How can boys (and girls) learn about good sex?

[Boysneedtolearngoodsex]

I was talking to my 17 year old daughter who is in no rush to lose her virginity but has been talking about sex with her boyfriend (also a virgin). She was shocked because he said he'd read that only 30 per cent of women could have an orgasm. It turns out what he was reading about was 30 per cent through PIV sex only and he appeared to have no concept of what else sex might involve. When she said that maybe he didn't know much about sex he said he did because he'd seen plenty of porn. She rightly said that did the opposite of filling her with confidence about the idea of having sex with him.

She told me she's not keen on the idea because she thinks it will hurt. I told her if sex hurts you're doing it wrong, and that there's much more to it than PIV. This led me to thinking, how can young people learn about how to please each other these days, especially young men learning to please women, when there's so much porn around and none of it shows any regard for female pleasure. I remember in my teen years there was More magazine with sex tips, position of the month etc.

Surely with all the information out there on the Internet there should be some that helps to teach young men to be considerate lovers, and teach young women how to find pleasure??

You’re right, all those teen mags have gone.

I used to enjoy reading Cosmopolitan magazine; I assume they still publish it. That may be good for both parties.

My husband wanted to discover more about sex from the woman’s perspective and he read “Don’t hold my head down” I think it’s called. He told me a few days ago I should read it. I have it at home so I’ll get round to it eventually. He thought it was really good so that might be ok for them to read, although I don’t know how graphic it is. But I guess if they’re going to have sex, that doesn’t matter too much.

OMGYes website is amazing. You pay a one-off fee for lifetime access. Loads of videos of real women talking about sexuality and also masturbating. There are even interactive vulvas to teach you techniques!

Also Beducated

Hi op

I thought there would have been a lot more interest in your post. You sound like a lovely mum. My own mum and dad were fantastic but I was woefully let down in terms of sex education which set me on a journey that influenced my whole life.

Have you yourself read any good material? I would suggest you read all of what maybe recommended here put it through your own filter and then go on a journey with your daughter and she can then take him with her. If he were to be smart enough to educate himself at this early stage he could be in for an interesting journey.I would go easy on him as many more mature men have poor ideas of what women actually require.

My first go to would be Emily Nagoski Come as you are and all of her podcasts.
She also is on the principals of pleasure on net flix.

Mind the gap by Karen Gurney may also be good I like it as it has a distinctly British feel.

OMG yes as recommended is a one off payment for each section. There are 3x sections I’ve watched them all you could watch first and then gift to your daughter and she could share with her partner. I wish I’d would have had access to it as a 17 year old.

Don’t hold my head down by Lucy-Anne Holmes’s is a Brill read of sexual discovery and finding the sex you want. Again I’d pre read it to see if it fits for you.

The vulva gallery on instagram is a good one for men and women to view the range of vulvas out there if you have only seen your own or a mainstream porn curated view.

You may not like porn but there is a high chance 17 year old lads do. Bellesa have female pleasure driven porn owned and directed by women. Don’t know how you give your daughters boyfriend porn recommendations without crossing boundaries so I’ll leave that to you.lol! Maybe worth a look to reassure you that its not all grim. ( There is also make love not porn although that is very real and not as polished as Bellesa)

That’s my initial stab hopefully there will be more input as I would be interested in any further recommendations. It is a topic close to my heart. I have too primary boys so I most definitely want to have them better informed than I was. I think that teaching boys (and men) that shared pleasure is so much more satisfying is the answer to counter act what we/they see in the media.

Hi OP,

This is a slightly left-field suggestion, but recently I realised that my introduction to sex as a teenage girl was very much shaped by fantasy novels written by women authors (I’m now 31). If your daughter is a reader this may be worth looking into - recent titles that I would have enjoyed as a 17y/o include Fourth Wing by Rebecca Yarros, and the Throne of Glass series by Sarah J Maas. These sit in Young Adult/New Adult genre. As a younger teen I read Tamora Pierce’s Tortall series, also Young Adult. All include sex scenes/discussion that establish sex as something that’s about consent and romance and pleasure, and the first two have various descriptions of sexual acts (PIV penetration, oral, hands, touching etc). Even as an adult I find them very empowering to read. SJMs other series are perhaps a bit too explicit for a 17 y/o but if her boyfriend is watching porn they’re no worse than that (there’s horror in some corners of the internet that SJM and RY may be read by teens but as a former teenage girl(!) I think they’d have been v educational!)

Have a look yourself and good luck!