He can get off to porn women's bodies but not to mine

[jubs15]

My body image has never been great, but it's taken a bad hit. In the 3 months I've been with my (younger) boyfriend he's only been able to cum a couple of times. He goes for absolutely ages, I do things to try and help (squeeze muscles, keep legs close together, moan enthusiastically, lots of oral etc) but it doesn't happen for him. He usually blames it on being tired (he has no job and does little), but I now feel I'm not good enough. It's not been helped by him telling me that he can cum by himself in 30 seconds and that a wank helps him sleep.

I know he watches porn and I don't want to know about it, but I didn't realise this was happening every night when he messages me goodnight. I've been left feeling that there must be a problem with me because he can cum from wanking over other women's bodies but he can't cum from being inside mine, even if I try to give him a porn-like experience.

I've told him it doesn't matter, he says it's not me, but it's killing my self esteem. When he compliments me on my body I can't believe him anymore because obviously I can't match up to the women he gets off to easily when he's on his own. I think no wonder my body doesn't do it for him when he's getting his thrills from those 20+ years younger.

I want to try talking to him about how I'm feeling, but I'm frightened it'll put more psychological pressure on him to cum during sex and make the situation worse. My history of body dysmorphia probably doesn't help, but I've never had a boyfriend unable to cum with me before. Am I being unreasonable? Has anyone else felt like this or been in a similar situation?

Urgghh he has no job. does next to nothing, watches a load of porn and has a death grip so can't orgasm from real sex - why on earth are you with this loser?

In his defence, he's carer for his teenager who has ASD. The lad rarely goes to school, so that's why he's at home all day, "watching YouTube".

Right... two thoughts:

• you have said it doesn't matter, but you need to be open with him that it does. He needs to know how his behaviour makes you feel. Some disclosure: I'm a man and I have used more porn than is healthy. My partner has been very clear that she doesn't like and that has helped me stop.
• He can do better. I'm an AS man with two AS young adults at home, and I have a full-time job. His son has to be at home but not always with dad.
• If your partner stays at home being a dad and has nothing else, he's going to make you mad. whether a kick in the badside, counselling, believing he might lose you, his life needs to improve, and if he doesn't progress, don't remain with someone that is damaging your own confidence so much, however kind he is to his son. Take it from a father also as disabled children: it's no excuse.

I don’t think it is sitting to do with you or your body

it sounds like he has got too used to wanking himself off and isnt used to orgasming through sex

i wonder if he has ever managed a typical sexlife? You won’t know without talking with him.

Personally i find it very distracting if women are making porn sounds or pretending they are in to it and faking sounds and things.

my guess is he needs to cut down on the wanking, and you both need to relax and enjoy sex without it all being about the orgasm

I would talk to him about how it makes you feel, but honestly, it's not you.
He's gotten too used to masterbating. It doesn't matter what you do, you cannot be tighter than his closed hand. I had this with an ex. He was single for a while before me and obviously masterbated. He had to stop masterbating for a while and then everything was fine. Youve been together 3 months so this is probably a habit of his from before you met. It's rubbish but it's not you or your body. It's the same as if us women used a vibrator all the time. Men wouldn't be able to match it. Have a conversation with him. You need to clear the air and come up with ideas together on how to move past this.

He's a very lucky man, to an extent. Diagnosing death grip as the problem here. No job, and a porn addiction, I'd suggest you need to move on to someone else if possible. I've a great job, no porn addiction, but yet find meeting women in a relationship remarkably problematic, visual impairment. Respect yourself and find someone more suitable.

If he has a teenage son I'm guessing he's some way past 30. That means his libido won't be what it used to be. Men need time to recharge, once they've come, and as they get older they need more time. If he's coming every night he won't have anything left over for sex.

So it's very simple. He needs to cut right down on the wanking.

At the moment he's prioritising wanking and porn over you. He needs to realise that, and he needs to realise that it's hurting you. You will have to decide what you want to do if he refuses to rectify that.

The studies don't suggest that death grip is a thing. I guess whatever the truth is, the remedy is the same, ie, reduce / stop the wanking.

So I spoke with him about all this last night and told him how it's hurting my self esteem. I said that while he's free to do as he wishes with his body, but when it affects me, it's a problem.

He took it surprisingly well and said that if he's had a wank the night before then he finds it harder to cum the next day, but it's clearly the death grip at play too. He told me he'd stop, which I don't think is very realistic. I told him that if he has a porn addiction then that is not something I want in my life. I've been honest with him about how he's made me feel so the ball's in his court now.

Please get rid. This isn't going to get any better and you're only a few months in! This is going to erode your confidence over time. Not only that, but he sounds like a loser (sorry if this sounds unkind).
You have made this ALL about him and what you feel he needs. What about your needs? You shouldn't have to put on a porn performance for sex to work.
You deserve better. Ditch him and then work on your self-esteem before embarking on another relationship

l think a lot depends on where you see the relationship going? If you don’t see it as a serious or long term relationship, I’d just relax about it and have some fun. You’ve got a guy who can go on for ages without cumming - sounds ideal! 😆
My other half is the same when he’s had a few drinks it’s like viagra for him - I know I’m in for a good night if he’s had a few drinks although not enough to send him to sleep lol
Is he as concerned about your enjoyment as you are his? Does he worry if you haven’t had an orgasm?

Haha, good point! When we first started having sex he was under the impression that all women orgasm from penetrative sex alone, no clitoral stimulation. I had to speak to him about that and now he does at least understand that I can't get there like that and he asks what I'd like him to do, so he's got better in that respect. It's just a shame that it's gone from me having no orgasms to him.

I (male) have the higher libido in my relationship so while I will see to myself I am careful not to if it's likely there will be sex in the next 24 hours. Leaving myself alone increases my desire and ability to come. That works pretty well for us both. I suggest he tries that.

Regarding the porn and your self-esteem, you need to look after yourself first and I am not suggesting you should ignore your boundaries. But remember that you are the only person he can have physical contact, intimacy and connection with, and in that way you aren't comparable to anyone.

nothing wrong with you but loads with him. walk away and find another man who will appreciate you for who you are. all men wank off on their own or over porn but to tell you what he has he's a waste of your time

I ended the relationship a month ago. He was far more interested in porn than actually having sex and I got tired of trying to live up to all the fake crap he thought was real.