So Fed Up!

[Freddy75]

Evening!

My wife doesn’t do sex, is getting bigger by the day - I find it all so difficult.

To give context, I’ve penetrated my wife four times since marriage seven years ago …. think about that.

And before you flame me, I’m never slow to pleasure her or wine and dine her - she has a comfortable life.

I think it suits her, I really do.

But she won’t discuss it or do anything to acknowledge my situation - I’m fit and can fuck like the best of them, as she knows, but she makes no effort whatsoever, never initiating.

Yet she hates me even talking to other women.

I have had wild, passionate sex with another woman (she’s in the same boat), but I really love and want my wife!!

No idea what do do, but I’m really unhappy because of this.

Divorce seems a logical option though.

Divorce.

As posts previously have indicated, divorce seems the only logical solution. When things take a turn for the worse here for both, surely inevitable. You are miserable, I suspect your wife is miserable, (not in the situation obviously), so just go your separate ways with good grace.

I wish my husband was more like you!

I’m in a similar position, though not as bad, and it’s up and down. No advice, but it’s really tough to negotiate.

Many people in these situations, sad to read about them. Goes to show that sex, when It comes down to It, is the glue that keeps things ticking over.

If divorce is not an option, counselling together to begin with.
Or pack your bags, leave a note that you're giving you both time to decide if a life together is what you want, and get out for a month. Make sure that any words exchanged have a written track for the divorce afterwards, because it sounds like she press you like an orange.

Thank you for the replies, which make a lot of sense.

Divorce would be financially brutal for me, adding to my unhappiness -it’s like I just can’t win.

i’d love a FWB, but the F bit would be an issue - I think I’d want more, further complicating things.

Go and see a solicitor and get your financial details around divorce looked at and get your finances sorted,
look online and get an idea of the value of your house so you understand that

once you have that fixed in your mind, lay your cards on the table with regards to the changes, she doesn’t have to have sex with you- that’s her choice

equally you don’t need to provide a comfortable lifestyle that’s your choice also,

you and your money can leave her

Financial ruin as a consequence of divorce would not increase your misery. I know because I have been there. I had the detached four bedroom house, new cars, etc., but was desperately unhappy. Once I exchanged my life for one that I was in charge of I was happy, despite a tiny, cold cottage in the middle of nowhere and no money at all.

I wouldn't go with a fwb situation as it wouldn't end well, especially if you found someone you were sexually compatible with. As a women with a very high sex drive it would be a deal breaker for
Me, over the fancy house and cars anyway.
You need to talk to your wife and tell her that it's making you miserable and that it can't continue and that there will be consequences, ie you start to look
Elsewhere , we're all
Human after all and most enjoy physical
Closeness and touch.
Maybe you've just outgrown each other ?

That was very near the mark, almost like you know me!!!!!!

@Freddy75
😊 no
I don't know you ha, however I do know that without that closeness it doesn't work for me, for me it's something that bonds you together, not something you have to beg for , my current partner is amazing, although a bit older and not as active as me , he's a few times a week , where as I'd be an everyday kinda person but I'm an active gym goer ha so I think that makes a difference in how active your lifestyle is and how you feel body wise as a woman. Hope you sort it out as no one deserves to be unhappy and clearly you love her and want that too, which is nice.

Were you having sex more regularly before you got married? You say you’ve been married for seven years but had you been together a long time before this?
I know that some couples manage to live happily in sexless marriages, but I honestly don’t think I could and it sounds like you can’t either? I’ll be honest, if I wasn’t having sex with my partner four times in a fortnight I’d be initiating a discussion about it let alone four times in seven years.

I agree with what’s been said before - look into your finances and work out roughly what you’d have should you divorce. There’s more to life than a nice house and car. It seems as if this marriage won’t last the way things currently are anyway

We were indeed, and I we had been together for 20 years before marriage.

We have an idyllic life in many ways, envied by lots of friends - their words! The thing is, I don’t feel like a man anymore with my wife, but incredible, passionate, wild sex with other women in similar situations has kept me going and feeling somewhat normal - I have learned that a woman who knows herself and who wants/need sex is an incredible turn on!

