Is it worth persevering with FWB after this?

[Clarice3]

Been sleeping with a guy for a few months now but meet-ups are fairly infrequent as we live in different cities a couple of hours' drive apart.

He's gorgeous and there's definitely chemistry there. Both quite intense in bed so I find I look forward to seeing him, but the past couple of times we've met the sex itself has been really frustrating and I'm not sure if I'm being insensitive/demanding or just a pushover.

He has always been quite quick to ejaculate, which seems to cause him a lot of embarrassment (lots of apologising, getting annoyed with himself etc). I actually don't mind it nearly as much as he does, but I know if things were the other way around I would make the extra effort to ensure he orgasms first, or I would come back to it afterwards and finish the job...but he doesn't.

Foreplay is energetic but he's a lot rougher than I would like and I'd find it almost impossible to come with his technique when it comes to oral/digital. He did once manage to make me orgasm through oral but I was really relaxed and had to be very vocal about slowing it down etc.

We always use condoms which I thought would also help with de-sensitising him and make him last longer, but it doesn't seem to.

Yesterday we met up for a few hours and again he was rough with me throughout foreplay, then proceeded to ejaculate a few seconds into sex. We took a break for a bit, then went back to it and he ejaculated through oral sex. After that, he got straight into the shower and put his clothes back on, ready to leave.

I hadn't orgasmed at all. He knew this.

A couple of times I'd tried to take his hand and show him a slower technique that I'd have enjoyed, made all the right noises, told him it felt good etc, but he just went back to doing it rough. The technique he uses is one you see a lot in porn- i.e. all action for the camera but very hard to enjoy in real life.

I actually feel quite upset by the entire thing. I feel completely used and taken advantage of. Not to mention frustrated. I don't care about the early ejaculation at all, but I just can't fathom the idea of knowing you're meeting up with someone for mutual pleasure, and then just leaving once you've got what you came for. Like I'm not even human.

I have had lovers in the past who are the complete opposite. Who get pleasure from giving pleasure. I tend to be the same, and the dynamic is just a really fun, generous, explorative experience.

I'm having a hard time not succumbing to to insecurities in my head that tell me this is a "me" problem. That I'm somehow giving off a vibe that he doesn't need to bother trying.

Best case scenario, he wants me to enjoy it but the early ejaculation is taking a toll on his self-esteem and he feels less confident trying new things that don't mirror what he's seen in porn. Maybe he thinks I'm hard work in bed.

Worst case scenario, he genuinely doesn't give a fuck about my enjoyment and...what? Thinks I'm just happy to be there??

Anyway, feeling like shit today. Torn between being a big girl and using my words to actually ask for what I want from him, and just writing this one off.

Any thoughts?

Personally , from a male point of view , if i was having problems from lasting long enough to give my parter and orgasm , i would do everything i possibly could to make sure they are satisfied before I attempted penatration .
Sounds like he is there for one thing only and your needs are very low on his priorites .

Talk to him honestly, if he doesn't change cut him loose.

There's no point continuing with a FWB arrangement if you just leave frustrated.

This FWB is not going anywhere soon. From a male perspective this behaviour is simply not acceptable and would suggest it is time for pastures new.

Good luck OP

Another male here to echo the above. I couldn't imagine cumming, either in a ONS, FWB situation or even in a LTR, without making sure the woman is satisfied either before or after.

You have tried to guide/instruct and he just isn't listening. He is a selfish twat and you would be doing yourself a massive favour by binning him off.

In the situation you are in, it is even more important that you are satisfied and you are not!

Yet another man to answer. Straight to the point: no, it doesn't sound worth persevering.
Persevering means drive several hours, try again to communicate your needs, hope for a satisfaction he's never be too bothered with. He obviously either can't be asked to give you what you need, or expecting it's normal for you to orgasm 10% of the time.

If there was a bigger stake in this, maybe the effort would be worth it, but for a FWB... You'll meet better men.

If the sex is this frustrating and one sided i can’t really see why you are friends, and can’t see what your benefits are either?

Not trying to be nasty, but the only reason to put up with bad sex is if it’s the only option you have. Otherwise i can’t fathom why you would keep this relationship up?

The sex isn’t satisfying you AND you feel like shit the day after

It Certainly sounds like he’s a shit lover. Whether it’s because of embarrassment on his part, or because it’s because he genuinely isn’t interested/able to do better.

Either way, this relationship has run its course. The thrill of it being new has gone and now that initial excitement has died down, you’re looking at it with different eyes

Is there an echo in here?

He's crap in bed, selfish and not interested in trying to improve?? I think you've missed the point of having a fwb in your life!

Use your words, tell him that although you find him very attractive you aren't enjoying the foreplay or sex and don't feel like your pleasure is important to him and that you've decided to call it a day.

Doesn't sound you have any of the benefits of the fwb so either talk to him or bin him.

This man only cares about his needs. Try Feeld and find yourself a nice FWB.

Get rid of him. I've had a few FWB and there should always be ground rules and communication or there is no point. From what you have described there is no benefit to you and he's not asking for your feedback or what you want. Just because he's a FWB doesn't mean it doesn't require effort from all sides.

If you having regular sex with someone it doesn't matter if they are your partner or a friend they should at least know what works for you.

F here I definitely know what you mean. I think a lot of men are just not educated on Aftercare and they think it's normal to just leave and completely shut down when they are done.

I think you definitely need to be vocal and shameless about needing a guy to be there once you're done with future partners.

Otherwise sex feels like this heavy unfun things that makes you feel used when it could feel fun and good.

Ask for what you need. You get what you settle for.

And he just seems like a bad lover. There are men who are very fit who treat sex as if it's transaction. I don't want to say get rid but it just seems like a miserable experience lol.

Sex with FWB is supposed to be fun, and not miserable.