Anyone in a D/s or Power Exchange dynamic?

[BellaDelBosco]

I am and I've never been happier!

We used to practice D/s light, and just generally being kinky, since we first met and things have gone up and down during the early childrearing years. However, as kids now are late teens and both at University we have rediscovered that side of our relationship - things are really great. we are now thinking about dipping out toes in the community and making friends in real life with people who have chosen to live like this, although we are fully monogamous and - emphatically - not looking for play partners.

We also paired it with kink-aware couple therapy and honestly it has been transformative. I am in my late 40s and my partner mid 50s.

We have been married for over 20 years.

edited: typo

Oook I guess not!

Maybe this way of living/relating is more niche than we thought.

We have discovered that there are several munches in the city where we live and we are going to go to one next week. I will keep you posted.

Maybe this question should go in relationships?

I think attending a munch and from there, exploring other events is going to be more fruitful if you’re looking for people to talk with. Many posters are wary of sharing potential wank fodder with strangers online.

Go into it with a sense of humour, a few pinches of salt to take, and open eyes, would be my advice. There are some great people on the kink scene; there are also a fair number of people on the kink scene who are insufferably boring and just looking for other people to talk at about their sex lives, and others who are downright predatory and will spy new meat like you and gravitate towards you.

This is an area that interests me greatly and I have done a great deal of reading about it. I would love to be the sub, however it won't be happening in my current relationship. It would be something I would seek out if I found myself single.

Good luck with the munches.

Thank you for responding!

I posted this question in the 'sex' topic but maybe it should be in 'relationships' as I think I'm only very tangentially interested in talking about sex, I have plenty of outlets for that - I am even part of an online D/s book club and we discuss eroticism/sexuality there - On this platform I was more interested to know if there were any 'ordinary' people who live like us and what are their protocols, etc. I don't know, maybe in the end this isn't the place at all for it. I find it hard to find places where i can be my whole self, it always feels fragmented. But, again, probably it's my own limitation.

As an aside, and I do not want to sound faux naive because there is a really broad spectrum of humanity out there, but with the many possibilities that there are online, why would one want to use Mumsnet for wank fodder of all places?

Again, thank you for responding and your kind words.

Edit: used 'wank fodder' as the original because my 'prurient content' made me sound like I live in Downton Abbey XD

I do not want to overstep but are you totally sure this cannot happen in your current relationship? Would your partner not even considered 'service topping'?

Also have you given a deep look into your current relationship to see if you haven't got elements of D/s in place already there?

Often when people have a D/s outlook sexually, or a desire for it, there are broader indications that this is their identity and the way they think/relate.

I'm not saying something simplistic such as the myth of the 'natural sub' (meh) but you may have structured your relationship in certain ways already.

It is an interesting thought and there are definitely certain aspects of our life that I tend to just "allow" for want of a better phrase, but this is more likely as I am generally conflict avoidant.

Currently a D/S dynamic "proper" would not work for various reasons, but if ever I would find myself single, then it would definitely be something I would be looking for going forwards.

Its a very interesting topic and I find myself looking at D/S and Femdom articles, books etc. It isn't just a sexual thing for me, but I wouldn't want to go as extreme as some I have seen online.

Absolutely agree it's not a sexual thing at all, was unsure if such a discussion was welcomed in the'relationships' topic though.

I am also surprised on how little work on the relationship people who are in 'ordinary' relationships do compared to us who are into power exchange.

The first time I read about D/s being a broader relationship mindset was in an answer on a column by sex therapist Pamela Stephenson Connolly - it was really transformational and it made me realise that much conflict/incomprehension with my partner stemmed from the fact we weren't structuring our relationship more tightly.

So we went to our first munch... and it was a disaster!

I felt really uncomfortable, I do not know how to describe it without sounding and exclusionary asshole - which i am not - but let's say my partner and I were the only two conventionally dressed persons, I felt all eyes on my eternity collar (which in real life settings goes totally ignored as it just looks like a chunky necklace), there was an event and everyone was grouped in tables together already when we arrived, I never felt more out of place and conspicuous.

We did not stay long and I do not know if I want to try again: most people there seemed to be poly/looking for play partners, we are neither, we just want to make friends whom with not having to hide the nature of our relationship, it's isolating suppressing our identity.

There is an 'alternative' munch somewhere else on June 22, and yet another one with a different crowd next month, maybe we'll persevere and meet our people at some point.

I'm sorry it didn't work out. I think it's worth persevering with the next couple and see how they go. Silly question probably, but have you spoken to or emailed the organiser to see what kind of crowd it is?

I exchanged 3/4 messages with the organiser and they did not let me know about the dissonance with the majority (they knew we were coming there as a monogamous cishet couple) and also did not offer to meet us beforehand to break the ice - I will communicate more clearly with the organisers of the next ones. Probably my fault for not being clearer. I get really anxious in social kink settings.

That sounds very off! Hopefully the next one goes better for you!

thank you - I will report back 😀