Is this normal?

[Peony6]

Hi all, I feel like I've lost perspective a bit having been married for so long. Despite lots of requests over the years my husband doesn't pay me any affection through out the day, compliments or nice touch, hugs etc. Then often when he gets into bed he'll roll over and start touching me down below. Either that or he'll try to have sex straightaway. Often it does the opposite of turning me on, I just want him to get off as there's been no other foreplay or nice interaction through out the day and it makes me feel so resentful there's been no effort made. But if I say no I feel guilty too.

It could be common in some homes but should not be normal.

For starters, l would expect oral first, but even before that l would expect to be held, caressed and kissed.

Going back to my shared house days, if l brought someone back, l would always put a CD on, mainly to try and stop other noises being heard. Generally, listening to the average album, l would expect that to have fully played before we got to next base.

l really think there is absolutely nothing wrong with saying “l’m not ready yet” either.

Donald Trump 'grab them' comes to mind 🤬

Yes, as @StarlightLady says, "I'm not ready yet" is a good way of communicating your feelings on the spot.

It's often said that it's better to talk about sex not at the moment of having sex. The morning after one these attempts comes to mind... as a man I wouldn't dislike what you're saying here, I would even find it exciting, and it's not rocket science!

Not normal in my book. He gives no sign of connection or appreciation for you during the day and goes straight to "grabbing you by the pussy" at night? That is unacceptable, selfish behaviour. Sex is not all about him. I think you need to tell him how you feel and what you want to change. Failing that, pushing his hand away and saying you want to start with kissing etc and build up to the rest would be a better definition of normal.

To add to my previous comments, l don’t know what the OP usually wears to bed, but l would climb in with my knickers on. They should stay on until you OK that they can come off.

Selfish ex was like this . Admitted he was sexually selfish towards the end of our relationship as he knew I hadn't been with anyone else and didn't have anyone else to compare him with . It was all him , just grab and grope , no foreplay , and as soon as he came that was it . Never asked what I wanted or if I was satisfied. Even woke me up a few times while he was wanking to come in my mouth so he didn't have a mess to clean up . One of the reasons he's an ex .

my ex is like this too. He genuinely seems to believe men are entitled to orgasms and that it's a bonus if his partner has one, another reason to feel good about himself. I stayed with him for 20 years. When I finally got him to marriage counselling the counsellor told me to leave him. I did, and 18 months later I'm now much happier. I had a little fling before Christmas but mainly get by with my vibrator which gives me much more pleasure than that pathetic creep ever did.

I also used to feel guilty turning him down. Prick never felt guilty about me not orgasming. Or any of the other stuff.

I think there are two issues here the first one is why you feel guilty saying no to sex you don’t want or like. It is perfectly reasonable to say no to what he's offering.

The other is that unfortunately some men don’t get it and we think our magic dicks are the answer to everything . You appear to have tried to tell him about how you need more than just him trying to jam it in after an unwanted fumble which has not brought any positive results .

Maybe it’s time to tell him that you are open to having sex with him and to be honest if you haven’t got the Ick by now, he should be grateful for that. Tell him that the sex he is offering is shit and unappealing and you would also like an orgasm (if your getting one already) . This will be wounding but he maybe needs to hear it as he obviously thinks what he's doing is currently working.

Also I know it's not everyone’s cup of tea but maybe actually planning sex and seeing if he can set a romantic mood may help.

Omg

That's just awful. I don't consider myself particularly naive when it comes to men but that has really shocked me.

How fucking dare he?

I'm sorry you went through that.