WWYD…..reject back?!

[Shleepymummy]

DH has never had the highest sex drive but I try to keep momentum with our sex life even if just once every 2 weeks or so.
Last night when he got home I suggested we go to bed early once kids were asleep to have ‘alone time’ (he knew exactly what i meant and I said go up early so he can’t use excuse of he’s tired). He out rightly said- ‘’no, I’m not an evening person (for sex) and I want to watch the cricket. Can at the weekend’’.
Talk about rejection when I’m offering it on a plate! Hurt my feelings and also thought well piss off then.
Now, at the weekend during the day time (kids nap time) he will no doubt try and initiate because this is when he does- what do I do? What if I don’t want to do it in the middle of the day/as a quickie? And part of me wants to say no the same way he did to me. But I also don’t wanna then make a longer term problem. So do I reject?!
(p.s we i talked to him about our sex life multiple times, he doesn’t like to talk about it, doesn’t really engage, nothing really changes so having a long chat about it just isn’t guna get me anywhere)

Choosing cricket over sex is unforgivable! Maybe when he tries it on next time you tell him you can't as you urgently need to watch Antiques Roadshow.

Joking aside I'm not sure if rejecting him to make a point is going to lead to outcome you want though he needs to be more flexible on timings. Your kids will get older and won't be having mid afternoon naps forever and he needs to engage with you when you discuss it.

I wonder if he's always had lower sex drive or if this is more recent change.

This sounds like a bit of a power struggle. I understand you wanting to reject back to make a point, but equally this isn't the mature way to handle the situation if you genuinely want to improve your sex life. Relationships are about give and take and in a healthy one, both partners want to put the other first. Giving often creates the environment for the other to give back.

That's not to say I think you should give in and do what he wants. I think you need to have a conversation (at a good time, not when sex is proposed) about how you felt the other night and how both of you need to make an effort to put the other one first sometimes.

If, despite you making your feelings clear and making an effort yourself, he still decides he wants to prioritise the cricket, then you will at least know where you stand.

Probably both of you need to be a bit more flexible regarding timing, however if he has the lower sex drive and you reject- that might be the end of him ever initiating again 🤷🏼‍♂️

I think generally, the idea of an early night for people with a low sex drive just doesn’t really appeal. It’s a hard problem to solve with mismatched sex drives to be honest.

No to for tit and tat rejection, the person with the lower sex drive needs to be helped to gain confidence, a rejection is just going to set them back.

Id be devastated at that rejection, I'm not going to lie! A simple "not in the mood" would've been much kinder than openly telling you he'd rather watch cricket! I'm not one for petty tit for tat, but he wouldn't be getting any at the weekend on his terms that's for sure. It's not fair that he gets to make all the decisions on when sex is allowed to be, yes you both have to be up for it so you can't force him to engage if he doesn't want to, but you're in a relationship so unfortunately it's a joint sex life. Until you can both talk like adults (cough - him) and come up with a way to make sex work for you both, why not take it off the cards so that you're not rejecting him when he initiates. Maybe tell him that you're not happy with it always being on his terms, and that you have needs too and things need to change to ensure both your needs are being met. In that moment, he knew you were up for it and obviously horny - why couldn't he have said he wasn't in the mood for sex, but offered to get you there in other ways?

In a egalitarian relationship nobody is owed consent, though.

I wouldn’t reject him back as I think you will become even more sexually frustrated. The problem is he asked to reschedule the sex but the way he did it was horrible putting cricket and sleep first.
I could imagine you wanted to do in the evening not only because you were in the mood, but with kids in bed you could shower and put something sexy on. Maybe once kids are napping you could put yourself in this headspace again.
Biggest issue is that he wants everything on his terms. Is he also selfish like this I’m bed? You say you don’t want a quickie so I’m assuming a day time session is not satisfying for you because of this.
The only positive is that he does initiate so he does want sex with you but I don’t feel that’s enough for you and rightly so.

Thanks for all the advice. I decide not to reject if he initiated over the weekend (which he did). Once we get some suitable quiet time I will bring up the fact that I would like to try it of an evening and see if a healthy discussion about it can be had. If he mentions cricket/sport again though- I will kick off!

Good you sorted it. It doesn't normally take that much to get a bloke going...
I guess it was an important match though. I don't think I've ever planned sex and I certainly don't think she ever said let's go and do it, just seems an impulse reaction, I guess I'm doing something wrong.

Countering rejection with rejection is a fast way to destroy a relationship. Explain that you're hurt by all means, but he may just accept your rejection cheerfully and never seek to suggest the afternoon quickie.
Some games have winners and losers, others just have losers.