Husband thinking of leaving - is he being unreasonable?

[NickiNackyDo]

Dear All,

I'm a regular watcher of this board but and infrequent poster. I need to hear some success stories to manage mismatched sex drives in a long-term relationship.

For context, we have been married for 13 years and have 2 children aged 6 and 9. He works full time and I work a very busy part time. He plays a big part with the kids, does every bed time, half of school drop offs. I still do most of the house jobs and planning for the kids as seems common in marriage!

He has spoken to me upset today as he is getting to the end of his tether with the lack of sex. We probably have some form of sexual contact every 6 weeks to 3 months. In honesty, I'm just not that bothered about sex. I'm busy all the time and would rather sleep. I'm much more in the mood on the 1-2 nights a year we get away from the kids but these obviously can't happen weekly.

My husband spoke to me last weekend saying he is going crazy. Whilst he still gives lots of affection outside of sex, he "feels like he can't be himself," as every time he is horny, he has to "hold it in" because he knows he will be rejected. He said he could cope and understand when the kids were younger, but it's been slowly destroying him for years now. A flare point was he found out I'd used my vibrator (which I hardly ever do) when he was out. Given he hadn't had sex for months he was pretty upset I still went to sort myself out.

He hasn't felt he could bring it up as he felt he would be pressuring me for sex. He kept saying "I don't just want you to have sex with me - it would be nice for you to want to have sex" with me. It wasn't the fact that I'd used the vibrator that upset him - more the fact I had the urge to when I'd not wanted sex for weeks/months.

He doesn't want an affair or an open marriage as he says he loves me and our family. He just wants to have more sex. However, the lack of sex is getting him so down that he is considering throwing in the towel and leaving.

Despite the treat of divorce, I still don't really have that much interest in sex. Has anyone else managed to overcome this? I hear all the bad stories but there must be some good.

Is he being reasonable to expect sex more than he is getting? Was he unreasonable to bring it up as he did?

He is a good earner, fantastic with our kids so overall a great family man. It feels weird I'm so unbothered by something that is actually causing him lots of distress

Any help would be greatly appreciated.

He is definitely right. I was in a similar position not that long ago with my husband. We were on average twice a month.

since he said how he felt I have stepped up. We are now on average 5x a week. I enjoy every session and feel like I’ve been missing out for years.

you either love and fancy your husband or you don’t.

I read something that said too many people wait to be aroused to have sex whereas we should consider starting sex as a way to become aroused.

start by not rejecting him every time he asks. Always say yes, and see how you feel. You may find as you begin enjoying it more you’ll want to initiate too.

ultimately I view it as I get a part of him body else does, and I enjoy that part of him very much. So why not enjoy it more often?!

If you don’t want to have sex, then don’t have sex - you shouldn’t be pressured into having sex ,
bur saying that, you husband can divorce you for any reason wants

but saying that, men get slated on this site for not wanting sex, but then having a wank.

overall I would say he is probably not being unreasonable to leave you tbh

Obviously if you really don't then don't but often in these cases it's getting out of the habit. Use it or loose it so to speak. The vibrator was actually a good shout. The more you do that the more likely you are to be in the mood. Can you talk to him and come up with a no pressurised plan where you put time aside every day to learn to love yourself a bit more and agree to try ( with the option to say no) scheduled sex once a week/ every other week to start with? You may find you can flip the switch back on. If not then that's also valid ( but so is his option to opt out of a sexless life).

Same as me OP except we have sex at least once a week. He always wants more

@NickiNackyDo Well done on acknowledging it. Of course, we cannot know, but you seem to have laid everything out openly.
It is not rare at all. Most in these situation lie to themselves about the frequency so their partner seems unreasonable. You can also understand that something can really matter to him that does not bother you, but you are involved in.
Sorry, just waffle, but I am impressed by you and your openness. I wish you well.

Is difficult when everything else is good (is it?)

It could be worth seeing a doctor as low testosterone can be a reason ...yes women do need it as well.

It sounds worth trying to sort it out. I do know someone who was in a very similar predicament to you, but her husband basically just decided he had enough. She knew he was fed up but didn't engage in discussion of any depth and next thing she knew he wanted to split and refused to consider counselling.

