Help me get more comfortable (and better!) at sex

[BobVanceVanceRefridgeration]

Hi all

First time braving it on this topic but I'd really like to make some changes and looking for advice. Despite my username, I'm a woman in my early 40s (It's a reference to the office US!)

Myself and DH have been together 16 years and 2 toddlers. Relationship is generally good. He pulls his weight and we both still find each other attractive. Sex once a week but if I'm honest I don't look forward to it.

I have suffered from dryness since having kids and have oestrogen cream but terrible at remembering to use it! I've always needed quite a bit of lube even before kids and dry up very quickly

We've fallen into a boring pattern of planned sex, good foreplay but pretty much missionary. I'm overweight and as beautiful as my DH tells me I am, I just don't feel it. Hate hearing my tummy slapping on him and have never quite got the momentum of being on top! My DH also holds off orgasming so penetration often gets to the point of being painful at which point we stop. (But if I mention that he needs to 'hurry up' then it gets in his head and we end up stopping anyway!)

I do make the effort with lingerie etc but honestly this is mostly to cover up more than anything.

I would love to both feel more comfortable, spice things up a bit and look forward to it. I do orgasm during sex but not as deeply as I do on my own (with toys)

Wise ones, please give me advice. He asks me what I want all the time and is very generous - to be honest it's a mixture of not knowing and being too embarrassed to say!

I don’t know why men think they have to hold off to the point where it gets boring/uncomfortable. He needs to stop that.

Also, I know you feel embarrassed, but once you start talking about what you want that embarrassment will lift. Trust me; I’ve been there. You might find it revitalises your sex life. We’ve been together 18 years and have only really just started talking about what we want and it’s really made things better. Gone from no sex for six months to 4 times this week.

Thanks both, I do really appreciate your replies.

@highlysexed I think I need to get more comfortable with sex in the bedroom before venturing outdoors 😊. We're both happy to do oral but it doesn't do much for me (in spite of his enthusiasm) so it's more for him than me. But he does spend a lot of time with kisses, caressing and is good with his hands!

@DixonD I know you're right but I just can't get over the fear that I'm going to sound stupid. I hear myself say things and just think I sound moronic. He asks me how things feel and I'm literally monosyllabic!

I can really resonate with this except we don't do it at all!

Tell him you love it when he comes, that it’s your favourite part of sex, especially if he tells you he’s going to / moans. That should gee him up. If not, ask him to ‘come for you’ when you’ve started to have enough.

doggy is my favourite for good sex if you’re not comfortable on top.

agree outdoor sex is a bit more fun, if there’s any kind of private area even in your garden. Maybe have a fire one evening and when it gets dark, give him oral and go from there?

I felt just like that. I ended up being so frustrated it just all came out one day. After that it was easy. I’d love to send him sexy text messages but I’m not brave enough to do that yet. He never replies to normal messages so I’d hate for something like that to be ignored 😂. So I do get it. I realise it’s easier said than done. I bet he would love it though and he obviously wants to know if he’s asking.

I frequently recommend following Hello Jenny Keane on Instagram, as she is so knowledgeable but also good at covering issues like this.
She has some pre recorded online workshops that get amazing reviews. Women on top might be good for you!

https://oh-moment.com/en-gb/pages/workshops

Some women attend alone and others watch with their partners & Jenny teaches you about positions, body confidence & techniques. Give it a go & see if it helps.

Try 'spoons' position, lie on your side with him entering you from behind. Pull your knees up to help him. He can reach over and caress you anywhere you like to be touched, It is easy to guide his hand. You control how deep he goes, he wont know.

Have you tried taking a couples sex quiz together? It might break the ice a bit, make it easier to start talking about it and exploring things.
Do you find it a turn on if he playfully overpowers you? "Playfighting" can be a spontaneous way of initiating or just testing the water to see if you're both feeling it or not.

Have you tried using toys with him, give him the toy and direct him? If his anything like me that will be a huge turn on