Hi folks,
Just looking for some outside perspectives here please.
My wife and I have been together for over 12 years and married for 10 of those. We are mid 40’s. We have one child (9). Our relationship has always been great for the most part. We rarely argue, we have a very comfortable life together, I do my share around the house, we very much share parenting responsibilities, and I am very sure my wife has no issues with me in that regard. I love her as much as ever and I do believe she loves me.
So, what is my problem then? Well, it is our sex life. When we met it was electric and it remained so for at least the first couple of years. We had huge chemistry between us. But like many couples, life has got in the way, it has waned considerably. From an outsiders perspective, I suppose we haven’t a bad sex-life. We still manage to do it 2-3 times a week. But it is quite routine, vanilla and generally always on my wife’s terms. When we do do it, I’m fairly sure she does enjoy “the moment” most of the time but it all tends to be over relatively quickly… I love it when I sense that she is really “into it” but on many occasions it doesn’t feel that way. I am generally the one to initiate and often it is a no, not now. It is never the right time or there’s something more important to do. She has reasoned with me that while she’s still mad about me, attracted to me as ever, etc, her drive isn’t what it was and certainly not as high as mine is. In recent times, I’ve started to feel very nostalgic about how things used to be and I long for some of that magical spark to come back.
However, here’s something that’s really bothering me at the moment - I’ve discovered in the last few months that she has been regularly masturbating to porn while home alone - at least a couple of times a week when she WFH’s and I am in the office. I know this because I can see the browsing history on a shared device we use. She isn’t particularly “techy”, she hasn’t bothered to clear history…
I’ve no issue with porn or masturbation. We’ve always been open about it and we sometimes have indulged in it together and we’ve simultaneously enjoyed the experience. Mutual masturbation is often something we do, with or without visual aids. She knows I sometimes go it alone when I feel the need and she’s never had a problem with that but at the same time, she would flat out deny that she ever indulges in any solo play while alone – she would say, no, I am not into it anymore, or I am “saving myself for you”.
On one hand, it really turns me on, the thoughts of her doing it alone, but on the other hand it is upsetting me. I am wondering why she seems to have little interest in keeping the exciting spark between us a bit more “alive” - e.g. when she’s in the mood, why doesn’t she do something small like send me a racy text, see where it leads… instead, she would rather just quickly sort herself out? As I said, I do masturbate too, but it’s never a substitute for the real thing, I would never turn down sex with her.
If I thought that our dwindling romantic relationship was purely down to a lower sex drive, I could rationalise it, but clearly, there is much more of a sex drive there than she is willing to share with me. I know there has been nights where she’s rejected my advances, but she had sorted herself out earlier that day.
I did get a bit upset with her over the weekend, I did not reveal that I am aware of her habit at all… but I did say that I felt our intimate relationship has gone quite flat in recent years, I long for a glimmer of the chemistry we used to have and that I felt my various attempts to revive things have generally fall flat. However, she totally reassures me that she loves me more than ever, she’s really happy, etc. Obviously it’s very difficult for me to broach the porn/masturbation subject as I fear that would make things worse, she’ll accuse me of snooping, which I guess I am doing…