Wasn't anyone else. He stayed single a while and then met his now wife. My friend, his ex is very regretful she didn't try harder before it was too late.

That's how I met my now DP - he divorced his wife because lack of sex was killing him, his self-esteem was floor bottom and he was getting depressed.
She wasn't bothered, didn't like sex and basically told him to fuck off. And when he did the great drama ensured because it was "all about his dick". But for some people it is not, sex is much more than just letting the steam off etc.
You are not unreasonable not to want or like or have sex - not everybody does. It would be unfair for him to pressure you into sex, it would be unfair of you to keep him in a sex less relationship forever against his will.
He can divorce you for any reason (same goes for you). I don't know what the solution is if you are not bothered about sex and he is.
Best of luck.

😂😂😂 Here we go! @NameChangeNemo

"Reasonably get away with"?

Well, yes? Exactly the same as OP seems to be doing with her husband. It looks to me like she realises that never having sex at all is unrealistic, so agrees to it as infrequently as possible, much to her husband's frustration.

Do you understand consent?

sigh. Yes, thanks. Nobody should have sex unless they want to, obviously. And if OP is doing that, she should stop, because she is giving her husband false hope for what the marriage could be like in future.

Unfortunately however, as OP has noted, unless both parties are on board, never wanting to have sex is problematic in the context of a happy monogamous marriage.

I can guarantee that a man being a miserable, moaning sex pest has never once turned a woman on.

Like, shrug, sorry. It's always so easy to list all the things that don't turn a woman on. As the OP shows though, it's so much harder to put your finger on exactly what does. Gifts, compliments, looking after myself, high income, fair share of chores, being active with the kids, none of those seem to do it. "So leave then!" Oh, so simple to leave nearly two decades of marriage with small children! Easiest thing in the world!

Maybe one day. Until then I guess I'll carry on trying to think of new ways to encourage my wife to take an interest in sex again.

He is a good earner, fantastic with our kids so overall a great family man.

It sounds like this is the root of the problem: you enjoy what he contributes financially and what he does for the family but not once in your OP do you mention being attracted to him, fancying him - even loving him. It sounds more like a comfortable housemate or sibling relationship and honestly, I’d be pretty damn upset if all DH could find good to say about me was liking my money and my domestic role. You need to really evaluate your relationship and why you’re in it: I’m going to bet the lack of interest in sex is a huge symptom of the shift in your relationship. If he’s reached the point where he’s considering divorce then I’d be looking into some form of counselling to work out whether you have a relationship that you want to salvage or are only there because it’s easy.

Goes without saying that no one should have sex they don't want or they feel pressured into it, however it's ok to want to feel more desire or arousal and to want to improve this to preserve your relationship, neither of you are in the wrong and it sounds like communication is good so hopefully some compromise can be reached.
Some links, hopefully something resonates with you;

Karen Gurney Anything by Emily Nagoski Ester P

Sorry but I dont think he is being unreasonable at all.

i would not be happy if DH hadnt wanted sex for
months and then used a sex toy as soon as I was out of the house.
you absolutely dont have to have sex you dont want
he absolutely doesnt have to stay in a marriage with very little sex.

have a think about what you really want because when an man finally opens up about issues is the damage is already done and its to late do rectify things.

I had this discussion with my ex wife quite a few times.

For a long time when I instigated anything physical it would be rejected.

From a guys perspective I’d liken it to getting a hug, if every time you wanted a hug he pushed you away and refused how long would you put up with it for?

So he's waited months for you to be in the mood for sex and then he finds out you'd rather scratch that itch with a vibrator instead? So now he's going to have to wait months for you to be in the mood again. And then you're shocked that he's feeling frustrated by that?

Only other thing I can think is that he's that terrible in bed that you've lost interest in being sexual with him. Did using your vibrator not put you in the mood for sex with your DH later on? For many people, sex and desire are self perpetuating - the more you have, the more you desire it. Have you tried actually having more sex to see if your drive increases?

I guess you could buy him a decent male sex toy, and then you could lay in bed next to each other with your toys buzzing away. You'll never have to touch each others genitals ever again.

Please check with your GP for a testosterone blood test.

good health shops will also have supplements to boost a low libido.

@NickiNackyDo What decided you to ration and control him to this extent?
Why make life harder for the man?