All relationships are different but it’s just trying to work out what is holding your wife back, has she had a bad sexually experience in the past that maybe she hasn’t told you about? If you have children maybe that’s holding her back slightly, Does she have an active life or is she at home most of the day? She could be bored or depressed or just stuck in abit of a rut. Maybe if she doesn’t work then if possible would her getting some form of job help, not just financially but to interact with other people.
I used to think my wife didn’t love/fancy me because she wouldn’t be up for sex and it almost seemed like a chore but it turns out she was stressed with the kids, running the house and general life no matter how much I helped.
You know her best and if she isn’t telling you what’s up, try to see the habits that she/you have that might be worsening the mood, sitting indoors doing nothing, being on phones constantly(if you’re on your phones a lot maybe try having some time where you switch them off), watching tv.
Communication is key in all relationships and I think technology and social media is doing a lot more damage than good.
if you can work out what was so good when you were first together and having sex that might help understand what’s changed and what the problem is.
Good luck and try to work through it!

The sex might not be so incredible or passionate if you were actually in a relationship with any of these women. It could just be that they’re bored in their marriages the same as you so it’s just a bit of excitement for them.

OP,
I really feel for you. I went through 10 years of a sexless, intamcyless marriage before I decided to end it.. It's less than fun.

Communication in any relationship is vital. Have you talked to your DW about this? If not, I'd highly recommend doing so before looking to "play away". There might be reasons she isn't interested - menopause, depression, etc.

My ex & I went away to a hotel for a weekend, so that there would be no distractions, and we thrashed things out between us. It was a very painful thing to do, but it was the most honest we'd been to each other in a very very long time.

Unfortunately, for us, it was too late to save things, but maybe you can.

If you are unhappy then it will start to affect other situations in the relationship.

if you try and talk to her again & she shuts you down then I really don’t see what options that leaves you with

don’t do anything behind her back but I’d start with a lawyer

I’m fit and can fuck like the best of them 😜 Got a younger brother?

Jokes aside, you seem really unhappy and resentful. Is this the only thing that's bothering you? Perhaps your DW has low libido because she is chronically stressed out? We don't know her side of the story.

Advice above that resonates with me is what @AverageGuy wrote. Communication is absolutely vital in any relationship. You need to be able to talk to your partner about a lot of things and decisions.

This sounds like absolute hell! I know lots of my friends say they only have sex when absolutely need to but this is unhealthy.
I couldn’t cope. How does she expect you to function you must have so much tension.

I love sex! Not all woman are like that!

Common subject this, you can try talking to her about how you feel and the impact it has, look at counselling, find someone else or put up with it, not really sure there are many other options

It always comes down to the same thing.

You need to talk.

Sex is clearly very important to you. I get that. It’s very important to me.

In my opinion it’s not ok for your partner to say sex isn’t important so we don’t need to have a good sex life, but also say you can’t have sex with another person.

Either sex is important in a relationship, or is not important. If it’s not important then you can have sex with other people.

maybe you need to let her know that if your sex life doesn’t change completely you will get a divorce because for you, at this time in your life, you want a sexual relationship with your partner. If she can’t, or doesn’t want to, or won’t do this then you need to split up.

or, if you won’t do this, just accept that you financial situation or stability or whatever is more important to you than sex. That wouldn’t work for me though. Sex with a partner is one of my greatest pleasures in my life

You made it sound like you'd just been unfaithful the once to start with. Now you're saying you get passionate with other women implying it's happened a lot.
Could she by any chance know what your about? That would put any woman off. How long after marriage did you start having sex with others?

I didn’t do anything with another woman until ten years into our relationship.

By that point, I had already put up with years of frustration, where nothing I said, did or suggested ultimately changed a thing.

She got me and then couldn’t care less about sex, with me or anyone else. Now she’s just dried up and feels nothing down below - sex toys I bought her were binned.

And I don’t regard anything I’ve done as being unfaithful, when my wife has been unwilling to behave even remotely in a normal sexual manner - I’ve had sex with three other women, one younger and single, two married and in the same boat. The current one is divorcing and that’s got me all over the shop.

Divorce would devastate my wife, shattering the illusion to her friends and family.