Sexually frustrated

[Atelier93]

One very sexually frustrated being coming through here! I am going out of my mind and need some advice.
I'm pushing 40 and I've been married for almost 20 years. I've never had sex with anyone else. We have a great marriage, very happy together, and never argue.

So what's the problem? Everything is perfect apart from she's never really been interested in sex at all. Our sex life is basic and infrequent at best, probably once a month on average. Even then, I always have to initiate and although she doesn't refuse, I feel like it's a chore for her. I've tried allsorts to make it more interesting, but she's not bothered and probably never will be. I've spoken to her about this and how it makes me feel and although she says she'll make more effort, she never has. She'd never be open to any kind of sex therapy. It's just not an issue for her at all.
I've always been quite open to trying a lot of things, I'm quite adventurous sexually. Because I've never had sex with anyone else, this only adds to my frustration and curiosity. I did have a quick fling about 6 years ago, but my conscience got the better of me before we had full sex. We did have oral though which I'm not proud to admit.

I'd never want to be with anyone else, and this should not be a deal breaker but this becoming quite an issue for me. I'd appreciate any advice, am I just putting my selfish needs before us? I can't bear the thought of a practically sexless marriage forever, but at the same time could never end a relationship over something like this.

Go to therapy. Sex couples therapist specifically.

You say you don't want to end your relationship over something 'like this', wherein it is clear that you and your wife have differing sex drives and interests. She appears to have offered no clear explanation as to why she feels this way and is also reluctant to engage with sex therapy. Therefore, this matter is no longer a small issue but seems to have become a frequent irritant for you and perhaps for your wife, who does her duty whenever required to. This is undoubtedly quite sad but it is unfair to you.
Has your wife experienced any past trauma or is she simply not interested? Perhaps she might want to explore therapy on her own or relationship counselling as a couple, rather than a sex therapist.
You would have broach this topic with her to come to some kind of decision, rather than prolonging the unhappiness.

I can't bear the thought of a practically sexless marriage forever, but at the same time could never end a relationship over something like this.

the 2 statements above are mutually exclusive, so you have 3 options really

1. Like it and lump up
2. leave
3. open up the relationship / have an affair

If your partner is not interested in sex that’s that really, you can’t make people like to have more sex .

an affair would probably end the relationship anyhow, so pick the least worst option

Sounds like a really difficult situation 😕. Do you have young children? That
massively impacted my sex drive, now they're getting older things are much better!

No kids. Got to have sex for that haha.
It is a really difficult situation as you say. I'm at my wits end.

Why did you marry someone that had no interest in sex? You've already cheated on her so your marriage is a joke based on lies. Why don't you start by telling her the truth about that and see where things go from there if you don't have enough courage to end it yourself. She deserves to know the truth about the relationship she's in.

Because I genuinely do love her. We've been together for over 15 years and it wasn't always like this. Everything else in our relationship is perfect. She's just not into sex, which I tried to forego because of how good everything else is, but I am only human too and have needs like everyone else.

Do ignore the past poster. It’s a fact that everyone on minsnet will tell you to bugger off for infidelity.

im a grown up though and know it happens.

get therapy. Real therapy with a sex therapist. (I’ve been where you are)

The only way to resolve this situation without breaking the relationship is to focus on improving your sex life. You need to find out what's blocking your wife's desire. I think it could be one of several things:

• she doesn't feel loved/appreciated/special enough in other areas of the relationship. Another way to say this is the emotional connection between you is lacking. Could she suspect your affair?
• she doesn't know what turns her on and has never explored enough to find out
• she has some past bad experience or guilt about sex
• she has body issues
• she has doubts about her sexuality or just isn't a sexual person

Whatever it is, it's a lot harder to work on when you don't know. So you need to find out and address it together. If she won't talk about it or go to therapy, then that is a bigger problem that needs to be addressed.

Tip: Try and focus on her feelings when you talk to her, rather than making it about your needs.

Does she orgasm during sex? I've never known a woman to refuse sex when she gets a good orgasm from it even when she doesn't like her husband very much she'll still have sex with him. If it's not a pleasure issue then the only way forward is to be completely honest. Tell her you love her but if this marriage is going to work then she needs to meet you half way. Don't have another affair. Do the right thing and divorce her so you can find someone else guilt free.

This.

One of my first FWB was in your position. He dearly loved his wife. He'd tried talking to his wife several times over several years about his need for sex more than hers. He'd suggested opening up the marriage to try to even out the imbalance. She said no. He opened it anyway without her knowledge.

He had a few ONSs, then found me on a hook up site, as he wanted someone more regular. I ended things with him after a year. A while after that, I saw on IG that things had ended with his wife.

I sadly don't think there's a happy ending for you. 2 or 3 aren't what you want, but 2 will be cleaner than 3. 1 is a really hard option, but if you think you can, it's an option. Until the next time you get frustrated and you want a solution.

You could try a sex counsellor. Your wife may be more amenable to going to discuss the matter if you help her try to understand how close you are to ending the marriage over this. Some people, particularly on some MN boards, don't seem to realise just how important a compatible sex life is in a marriage. I agree a spouse shouldn't be forced to have sex if they don't want it, but a spouse shouldn't be forced into a relationship with little or no sex either.

Maybe show her this thread to try to open up the conversation again?

On this post you say you'd never want to be with anyone else... but on another you say you've been looking for a FWB but with no luck. I'm confused!

I wouldn't want a serious relationship with anyone else. She ticks all the boxes apart from the intimacy, so that's why I thought a fwb could help.