol

Personally, I think it's lovely that she shared. The fact that you find it a turn on is great.

I've had a couple of lady friends / previous FWB that shared all sorts of things with me - never failed to get me aroused, and often led to us exploring things...

I was amazed how men find it a turn on. Hubby very much so. I think there is a lot of physcology there.

Some men are turned on by visual stimulation, like porn, others prefer to use their imagination, so erotica, read or spoken does the trick! 😀

Ah, I meant when we were first dating but weren't yet exclusive, she was having oral sex on other dates. But, you are right, "wild" is a relative term at best.

Absolutely. I think some men feel it’s not very alpha to admit an arousal about other guys and their partners.

One of my FWB was also on the swinging scene - when we got together, we would, er, compare notes about our week.. it made our time together very hot... Reclaim sex is off the charts! 😈

I don’t see an issue with this and my wife knows that I find it a turn on when see talks about people she’s slept with especially when she goes into detail about size etc. She finds it weird that it turns me on so it has to be the right moment and when she’s occasionally really in the mood but whenever I’ve mentioned the smallest detail about girls I’ve slept with she hates it.
Does her friend know about her husband and your wife?

At the risk of derailing the thread, why were you amazed?

Just the volume of men who are turned on by it really.

I think most men are secretly turned on by the thought of it. Majority won’t admit it though.

In my exp your correct.

Never done it myself but would like to, when my wife has shared stories in the past it’s a huge turn on. She’s asked me why and I think it’s the thought of her being pleasured and seeing how she reacts compared to what she’s like with me.
she’s always said I’m the only person to give her multiple orgasms but I don’t know how true that is and if she’s just saying it so I think that plays a part in it aswell.

I meant wild in a surprising but positive way (maybe "hot" is the better term), so, in my case, I am glad I asked. Not a problem, more of an exciting unexpected development.

I think a lot of men won't admit it publicly but would also be wary of admitting it to their partner. How would she react? Would she be insulted? Would she look at her partner as less of a "man"?
Culturally, men are expected to be feeling betrayal and anger and a host of similar emotions if the woman is unfaithful.
Admitting to finding it a turn on goes against a lot of cultural norms.

It's a complex issue and I'm sure each person has a different reason for why they find it arousing.
Whether that's an arousal based on infidelity in marriage or, as in the OPs case, one which was based on discovering the sexual history of his wife who he'd assumed had been very conservative.

I've spent a lot of time reflecting on my thoughts but this isn't my thread and I don't want to derail.

Are you just trying to justify what you said about her being a virgin, then slipped up and wrote the complete opposite on other threads? No one really cares that much and if you're genuine I don't really see what the issue is and the point of this post.

@Thorninhisside

I wonder if age plays a part for both partners .I know there is a young hip scene but there does appears a lot of interest in it for older couples.

Could it be that after a while people are searching for novelty?

Is it that as we become more rounded and emotionally mature that we can separate sex/pleasure from love/ marriage .

A curve ball from is from an evolution prospective is it that males are less protective of their mate as their mate becomes non reproductive so less fear of raising another males young or testosterone drop so less alpha.

If one partners libido goes is opening more cost effective than divorce if everything else is great?

is it all and more of the above. It’s why I love reading opinions on here as it would be so nice if you could have open discussion about it with people in real life.

I'm sorry you felt the need to comment that you ”don't see the point" and "no one cares that much". Apparently my contributions don't meet the exacting standards you hold for the Mumsnet Sex board. I will note I have tried to follow the posted guidelines that one can share as much as comfortable and should be respectful.
Since you also decided to go all "Vera" on me, what exactly am I being accused of? Making up she was a virgin? Or the other stuff? Can't someone be a virgin and also have other sexual experiences?

Her friend doesn’t know. It was my wife and his little secret, apparently. And yes, it has to be at the right moment for my wife to want to share about guys from her past, but I get really turned on by the details as well (size, where they came, etc.).

Not derailing! I can’t articulate well why I find it arousing, and have the same worries about how my wife reacts to all this (although it seems positive).
And to@Anthonysimagination ‘s point on evolution, there’s also a “sperm competition theory” where males instinctively try to outperform their rivals; for example, they will thrust harder to displace the semen of other mates if the female was recently non-monogamous. Who knows?

It’s a hugely common fantasy. Lots of papers written on it as you allude to.