Improving body confidence

[Ralphistired]

TW - reference to miscarriage

I suffer from recurrent miscarriage so me and husband have decided we will not try for for children. This is final and I’ve grieved for that and I am doing good.

I used to be a very sexual person and since my last mc I am not. 2 and a half years ago. It’s not due to problems with self image as not in a big headed way but I’ve always had a good figure and my husband makes it clear he fancies me.

I’ve tried to understand why in order to get to the root and I think it is a mental block. I have no sexual connection with my body. I think I associate all my reproductive parts with failure. My GP dismissed my concerns that something was wrong so I went private and they suspect endo and I also have a lot ovarian cysts so again this is all I can think of when I think of sex. Physically my mc was a lot and I still have flashbacks again my vagina is not a sexy place to me any more! The flashbacks don’t make me upset but they’re very clear.

If I see a man look at me in the street I think little do you know I can’t have kids, you wouldn’t fancy me then! I know this may sound silly.

I thought it may get better with time but it hasn’t.

Has anyone been through similar and what did you do? It makes me sad and I don’t know where to turn as it’s not really talked about. Sorry this is so depressing!

I think you've done a great job linking the pieces together and figuring out what's blocking you. Well done. You're very much in touch with your emotions.

I think given the level of trauma that you've experienced with your miscarriages - for which I'm so sorry! - you'll probably need to see a psychologist to help you work through the associations you've made, seeing your body as a failed reproductive tool.

Your worth as a woman, as a person, is so much more than just how well your body produces babies. I know there must have been a lot of pain involved in accepting the fact that you're not having children, but this does not define you.
I hope you get the help you need and deserve.

I second the suggestion to see an actual trained professional, but that won't stop me from tossing a thought in: Before my wife got pregnant for the first time, I thought of sex as goofy fun. Then, suddenly, it was connected to this much more serious thing - a kid! That really messed with my head for a while, and our sex life just died. It has taken a while to think about sex as something more serious than goofy fun but not this universe-changing event that might lead to kids. I hope you'll be able to find ways to reframe sex, perhaps as a way to connect to your husband, that allow you to have it as a positive part of your life without the connection to the bitter frustration of the miscarriages.

I’ve been through similar but from a different angle. I was the same very sexual person, oldest kid 5 now so plenty of time to crack on and start having sexy fun after being in the trenches with 3 kids for so long. Bought loads of lingerie and happy being sexy confident me again instead of mum.

Then I got pregnant, at 43. The horror of that feeling (6 months ago) is still very much with me, positive pregnancy tests were always a joyous thing for me (3 previous miscarriages between my 3 DC) and the different emotion was confusing and upsetting.

So I’m having to arrange getting abortion pills in the post, feeling stupid at my age. Then before the pills arrived I miscarried (early 5 weeks) which like you say is horrible and since then I just don’t want sex at all, it’s like a flick has been switched. Also have flashbacks and guilt (even though I didn’t take the pills I intended to)

I know it’s because of this but knowing why isn’t helping to flick the switch back on. I feel so sad, I just want to be me again but no idea how. DH is getting a vasectomy next month so that might help, knowing it can’t happen again.

Sorry you are feeling like this, it’s lonely and sad. I hope you get your switch back on again, counselling is probably a very good idea for both of us.