How to improve sex drive.

[Anonymous2224]

I’ve been with my husband for 10 years, two young children and absolutely no sex drive. My husband is amazing, literally amazing, couldn’t fault him for anything, hands on father, does his fair share of household tasks etc etc and we have a great relationship genuinely love each other and truly are each others best friends. I couldn’t imagine my life without him. We have sex about once a week he never makes me feel like I need to do it and I pretty much put up an act that I want to do it (because I want to want to do it if that makes sense) but truthfully, I don’t. I’ve never discussed my lack of sex drive with him because I’ve just had the mentality of fake it until you make it but it isn’t working. He’s not a selfish lover and when we’re actually doing the deed I do end up enjoying it but when it’s over I think good, that’s that done for a week.

i think back to before we had children and would have sex 3 times a day and couldn’t keep our hands off each other and I want that passion back but at the same time this feels like a “me” problem, our relationship is fine, we’re affectionate, always kissing and cuddling. Has anyone resurrected a dying sex drive.

Peri menopause maybe?

Yeah was going to suggest peri too. My GP put me on some gel and my sex drive is coming back.

yes - when the kids got older. The youngest was about 8 or 9 when I discovered my sex drive again. I think younger than that and they take up so much of your mental and physical energy. Now I can’t wait for date night to get them out the house so we can be as loud as we like and shag wherever we like.

Thanks for the replies, I don’t think it’s perimenopause, I’m only 34! It could be just to do with having young kids, they’re 3 and 1 so still very dependent and I still co sleep with the baby, but tbh my husband is very hands on and when we’re both home it is 50/50 in everything childcare/ cooking/household stuff so I don’t think it’s that I’m particularly exhausted. I just don’t feel like I “need” sex anymore although I want to feel like that again!

As pp have said, also

*hormonal changes can start early for some women in their 30s. Maybe look up perimenopause symptoms & see if any others are occurring for you. Testosterone (obtained usually on a private prescription) is sometimes helpful in perimenopause.

*Check you are not taking any medications that affect your libido (hormonal contraceptives & anti depressants).

*Look up the Sex Doctor - Dr Karen Gurney, on Instagram or her website. She has written 2 books that might be relevant to you & she talks about sexual currency & desire. She explains how it is for women & men. She's also done 2 popular podcast episodes with Steph from the "Don't Buy Her Flowers" podcast. They may resonate with you & explain/help how you feel. Lots of women had a light bulb moment after listening.

*Look up Hello Jenny Keane on Instagram. She has some prerecorded workshops to purchase that lots of people feel are helpful.

Good luck, I hope you find some things that work for you.

I would be very curious to hear suggestions for solutions to the peri menopause issue too.

My wife of 10 years has cited perimenopause as one of the reasons for her lack of sex drive even though she started claiming that in her late 30s which seems a bit young.

I respect that’s a valid reason. My issue os that she won’t make any effort to do anything about it because she claims nothing can be done to help a peri menopausal woman who has lost sex drive. I just don’t believe that.

She refuses to talk to her doctor about it. She refuses to take blood test for her hormones to confirm if she actually is peri and find her hormone levels. My sister suggested to her using estrogen patches cause they worked for her, but my wife refuses to even look into using them.

She just says that how it is and nothing can be done about it to help, that sounds like BS. It feels like she is using peri as a doctors note to give her an excuse to get out of having sex with her husband rather than as an issue she is just as frustrated about as me and wants to overcome just as much as me.

You can’t tell me peri menopause is a death sentence and no woman over 45 likes having sex anymore and there is just nothing modern medicine can do to help at all. I’m having trouble believing that.

So has anybody else out there tried anything that has worked that maybe we could look into if she is willing someday.

@Acesup6995 If your wife thinks she's perimenopausal she should talk to her GP about HRT anyway. Not to improve her sex drive necessarily but to lower her risk of osteoporosis, vascular dementia and cardiac conditions.

@Anonymous2224 How's your confidence and "self love"? I think most women only feel turned on if they feel good about themselves, if they feel desirable and attractive.

It's hard when you are exhausted from young kids and a busy life but do you take time out for yourself, whether that's going for a run or having a soak in the tub? Getting back in touch with your body and how it feels to be touched, even if that is doing it yourself.

The Ferly app is a good tool for guided masturbation. That might help you kick start your desire.

I just had to stop and say once a week isn’t too bad going with a 1 and a 3 year old imo. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself. It’s not a sexless marriage and it sounds like you’re giving what you can right now. Mine increased when mine got a little older and all in school (and me in work too).

@Acesup6995 47 here and no sign of going off sex. The complication is with any hormonal transition is we are not all the same.

Whether there's a physical/hormonal reason or not, psychology always plays a part. Having sex once a week when you don't want it will build up a negative association with it.
It's not a "you" problem, you're in this together. We've been through this in the past, it took a long time to get through it but sex is so much better now than it was before (and it was good before).
He needs to figure out new ways to excite you, not just physically but mentally. I know it sounds like effort but it can be fun to experiment with new things and gauge what you like. If he can make every sexual experience into something you want to do again, you'll break the cycle of not wanting it.
You can also help to inspire yourself by reading erotic literature, watching erotic movies and just generally surrounding yourself with sex positive people. If you hear about something that you like the idea of, suggest trying it. If you can find some kinks you both enjoy, you'll look forward to experimenting with it more each time.