Husband avoids sex

[Emptynester123]

I’m 56 and my husband avoids sex with me. I’m 5’9, blonde size 12. I keep myself in pretty good shape. We haven’t had penetrative sex in 15 years. I feel so lonely and rejected. He avoids talking about it. We live like house mates. Kids are grown up and I hate to think of my life going forward with no intimacy. We get on okay in other aspects of our life. Just aching to be held and loved.

Would you consider open marriage if you want to stay married to him?

Strange, im the one often feeling like this, but even though sex happens, rarely admittedly, im the one who has to initiate.

She used to refuse a lot of the time when we first got married (27 years ago), now she doesn't refuse, but then she's doesn't encourage, or make me feel desired or wanted, her excuse for many years is the menopause, which is fair enough, but i feel like im loosing a part of myself, her not refusing sex but just essentially just laying there for me makes me second guess myself.

I sometimes wish i didn't feel horny at all.

If i really think about it, i feel hopeless, it's soul destroying, and then i feel the guilt creep in, because now in my head, im a sex pest.

If there was a drug for men, im not sure i could take it, self pleasure feels like the only pleasure i have.

@BarraNayk - Admittedly, the past couple of times we had sex, i was so far in my own head that i wasn't able to finish, i was still very much hard, just no release, which made me feel worse!!

Hell, because of that im more than happy with a bit of self care!!

I know this isn’t going to help (that’s a good start isn’t it!) you’re not alone in this, being in a long term relationship, with someone who just has no desire, but what they don’t realise/understand, it’s not just about sex, it’s about the connection, intimacy, feeling close to someone & feeling really loved.The difficult part of it is, is when your partner doesn’t want to talk about it, making it a closed subject That’s not ok, because it’s like the elephant in the room, it’s always going to be there.It happens to men and women, low testosterone (there’s a possibility it could be this) which affects the libido.I completely get, this isn’t easy to broach, it’s important though to think of what makes you happy, if he wants the relationship to work, then, he needs to open up to you.Maybe small steps, by saying, having a cuddle, kiss every day, it doesn’t have to lead onto penetrative sex.Now this a big step, making an appointment, speaking to his GP, for blood tests, just to see, what his testosterone level is, just to rule it out, or if low be prescribed testosterone.It’s just the two of you now, it would help, to have a evening or 2 where, you have no distractions, so you can chat have a meal or watch a film together.You’re only 56, you have plenty of years a head of you, if he’s not going to meet you half way, then he’s needs to understand this isn’t working for you.I’m no expert, l’m only going by past experience, l think that if this isn’t addressed you’re going to regret, the continued lack of intimacy and it’ll really going to affect your relationship.

I've been where you are.

How do you define "married"?
Some might say you've not been married for 15yrs, but rather house mates and business partners. Possibly even friends.
If intimacy is something you need in your life, maybe it's best you move on. Just talk to those who've been through divorce and understand the consequences first - middle aged dating can be sole destroying, and you may not meet someone with whom you want to have sex. Or you might. And it's difficult to know what other ripples there will be when you throw the hand grenade of divorce in the pond. The again, being able to get physically lost in someone may be worth the challenges.
Good luck.❤️

Him taking testosterone assumes he is broken and needs to be fixed. Gender flip it and should any woman who doesn't want sex be "fixed"? Some people just don't want sex and that's OK.
15yrs and not talking about it says he doesn't actively want a different situation and no one should be medicated for the sake of others.

The entire low T level is a bit of a fallacy,

Testosterone is such an important hormone in men that “low” level would be associated with so an array of other symptoms not just a lack of interest in sex that would be absolutely obvious in the previous 15 years

I’m just thinking maybe, exploring possibilities, as l said maybe it’s not this, just having a blood test would rule this out.Low testosterone can explain a lot, it’s not just about sex drive, it can affect someone’s mood and cause erectile dysfunction, which would explain a lot.The attitude, someone is broken and needs to be fixed, is unhelpful to the person who is experiencing this.Having a blood test or seeking help, doesn’t make you broken.Just wow you’ve taken from my reply that it’s about someone getting medicated for the sake of someone else (testosterone is transdermal, it’s just applied to the skin, can be prescribed on prescription and it’s just an option)personally l think that’s such a selfish attitude, because they are in a relationship.
And yes l do think that if it was the other way around, the female refused to talk about it or consider the other person’s feelings that’s going to cause difficulties in their relationship it works both ways.Yes of course it’s ok, not to want to have sex, however when you’re in a relationship, it’s not just about 1 person, it’s understanding your partner, has feelings, needs.Why is it ok, for the other person in the relationship, just to accept they’re never going to have sex again, or any kind of intimacy, to feel emotionally connected
This is why some relationships breakdown, completely.By exploring possibilities together, they can get through this.
There needs to be a willingness on his part though, for this to work.I think sometimes, we just accept things the way they are, 15 years maybe a long time, but it’s not too late.

I feel your pain, I’m mid 30’s and wife is 40 and she has lost her sex drive but I could still go multiple times a day.

Comments make me feel less alone. Self confidence really low.

I know it may feel like you're going through this alone, and that it's only happening to you, but trust me, there are so many people, both men and women who are experiencing what you are going through, we all deal with it in different ways, but ultimately we need a good understanding ear to let us know that even though it's not the ideal situation, you're not alone.

Feel free to reach out if ever you want someone to talk with, im a good listener.

Just for clarity, I say this from the perspective of having been in exactly the position the OP is in.

Apologies, l think l went into a bit of a rant.
Yes, l think myself included, can completely identify if that’s the right word, understand where OP is coming from.

You’re definitely not alone, it’s just good to
feel able to talk about it.

It might be once a month or 6 weeks on average but it’s rarely the passionate sex I crave. It’s normally my wife saying for me to be on top and to hurry up 😂. Every now and then we will have good sex with foreplay and her letting me go down on her. now just says well her friends are the same and hate having sex so it isn’t just her. If only she had different friends 😂
How about you?

I can’t remember the last time my wife flirted back with me or initiated sex.
I remember having a conversation with her about the lack of sex and her response was if I don’t like it then leave and it made me think if we did split and people found out the reason they would think I’m such an arsehole.